


Coming to Terms

by BP_Basic



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirk Strider is a good guy, Dirk loves the consorts, Fuck the epilogues, Gender Confusion, Jake is a supportive friend, John Egbert's bad coping mechanisms, John is depressed but learns how to live, M/M, Multi, Not Beta Read, Piercings, Sexuality Confusion, Tattoos, also aromantic jake, headcanons galor, john centric, may up the rating to explicit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-02-04 14:32:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 58,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18606457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BP_Basic/pseuds/BP_Basic
Summary: Two depressed boys. Also known as “How John Egbert got his groove back”





	1. Something Old, Something New

**Author's Note:**

> I Have had this story in my heart for like seventeen years and I just need to write it and in wake of the bullshitty epilogues i've written this shit out of spite.

In the beginning it had been fine. There was things to do, to prepare to make their new world perfect for its future inhabitants. Once the stage was set, Dave teleported everyone to the future, where they were welcomed and worshiped. The human kingdom belonged to John, Jane, Jane’s father and the Nannasprites. Rose and Kanaya got married. John had his 18th birthday bash. There was never a dull moment, surrounded by his friends and his family.

No.

Jane’s family.

If John closed his eyes he could pretend that Jane’s father was his. They looked the same, spoke the same, baked the same, they even pranked the same way. But Jane’s father didn’t remember the time John scraped his knee playing on the pogo ride when he was a toddler. He didn’t remember the time he went to John’s first choir recital. He didn’t remember teaching John how to play the piano. He didn’t remember because it didn’t happen. John wasn’t his child. Jane was. And that fact became more and more apparent the more John spent with the family, so he stopped.

John turned to his friends next. First Dave and Karkat. Getting along with them wasn’t so hard. It was interesting how close they had become over the years. How soft Dave smiled at Karkat and vice versa. John was pretty sure they were at least some kind of thing, even if Dave didn’t say it. Though talking to them didn’t last long, since Terezi seemed to be going through something. A lot of their meet ups ended up with John awkwardly hovering as the spoke to Terezi in hushed tones. So, John stopped seeing them either.

He turned to Jade next. Seeing his sister again was wonderful. Sometimes John would stroke her behind her ear and play with her the way she liked. The way _his_ Jade had liked anyway. But that became taxing as well. All the memories he had of _his_ Jade, this Jade never experienced them. She never witnessed John’s epic monopoly meltdown. She never dated Davesprite. She didn’t know any of the secrets John had told the other Jade on the golden ship. So, John stopped seeing her too.

Sometimes, John would go to the brooding caverns with Rose and Kanaya and look at the little baby trolls. He’d even hang out with Roxy and Calliope, both of whom were lovely company. Roxy especially. She had come with John from the doomed timeline. Her friends weren’t the same as the one’s that had died before. Surely, she too was also experiencing some kind of disconnect to everyone. At least, that’s what John had hoped.

John, Roxy and Calliope were sat in a meadow. Calliope was weaving flowers into a crown rather poorly as John and Roxy watched her, amused.

“How are you adjusting to stuff here on Earth C?” He asked coolly. Roxy turned her head to face him and shrugged, a smile made its way onto her face.

“I fuckin’ love it here man!” She plucked a handful of grass from under her and tossed it up over their heads. “Everything is so beautiful and full of life. I much prefer this to sea Hitler’s water world.” John looked at the scene before them. Earth C was nice, but it still didn’t feel like home yet.

“What about your friends?” John said, changing the subject.

“What about ‘em?”

“I mean they all died in the doomed timeline, right? Are the one’s in this timeline the same?” Roxy made a face.

“Uh, yeah. Still the same fucked up band of nerds they’ve always been. Why? Is your squad different?” John paused a moment.

“No. Not really, they’re the same.” He said with a tight smile. They were the same. It was John who had changed. It was John who didn’t belong.

He stopped hanging out with Roxy soon after.

...

John took a break away from everyone and started spending time on his own. It wasn’t too bad at first, sometimes his Nannas would come over and cook him up some grub. They would scold him for not doing his dishes, and not cleaning up after himself - though they’d still clean up his messes for him. After some time even the combined presence of both Nannas was starting to grate on John’s nerves. He had told them in the nicest possible way he could that he needed some space, and to John’s surprise, they gave it to him, leaving a nice cook book and kisses as they left.

So now he was alone.

John utilised the first few weeks alone and spent his time learning to cook some of the foods in the cook book his Nannas had given him. Then he spent time watching movies from his old house. Sometimes he’d get snaps or messages on pesterchum to hang out, but he’d politely decline. He didn’t have any energy to hang out with anyone anymore. Even answering messages took a different kind of energy John was running low on.

John had exhausted his movie selection and had started rummaging through his house for more DVD’s from _his_ Earth. He entered the spare room he used for storage, and riffled through the boxes of unpacked shit he had been meaning to find a place for. John felt a wave of nostalgia as he saw one of his old choir robes. A sad smile made its way on his face as he remembered his first recital. He had been so nervous, to sing in front of all those people, but his dad was there to calm his nerves. John moved some other things out of the way in the box and stumbled upon a photo album.

At first he was apprehensive to flip through it, but eventually he gave in. The first picture was of his father holding a young John, who was wearing little footie pyjamas. The next was of John – age seven – with a big smile on his face. Both his two front teeth were missing. He had lost them from falling off the tire swing in his front yard.

He flicked through more of the pictures. There were class photos from all his grades, - God, he had forgotten about some of his classmates – there were some photos of the neighbourhood barbecue that would happen on occasion on their cul-de-sac. And lastly there was a picture of both John and his father on his twelfth birthday. They had gone to Adventure Land together. It was the best birthday John ever had.

John blinked. When did his eyes get foggy? When did he start crying?

John sniffled, wiping his eyes roughly. He hugged the album to his chest and left the spare room. John made his way to his room, the notification light on his phone was blinking.

Jane posted something on Instagram.

He unlocked his phone and clicked at the notification after a long moment. His stomach dropped at the photo.

It was Jane and her father at some kind of event. He didn’t even know there was an event going on today. Jane looked so happy, hugging her father as though she didn’t have a care in the world. John’s lips curled, and without a second thought, he threw his phone at the wall. It cracked unceremoniously.

What was so special about Jane? Why did Jane get to live happily with her dad and John didn’t? Why did Jane get a happy ending while John felt like this? Why did his dad have to die? Why couldn’t have been her’s instead?!

John gasped, mortified. How could he think that? Jane didn’t deserve to feel that way, no matter how bad John was feeling.

Out of all of the Johns in paradox space… Why did he have to be the one that survived? John shrunk into himself, sobbing harder than he had in a long time.

…

John had kept to himself a lot since his epic break down. He had deleted all social media apps from his phone except pesterchum. His friends were off doing their own things, John was actually rather shocked to see Jake on the television. His friend’s birthdays came around the bend, and John didn’t have it in him to come. The thought of seeing them made John feel sick to his stomach, so mailed them their gifts and called it a day. Jane and her father invited John for Christmas and John declined claiming he had a cold. He watched the New Year’s fireworks display from his terrace, and he was filled with nothing be a shallowness. He saw the notifications on his pesterchum, but he didn’t bother looking at them. He didn’t want to.

The new year felt like a blink of the eye. It seemed like his birthday came out of nowhere. Jade had bombarded him with messages asking if he wanted to do anything, for his nineteenth, but he declined. The number 413 had been tainted thanks to that fucking game. What was there to even celebrate anymore besides the anniversary of the death of his home.

…

John had taken to smoking. His father never smoked around John, but sometimes he would come home smelling like smoke. John used to hate the smell of cigarette smoke, but now it smelt like an old friend. John placed the lit cigarette between his lips and breathed in with practiced ease. He exhaled slowly, relaxing to the music playing quietly from his computer. His phone blinked. Someone was messaging him, as usual. He was just about to dismiss the notification until he saw it was from Jake.

John couldn’t even remember when last he spoke to Jake one to one. John balanced the cigarette between his lips before pulling open the chat log.

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --  
**

**GT** : Howdy compadre! I know it’s been a tick since we last conversed and its come to my attention that there is still a bone to be picked between the two of us. Some unfinished business if you will!  


**EB** : lol.  
**EB** : hey, jake. what is this unfinished business do you speak of?

**GT** : I’m glad you asked my brother in arms!   
**GT** : We never watched Weekend at Burnies!!!!  
**GT** : I said I was going to show it to you and shucks if I’m not a man of my word!

John blew out a puff of smoke. Jake… Jake wasn’t like anyone else. His presence never made John feel like he didn’t belong. Jake was someone new, like Roxy. A blank slate. Maybe John needed that.

**EB** : sure! that sounds cool, i still have yet to see that movie.

**GT** : HUZZAH! If you’re free tonight, i’d be happy to host you. Taverino and i have stocked our shelves with ambrosia of the gods  


**EB** : what?

**GT** : We got done some grocery shopping.  
**GT** : Feel free to shimmy your way down to the consort kingdom. Any time after 7 shall be sufficient enough time to get the cinema room nice and tidy!

John didn’t really feel like going today. But Jake seemed so enthusiastic. John looked at the time on his phone, it was already six thirty. He’d have to shower off the smell of smoke and put on clothes that weren’t three days old. Fuck, when was the last time he brushed his teeth?

‘Fuck it.’ John thought to himself.

**EB** : Ok. i’ll be there soon.

John groaned. Why did he agree? He put his cigarette out on the ash tray beside his bed, before hauling himself up. He headed to the bathroom, he squinted as he flicked on the lights. They were so damn bright. Man, he had to squint a little to see himself properly. He needed a new prescription to his glasses.

What he did see though, looked grimy. He flashes his teeth, which had gone discoloured from a lack of care. His face was covered in dark stubbly hair. He had gained weight from sitting around doing nothing all day for the past year and a half.

John grabbed his toothbrush and started brushing his teeth. The minty toothpaste washed away the taste of smoke out his mouth. John had almost forgotten what clean teeth felt like. John went to the shower switching on the water after tending to his teeth. They spray felt good on his oily skin. John took his time bathing, it had been a while and who knows when he was going to feel in the mood to do this again after tonight. He took his wash cloth and lathered it in soap before cleaning himself.

By the time John had finished, it was well past seven, but John didn’t care in the slightest. He felt good. A part of him wanted to crawl back into bed, but he already agreed, so he lugged himself out of the bathroom. Finding a clean outfit was a-whole-nother story. It took him an extra fifteen minutes before he decided he looked fit enough to be seen. John gave himself the once over in his mirror. John brought a hand to the stubble boarding his face, half of him wanted to shave it off, but he had kept Jake waiting long enough. He’d do it another day.

John zapped himself in front of Jake’s house. He rang the doorbell, which sung a twinkly version of the Jurassic Park theme song. It seemed appropriate. It wasn’t long before the door swung open revealing a smiling Jake.

“Johnny boy! For a moment I thought you lost your way for a spell there.” Jake had barely changed from the last time John had seen him. John was taller than Jake and had a bulkier build in comparison. Jake had a boyish look to him, something like a teenage heart throb.

“Yeah… I lost track of time in the shower.” John said lamely. Jake laughed as though John had told a joke.

“Taking a page out of Mr. Strider’s book I see!” John didn’t bother asking him to elaborate. Jake moved out of John’s way letting him into his house. The first thing John noticed was that there were consorts scattered around in the house. Doing what? John hadn’t a clue.

“This way to the theatre room, old sport! I already have the snacks and such prepared. Tis quite the banquet of confectionery if I do say so myself!” Jake said proudly.

“Thanks for inviting me.” One of the consorts waddled over to John with a bottle of juice, they pulled at John’s pant leg and raised the bottle to him. Without thinking, John took the bottle and opened it for the little consort and handed it back. The creature croaked happily before waddling away drinking their juice. “Uh… No offense or anything but, what the hell is up with all these consorts?”

Jake turned to look at John and shrugged before signalling John to follow him.

“Dirk adores the little guys. He’s pretty much opened out home to the whole Consort Kingdom, so they come and go as they please.” Jake floated over a large baby gate as he went on. “They’re only allowed in certain areas of the house though. All except Nacklemore.” Jake let out a laugh, looking over his shoulder to John. “Nacklemore is pretty much Dirk’s son. Dirk even bequeathed a tiny pair of shades to him.” John smiles. His mind drifted to his daughter Casey. John hasn’t seen Casey in so long, was she even alive anymore? His smile withered.

“Here we are!” Jake smiled gesturing to a large room. There were couches lined along the back wall that looked a lot like the kind they have in fancy cinemas. The TV screen covered the entire wall opposite the couches. The lights were dimmed, and John could see that Gcatavrosprite was already seated eating some popcorn. Tavros regarded John with a wave, who returned the gesture.

“Cop a squat Johnno! Lets get this ball rolling!” John sat down, leaving a space between himself and Tavros for Jake. Jake offered him some popcorn and a drink from the mini fridge, all of which John accepted.

“So… Weekend at Burnies, huh.” John started lamely. God, his social skills had gone to hell in his solitude. Luckily Jake made up for it with his own.

“Yepperoni! Actually, I’ve got a few humdingers in the queue afterwards if you're keen.” John thought for a moment.

“Sure, that sounds great.” It really didn’t, but John just couldn’t say no to Jake, who beamed at him. Jake started the movie before slipping into silence.

…

The movie itself had been pretty funny, much to John’s surprise. Sometimes Tavros would make a comment and Jake would whisper-shout his response in what was the most theatrical way possible. John had to cover his mouth to stop himself from laughing, to no avail. It was the first time in a long time John had laughed along with someone else. He had almost forgotten how nice it was spending time with others.

John watched another movie with the two before his bladder started to cry out.

“What movie do you want watch next? Oh, we should watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies! Have a good ol’ fashioned all nighter! Whatta ya say?”

“I think we should save something like LOTR for another day, but I’m down to watch one more movie. But first, where’s the bathroom? I am actually going to piss myself.” Jake took a moment to swallow the liquorice he had been munching on.

“Out the door, just go straight down the hall and it’ll be the forth door on the left.” He said finally. John muttered a quiet “brb” before leaving. His eyes wandered over the decor. There were various plants and a few framed pictures of Dirk, Jake and Tavros that seemed to be drawn by a child. It was very sweet, John thought to himself. There were others as well. Some featuring other little consorts surrounding Dirk and Jake, but a lot of them were of Dirk and a nakodile wearing an identical pair of shades to him. John let out an “aww.”

He was roused out of his thoughts when he heard a loud “Nak” John whipped his head to the source of the noise. It was Dirk. He was balancing a nakodile on his hip like it was a baby. The nakodile was wearing miniature shades and an orange baby sized t-shirt. ‘That must be Nacklemore.’ He realised.

“Oh.” Dirk started. “Hello, Johnathan. I see you too appreciate the fine arts.” Dirk gestured the framed drawings. “Thinking ‘bout displaying some of these masterpieces in a museum. Gonna remake the Louvre and have this shit immortalised.” He went on. The nakodile on his hip let out a happy nak at the thought.

John looked Dirk up and down. He had more piercings than he did when last John had saw him. Ones on his lips, nose, eyebrow and both ears, John could even make out a tattoo peaking out from under his top. Speaking of, Dirk was dressed in nothing but My Little Pony boxer-briefs, and a sweater that looked a little too big for him which seemed to have a collage of anime girls making a weird face. John was ninety percent sure that was some kind of hentai thing.

“Uh, yeah. I bet it’d be a hit.” John said absentmindedly, not taking his eyes off of Dirk’s sweater. This could not go unmentioned. “No offence or anything, but why the goddamn hell are you wearing pony pants, and a hentai shirt?” The nakodile rested its head against Dirk’s shoulder who mimicked the gesture and swayed slightly.

“Technically its ahegao.” He said simply. “But I suppose that you’re not wrong, it is typically a hentai thing, but the expression has become a staple in fashion and pop culture regardless of its pornographic connotations. I believe it’s big in the BDSM sub-culture as well, however I’d rather not talk about that in front of the little one.” Dirk nodded his head towards Nacklemore who started nibbling on Dirks top.

“Wow, way to not answer anything ever.” Dirk gave John a small shit-eating smile.

“I try.” There was a beat of silence. “Not that I’m not enjoying shooting the breeze with you for a hot minute but, why are you just wandering around my house? I doubt you instant transmissioned here just to peep these sweet artworks. However, if you did I wouldn’t blame you. In fact, I would commend you.”

“NAK, NAK, NAK!”

“As would Nacklemore.” John snorted.

“No, I did not come here for the fine art, though they are very lovely. Jake invited me to watch some movies. Also, ‘instant transmissioned?’ You really are an otaku nerd.” Dirk quirked a brow.

“You diss me and yet understood the reference. Boruto’s dad did not die for this double standard my weeabro.” John tilted his head to the side.

“Boruto’s dad? Who the fuck is Boruto? Are you sure you don’t mean Naruto?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Boruto’s dad.”

“Naruto has a son? NARUTO FUCKS?!” Dirk hid his smile behind Nacklemore’s little head. John could tell Dirk was laughing by the slight bounce in his shoulders. “Whose the mom? Sakura?” John hadn't thought about anime in years, all the memories of him watching anime shows on toonami when he was younger started flooding back to him.

“Spoilers man. That’d be like telling you if Luffy ever makes it to the grand line.”

“Does he?!” Dirk puts a finger to his lips.

“You gotta brush up on your anime yo.” He said simply. “If you want I could lend you some hard drives with some of the good shit on them. All those early 2000s animes. But I do warn you, it’ll take a long ass time to get through Naruto, Naruto Shippuden, then Boruto. And don’t even get me started on One Piece.” John’s lips formed into a wide smile. He remembered loving Naruto when he was younger. ”I can even show you some really good ones from after your time. The anime game got real good after 2012.” John gave it a thought for a moment before nodding slowly.

“Um… Yeah, I think that’d be cool.” Dirk gave John a small smile.

“OK. Cool.” There was an awkward pause before Dirk cleared his throat. “Jake will probably be wondering where you are, so I’ll leave you.” Dirk started to turn to leave but John stopped him.

“Oh wait! Before you go, where is the bathroom?”

“Can’t just instant transmission there golden boy?” John cocked his hip and pushed up his glasses.

“Um, actually, Goku needs an energy source to lock onto before he can instant transmission anywhere.” He scoffed with mock smugness. “You would know that if you were a true otaku. I’m going to have to revoke your anime shades.” Dirk and Nacklemore gasped at the same time.

“Well shit. I’m going to have to renew my weeb card in order to keep my signature look.” Dirk turned to the side and pointed down the hall. “The second to last door on your left is the bathroom.”

“Okay, thanks.” John went to walk passed Dirk.

“Message me before you leave, I’ll lend you some sweet animated masterpieces.”

 “Thanks, I will!” Dirk took the nakodile’s claw and waved it.

“Deuces.” And with that Dirk took off in the opposite direction, Nacklemore cuddling into him. John found himself smiling.

By the time John had finished in the bathroom, he had returned to the cinema room where Jake and Tavros were taking turns throwing popcorn into each other’s mouths.

“Oh! You’re back.” Tavros said before a stray popcorn piece hit him in the eye. Jake gave an apology and patted Tavros on the shoulder.

“Was about to send the search party for you Johnny-boy. You find the lavatory alright?”

“Yeah. Just ran into Dirk, we talked a little bit.” John said rubbing his still damp hands against his jeans. “So, what movie were we watching?” Jake smiles, and dived into an in depth synopsis of the movie he had chosen: Scott Pilgrim VS the World. John couldn’t help but chuckle at Jake’s overzealousness, it was infectious. John found himself happy he had accepted Jake’s invitation more and more.

…

The movie in itself had been fine, but the mere fact that it stared Michael Cera made it a thousand times better. John let out a long yawn, which both Jake and Tavros mimicked involuntarily.

“I think I better start heading home. This was really fun though.” John said finally. Jake rubbed at his eyes and smiled.

“That it was boyo! I really am cut up that we couldn’t get through the LOTR movies, but we would have to block out a whole day for that marathon.” Jake stretched. “Perhaps another time later this week? If you’re free that is.”  John thought about the offer for a moment. He did have a lot of fun tonight, but at the same time, another meet up this week seemed a little too soon.

“Uh… What about Friday?” Friday was four days away, which was long enough for John to recharge. Jake seemed to perk up at the response.

“I’ll mark it on my calendar!” He said with a bounce.

John bid Jake and Tavros fair well before teleporting back to his own room. Unlike Jake’s house, - which was lively with noise either from the TV or from the random consorts – John’s was quiet. Eerily so. John pulled up YouTube on his computer just mute the ringing silence, he didn’t care what video was playing. Anything was better than the quiet.

John pulled a pack of cigarettes from his sylladex. One last smoke before bed wouldn’t hurt too bad. John’s phone vibrated as he put a cigarette between his lips. Dirk was messaging him on pesterchum.

** \-- timeusTestified [TT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- **

**TT** : Yo.  
**TT** : Jake told me you left so I just wanted to let you know you can pick up them hard drives whenever you’re around the CK.

**EB** : ck?

**TT** : Consort Kingdom.

**EB** : oh.  
**EB** : well, i guess i could pop in tomorrow afternoon?

It was just a short visit. John could do it tomorrow.

**TT** : Don’t feel like instant transmissioning now? What’s wrong, out of ki?

John snorted. ‘What a nerd.’ He thought to himself.

**EB** : even super saiyans need to sleep numb nuts.

**TT** : Understandable. I too feel subsequently drained after seeing the bullshit on English’s queue.  
**TT** : Also, Super Saiyan? Dude you’re like Yamcha at least. Maybe Krillin.

**EB** : fuck you!  
**EB** : i’m gonna kamehameha wave your ass tomorrow, naruto boy.

**TT** : Don’t you mean “Wolf Fang Fist”?

**EB** : dirk?

**TT** : Yes?

**EB** : shut up.

**TT** : Okay.

**EB** : i’m going to sleep now dirk.  
**EB** : good night.

**TT** : Why do you split up compound words like that?

**EB** : GOOD NIGHT DIRK.

**TT** : Goodnight.

John let out a laugh shaking his head. The tip of the cigarette in his mouth had gone wet from spit. He took it out and placed it on the nightstand beside his bed John let himself fall back onto his pillow. For the first time in a while he was tired, but not restless. A small smile was left on his lips as he drifted off.


	2. A Very Long Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a very bad start to his day, but it's nothing that a bit of fighting and comfort food cant fix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter that's a little all over the place but hey, I'm writing this for me, if y'all enjoy this thats just a bonus.

John woke up still in the same clothes he fell asleep in yesterday. Though he didn’t feel well rested per se, he felt better than he had on the previous night. He rolled his head causing his neck to let out a satisfying crack. John stretched out before shimmying out of yesterdays clothes, choosing to slip into something that was more comfortable. He pawed at his bedside table managing to swipe his phone and the cigarette he left un-lit last night, taking them both with him as he made his way down to the kitchen in search of something to eat. God, he needed to do some grocery shopping of his own soon. His fridge was beginning to look barren. He made up some eggs and ate them with some toast. John pulled out his phone looking at the time. It was around 10am, much earlier than he was used to getting up at. From the notification on his cracked screen, it looked like Jake had sent him a message last night when he was asleep.

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --**

**GT** : Just letting you know i had a swell time in your company john, and i look forward to hanging out with you again!  
**GT** : Hehe. You’re probably off in dream land right about now, so i’ll let you rest in peace.  
**GT** : Night john!

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --**

John smiled at the message as memories from last night came back to him. Yesterday had been one of the best nights John has had in a while. Jake was a refreshing presence to be around. Even his short encounter with Dirk was a breath of fresh air. There was no history between either of them. No expectations. A clean fucking slate.

Dirk.

John still had to get those hard drives off of him later today. John had to do a lot of things today it seemed.

He had groceries to buy, he needed to wash the dishes piling up in the sink. God, he had so many clothes he needed to wash and hang up, and now he needed to go see Dirk. John slumped in his chair groaning. He polished off his breakfast and lit the cigarette he had been neglecting. That was better. Future John could handle those tasks once present John was finished his smoke.

John deposited the plate in the sink along with all the other dishes. Those weren’t going anyway, so they could wait. He lugged himself over to his couch and flopped down on it unceremoniously. John used his windy powers to float the TV remote his way. He turned on the TV and immediately started playing the DVD that was still in; Mrs Doubtfire. John huffed out a cloud of smoke as he mouthed along to the words like they were lyrics. He had come to know almost all of the movies in his collection scene by scene.  

Once John had his fill of his cigarette, he put out what remained on the coffee table. He could clean the ashes later. He had energy before he sat down, why were his eyes heavy all of a sudden. John debated with himself for a moment before giving in and closing his eyes. Maybe he’ll feel better after a nap, though in his experience, that only made him feel more tired.

…

John woke up in a start. His brow was covered in sweat, his throat felt tight and dry. John looked behind him, partly afraid someone was going to be there, but no one was.

Another nightmare. Those had been a frequent enough occurrence that he was starting to get pissed off at his own psyche. 

John went to get his box of cigarettes from his sylladex but there wasn’t anymore left in the pack. He needed more. That was more than enough incentive for John to get off of his ass and go do some shopping. He didn’t have the energy to walk, so he flew to get his shoes and wallet. He passed a mirror on his way out, God that was some haggard shit staring back at him. John went to his room and grabbed a jacket pulling the hood over his head, he didn’t care that they were almost in the summer months. John shoved his hands into his pockets before teleporting to the town.

John didn’t know what groceries he was missing in his house, so he picked up a basket and grabbed everything that appealed to him. He also bought some ingredients just in case he felt like cooking later. Lasagne sounded really good about now. He went to pay, and the cashier looked him up and down as though trying to place him. It wasn’t often John saw trolls working in the human kingdom.

“Can I also get the Rockman’s 80 pack, please?” The cashier didn’t ask for any ID, she just put through the purchase.

“Anyone ever told ya’, ya’ look like that god. Ebert?” John breathed out a laugh.

“Y’know, I get that a lot.” He said dryly. John paid and thanked her as he left.

The sun was shining brightly over head as he walked out of the store. Even though he felt hot under his hoodie, John was still enjoying the fresh air after staying cooped up in his house. He was starting to feel less terrible for once. That was until he saw Jane’s dad across the street. John stopped short in his tracks, his heart constricted in his chest. Jane’s father hadn’t noticed John, the man seemed to be getting out of his car, perhaps to do some shopping of his own.

John didn’t know why his heart was beating so hard, why was his breathing so shallow all of a sudden. Everything sounded so loud. He didn’t want to be seen like this. Someone who was so bright with life was now withered and empty, a poor simile of who he used to be. John could picture the disappointment in Mr. Crocker’s eyes. He couldn’t stand it.

By the time Mr. Crocker turned around, John had teleported back home, crashing breathless on the floor of his bedroom. He was shaking. John looked at the groceries that had fallen out of the bags, another thing to do today. John took the cigarettes and unwrapped them before taking one and lighting it.

‘That was a little better.’ He thought as he slumped against his bed. John didn’t have it in him to move for a long while.

…

John finally picked himself up, he picked his grocery bags and teleported down to his kitchen to pack them away. John cast a look to the dishes and groaned. He knew he had to do them, one of the plates was starting to build up mould. Just load the dishwasher. That’s all he needed to do. He could do that much.

Loading the dish washer took a lot more energy than John was expecting, but he got it done. He put in the detergent and switched it on. One task done. That was enough for today. He still had laundry to do, as well as cleaning the rest of his house, but that could wait for another day.

His stomach let out a slight growl. Didn’t he eat like, half an hour ago? Why was he still hungry? John pulled out his phone, it was past 1:00Pm. Where did the time go?

John decided to put those freshly bought groceries to use and make that lasagne he was craving. John knew the recipe off by heart and couldn’t wait to dig in to the dish once he had finished. He played music from his phone, humming along to Nickelback and other old-school bands. It’s not that John didn’t like the musicians on Earth C, a lot of them were really good. He just preferred his old songs. It wasn’t long before he placed the lasagne dish in the oven and set the timer. Just 45 minutes before he could enjoy some gooey, meaty goodness.

John went into the living room, plopping down on the couch. The play screen for Mrs. Doubtfire was still showing but John didn’t feel like re-watching that movie again. He switched from the DVD to the TV deciding to watch something current instead. John didn’t know what show was playing but it was funny enough to keep him watching. Eventually the ad break played, and Jake popped up on screen.

Oh yeah, John had almost forgotten Jake did some TV shit. John didn’t really know what exactly Jake’s job was besides poster boy for SkaiaNet Enterprises, not that he really cared. John’s mind flipped from Jake to Dirk. The same Dirk he had said he was going to see today to pick up the hard drives. He tipped his head back and groaned. He still had to do that didn’t he? But did he feel like it? It was just a couple hard drives with shitty old anime on them. But he hadn’t seen them in so long and John was running out of nostalgic entertainment to indulge in. Plus, Dirk was probably expecting John, and here he was. Lying around on his ass waiting for his lasagne to finish cooking, about to stand him the fuck up just ‘cause. He looked at his phone and it was a little past 2:00pm at this point. He could pop in for a few minutes, say hi and then leave. The oven would turn off once the timer was up, so that wasn’t a problem. Not that he would be there for any longer than five minutes.

“FINE! I’ll go!” John exclaimed to no one. He went to his bathroom to freshen up a bit. He didn’t feel like brushing his teeth, so he wiped them down with a damp wash cloth before gargling some mouth wash. He picked out the sleep still crusted in the corner of his eyes and spritzed himself with some cologne. John still looked pretty terrible, but he was presentable least. He kicked on some sandals over his socks and teleported to the Consort Kingdom.

He arrived outside Jake and Dirk’s house, he went to ring the door bell until he noticed the door was open. John’s brows furrowed as he peered inside.

“Hello?” He called out, stepping inside slightly. “Dirk? Jake? Tavros?” There came no answer except the chitters of the random consorts clustered all around. A little salamander consort looked John up and down. John crouched slightly before asking “Hi little guy. Do you know where Dirk is?” The salamander tilted their head before toddling out the door while pulling John by the pant-leg signalling him to follow.

Once outside, the little salamander pointed to the roof and let out a “blub”. John’s eyes followed the creature’s leathery digit.

“He’s on the roof?” The salamander blubbed enthusiastically. “OK. Thank you!” John gave the little consort a pat on the head before flying up to the roof.

“HIIIIIYA!”

John didn’t know how to react to the site before him. Jake seemed to be fighting a couple of robots as more five other robots stood watching, as if waiting for their turn.

“TAKE THAT YOU TIN CAN! AND HOW ABOUT A KNUCKLE SANDWICH FOR YOUR BUDDY, BUDDY?!” John covered his mouth, chuckling. Jake really reminded him of an old timey fighter. If Charlie Chaplin had a voice, Jake English would be that voice. While Jake was focusing on one of the robots, the second  was coming up behind him ready to strike.

“Jake watch out!” John called out. Jake whipped his head just in time to get decked in the face by one mean looking robo-sucker punch. John winced.

“Time!” Jake said. All the robots seemed to move from attack position to shutting off. “JOHN!” Jake smiled rubbing at his cheek. “I wasn’t expecting you till Friday yet!” John floated down to the roof.

“Yeah, I’m not sticking around too long. I was actually looking for Dirk.”

“Ooooo…” Jake hissed. “Mr. Strider is actually out on his run I do believe. I doubt he’ll be back for long while.”

“Oh.” John said awkwardly. He really should have just message Dirk when to come. “So… Uh… What are you doing fighting all these robots?” He asked changing the subject. Jake seemed to perk up.

“Gotta get in my daily dose of fisticuffs, señor! Strider whipped up these bad boys so I can keep these guns perpetually locked and loaded!” Jake gave a flex of his arms, which to his credit, did look really good. “Care to join me while you wait for his highness to return?” John thought for a moment. It had been a long time since he fought anything. The last time was probably when they were battling to win the game. He probably wasn’t even that good anymore, but the offer still piqued his interest.

 He always had his strife deck on hand, and he still had his Pop-a-matic Vrillyhoo hammer which was collecting dust in his deck at this point. It’d be a shame not to use such an awesome weapon at least one more time. For old time sakes. John took out Vrillyhoo and swung it lazily.

“I’m a bit rusty.” John warned, but Jake’s smile merely grew.

“Ready…” All the robots lit up registering both Jake and John now. “Hard mode… Commence!” At once all of the robots swarmed the two. John couldn’t help but smile as they attacked.

…

Perhaps it was the adrenaline, but in the time John and Jake were fighting together, John felt alive. He had forgotten the familiar euphoria fighting brought him. The sting in his muscles as they cried out in exhaustion, the sound of his pulse throbbing in his ears. Even the feel of Vrillyhoo as it made contact with the thick metal skeleton of the robots, he missed it all. Half way through the fight John had started laughing, which made Jake start laughing. Jake would knock the robots in John’s direction, who would then pummel them with his hammer. Soon the bots became nothing more than piles of junk.

“HOLY FUCK! I forgot how fun fighting was!” John laughed. God he was thirsty.

“Right?! The high of a good slugfest is unrivalled!” Jake said, rolling his shoulders. John looked at the debris around them.

“Is Dirk going to be okay with us messing up his robots like this?” Jake tossed John a bottle of water, who caught it with ease.

“Nah. Dirk recycles the remains and makes more bots. The mans got it down to an art.” Jake cast a cheeky look to John. “Say, how ‘bout some good ol’ fashioned rough-housing? Mono-e-mono?” John gulped down some water and gave Jake the same cheeky look.

“I’m not gonna say no,” He started, storing Vrillyhoo away in his strife deck, “but I must warn you, I learned all my fighting moves shitty kung fu movies.” Jake chortled.

“What a coincidence,” Jake struck a dramatic pose, “So did I.”

The two of them proceeded to have the silliest faux martial arts battle, complete with over dramatic battle cries that more often than not, dissolved into hysterical giggles. Somewhere in-between Jake did show John a few cool wrestling moves, turns out John had been throwing punches wrong all these years. Time became lost on them. It wasn’t until the sound of someone clearing their throat did they stop their ‘scrums’.

Both John and Jake turned their heads to the sound of the noise and saw Dirk. He was dressed in a simple hoodie – Not his hentai one, thank God -  and a pair of sweats. He must have gotten back from his run, judging by the fancy running shoes he was wearing.

“Strider! Back from walking the dogs I see.” Dirk hummed in response before casting a lazy wave at John. “Oh! John came to pay you a visit, but we got to having a rough and tumble of our own.” Jake laughed nudging John with his elbow.

“I saw. Sweet martial arts, y’all almost looked like you knew what you were doing.” Dirk quipped. John scoffed.

“Excuse you, I could win the World Martial Art’s tournament.” John said folding his arms. Dirk smirked ever so slightly.

“Aight, Jackie Chun.” Dirk rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie. “How ‘bout a lil’ two on one? No weapons, no powers, just you Engliberts verse the OG ninja dude bro, aka moi?” John cast a look to Jake, who was rubbing his hands against his shorts, a look of anticipation stuck on his face. The two gave brunettes gave Dirk a mischievous smile, who in return looked equally as catty.

“You’re on dick prince! We’ll wipe the shingles with you!”

...

They in fact, did _not_ wipe the shingles with Dirk.

It was quite the opposite. While John was stronger than him, Dirk was fast, agile and ungodly flexible. The fight ended with Jake toppled over with a bloody nose and John flat on his back with Dirk’s foot on his chest. Dirk pushed his glasses up with one finger, the corner of his lip quirked in the same bullshit way Rose’s did when she was being coy.

“Alright…” John huffed. “Maybe I am Yamcha.” Dirk took his foot off John and extended a hand his direction which he took.

“Nah, you’re more of a Raditz.” The blonde said as he clapped John on the back. John snorted.

“I don’t think that’s better.” John thinks he catches Dirk laugh as he goes over to Jake, producing a box of tissues for the boy’s nose.

“That was a wicked throwdown! We had ought to do it again.” Jake nasally sniffled, pinching his bloody nose.

“Yeah, but I think I’ve done enough excising for one day.” John said stretching out his back.

“I’ll say. Goin’ from a five K run to kicking your joint ass’s? I need a drink.”  Dirk started making his way back into the main house before looking over his shoulder. “Aren’t you coming?” He asked.

“Huh?” It took a moment for John to realise Dirk had meant him and not Jake.

“Didn’t you come here for some sweet animated media, Johnathan?” The Hard drives. John had almost forgotten the reason he had come there in the first place. He nodded his head.

“Oh, uh yeah! Thanks.” John cast a look to Jake, whose nose seemed to have stopped bleeding. “Are you coming too Jake?” Jake gave one last wipe of his nose.

“I’ll have to pass. I’ve worked up quite a scent. May take a soak then I’ll join the two of you for some noodle juice!” John quirked a brow. What the goddamn hell was ‘noodle juice’?

“He means tea.” Dirk said, as if reading John’s mind.

“Right-o!”

With that, the three of them went back into the house. While Jake departed from John and Dirk, Dirk lead John to somewhere in the house he hadn’t been before. From the mounds of robot carcasses John deduced that it must have been Dirk’s makeshift workshop. There was all sorts of machines, tools and devices scattered all around, dissimilarly he had various plants suspended on rope hangers. John’s eyes eventually followed Dirk who had made his way to the open window, where three bottles of orange soda were left open.  John furrowed his brow.

“Why?” John asked as he pulled at the leaves of one of the ferns, checking if it was real or not. Dirk turned to face John and tilted his head. “Dirk, why?!” John pointed to the open bottles.

“They need to ripen.” Dirk said simply plucking one of the bottles and taking a swig. John squinted at Dirk.

“You’re so fucking weird.” Dirk shrugged before rummaging through the drawers of his desk. John huffed out a laugh, shaking his head. He looked around some more at the half finished robots. “It’s pretty cool how you can build these robots. I used to code when I was younger, but I don’t think I could ever make anything so functional.” John thought back to his days reading “Data Structures for Assholes” in his room.

“Oh?” Dirk stood up holding something in his hands. Dirk held out a bunch of portable hard drives which John took and examined. “The first one is complete Naruto series, including Shippuden and Boruto, the second is the complete One Piece series, both include the bullshit movies and OVAs. And the last is just some other pre-2009 animes I thought you'd appreciate, including classics such as Inuyasha, Yu yu hakusho, the Gundam series, Neon Genesis Evangelion and so much more. It’ll be weeb Christmas all up in your home, yo.” John looked them over, smiling.

“Thanks! Oh my God, I never finished NGE! Dirk you should make an Evangelion, that would be so cool!” Dirk paused a moment, thinking.

“The thought has crossed my mind, I’ve even drawn up some schematics to make something similar. But the materials to make one that’s big enough in for someone to get in. I could make one to accommodate the consorts.”

“Can I see them?!” Dirk side-eyed John before going to one of the cabinets in the room opening it. Inside was a whole rack of papers all rolled up. Dirk plucked one of the papers and uncurled it, flattening it against a spare table. John quickly went to Dirk’s side and looked at the blueprints. It wasn’t an Evangelion, but it was certainly a mech. A familiar mech. A _very_ familiar looking mech.

“Dirk…”

“Yes?”

“Is that the fuckin' megazord from Power Rangers Ninja Storm?” There was a pause, John already knew the answer. “You fucking nerd.” He said, poorly stifling his laughter.

“You call me a nerd, and yet you’re still able to recognise that this is not only a megazord, but _the_ megazord from Power Rangers Ninja Storm in almost an instant.” Dirk crossed his arms over his chest. “This could have been Voltron or the mech from Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go for all you know.”

“I am a connoisseur of animated mechs, whereas you, are just a nerd. Also, Voltron’s made of cats.”

“John, I will not tolerate bullying in my own home thank you very much.” That only made John laugh harder. When John’s laughter petered out, he gave the blueprints another gander.

“Your nerdiness notwithstanding, these are actually really cool.” John mused.  “They're so detailed, I couldn’t imagine pulling something like this off.” There was a quiet moment as Dirk played with the cap of his flat soda.

“I could always show you how to code. Maybe make a lil’ robot. I’ve got a semi-functional endoskeleton we could work with if you want?”

“Now?”

“I mean, if you’ve got nothing better to do…” Maybe John was still riding the adrenaline high he got from fighting because the thought of re-learning how to code and program a robot of his own sounded like a lot of fun.

“Sure!” He said enthusiastically. Dirk gave John a smile that was wider than John had seen him give – which wasn’t even that wide in retrospect – before he made his way over to a different cabinet pulling out a small rabbit like endoskeleton.

…

Maybe it was the fact that they were using future technology, but John wasn’t having as much difficulty understanding the processes behind coding than he remembered. It was a few hours before John figured out how to work with the hardware, though John didn’t feel them at all. He was too immersed in his and Dirk’s little pet project, as well as Dirk himself.

The longer John spent with Dirk he started noticing things about the other teen. Like how Dirk didn’t really have an accent. Or more accurately he had seventeen accents that constantly changed in-between sentences, albeit subtly. He also had a habit of going on tangents much like his brother. He went from explaining a function call to some weird analogy about the Vietnam war. John had no clue what the fuck Dirk meant, but it was amusing. Dirk was amusing in the weirdest way possible.

Once John had gotten a hand of things, Dirk let him work on the rabbit before leaving to grab them both some snacks. John refused to let Dirk see what action he was programming the robot to do. John snickered as he looked over the algorithm, mumbling it aloud.

“Dude, dude, dude.” John choked out, giggling “I think I finished.”

“Do I finally get to peep the sweet code you made?” Asked Dirk as he munched on some doritos.

“Wait lemme see if it works first, if not then you can check it and tell me where I went wrong, okay?” Dirk shrugged.

“Kay. Execute that bitch.” John typed on some keys before hitting enter. The robots head moved up slowly, straightening in posture. For a moment it remained stationary making John think he messed up the script, but then, in one swift motion, the rabbit did a backflip landing perfectly on its feet before dabbing. An airhorn sounded from the crappy speaker in the machine’s chest. John barked out a laugh clapping at his achievement.

“Oh Lord in heaven…” Dirk shook his head as he massaged his temples. “You’re from 2009 who the goddam hell introduced you to dabbing?” John ignored Dirk’s comments, he didn’t fail to notice the quirk of amusement on his lips.

“If I got the function right, it should do that every five minutes.”

“I hate you.”

“You brought this upon yourself by equipping me with this power” John pointed a finger at Dirk who rolled his eyes behind his shades.

“Good job anyway. Even if what you programmed is crime against humanity.” John stuck his tongue out at Dirk. He felt real proud of himself, even if the robot served no function other than being an annoying little shit, it was the first time John had programmed anything that worked. Dirk cleared his throat. “It’s a little late, you stickin’ round for dinner? And by dinner, I mean take-out pizza?” John pulled out his phone and looked at the time, it was almost eight in the evening. Where the fuck did the time go? He’s been out for like six hours. His lasagne!

“Thanks, but I really should be getting back. I still have a lasagne waiting for me at home.” Dirk hummed. “But this was really fun, maybe I could help you make the Ninja Storm megazord if you ever get round to building it?” John had no clue what he was offering, the model Dirk had on those blueprints looked much more advanced than anything John could ever scrounge up, but Dirk still gave him a small smile.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Dirk picked up the hard drives John had left on the workbench and gave them back to John. “Don’t forget you animes dude.” John smiled. He had almost forgotten about them.

“Thanks again for these. And for showing me how to code, I will use this power for good.”

“Your death will be just.” Dirk gathered some stuff together on the desk and started putting them away. “You can go and instant transmission out man, I’ll tell Jake you said bye.”

“Okay. I’ll see you round.” John made to wave but stopped pondering. “Hey Dirk?” Dirk turned to look at John who had his middle and index fingers pressed between his brown “Goodbye my friend.” John stuck around long enough to hear Dirk snort out laugh before zapping back to his house.

…

His house smelled slightly of cheese and tomato sauce. John made his way to the kitchen and opened the oven. The lasagne – though lukewarm – was cooked to perfection. John pulled the dish out of the oven with his bare hands and plucked a fork from the drawer.

He settle down on the couch feeling good as he shovelled a mouthful of lasagne down his throat. What a nice way to end off an initially terrible day. Cosied up on his couch with comfort food after spending the afternoon with his friends. His phone buzzed with a notification on pesterchum as he took another forkful. He had a message from Dirk.

**\-- timeusTestified [TT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --  
**

**TT** : I just thought you’d like to know that your monstrosity does backflip and sound airhorns every five minutes and I hate you.

 **EB** : MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN ONE OF Y'ALL TEACH ME HOW TO DO PESTERCHUM TEXT ON AO3 CAUSE IT JUST WONT WORK FOR ME PLS HELP.


	3. A Night of Laugher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farts are the height of comedy. You can't change my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little forewarning, this chapter does contain fart jokes @ the end, so if you suffer from secondary embarrassment, viewer discretion is advised.

John spent the rest of the next day watching different anime. He looked through Dirk’s hard drives for which ones he wanted to watch first. He started Dragon Ball, a classic. When the theme song played a wave of intense nostalgia washed over John, he sung along to the cheesy lyrics surprised he still remembered them. God, he needed to remember to make Dirk a 'thank you' pie or something. Time became lost on him and the days and nights melted into one.

It was now Thursday evening, John was wrapped up in his blankets. He had made it up to the start of the General Blue saga when his phone buzzed. He had a message from Jake.

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] –**

**GT** : Howdy compadre! Just wondering what time you were popping in tomorrow to see not only LOTR but the HOBBIT trilogy in what is going to be the most epic movie marathon in the history of earth c!!!!

John slapped his palm against his hand. Tomorrow was Friday. AKA the day John said he was going to come to have a movie marathon with Jake. He was so wrapped up in binging his new animes that he had completely forgotten about Jake. He groaned before moving to reply.

**EB** : um… i don’t know? what time do you think i should come so we can watch them all. from what I remember LOTR is pretty long, plus i’ve never seen the hobbit before. what even is the hobbit anyway?

**GT** : Gasp! i’m clutching my chest in absolute shock john! i thought you were a movie connoisseur such as i! the hobbit series is the prequel of LOTR!   
**GT** : It will most certainly take the whole day to get through them all. definitely going to be an all-nighter.   
**GT** : It’s probably best we get an early start, come around 10 in the AM!

**EB** : 10 is a little early.  
**EB** : cant we start around noonish?

**GT** : Hmmm. i suppose we could. we could have lunch together while watching the first movie. how does that sound?

John sighed. Even noon was still earlier than he was used to waking up, but it was much better than ten in the morning.

**EB** : sounds great. i’ll cook up some stuff to bring also!

**GT** : Sensational! i can’t wait john.   
**GT** ; See you tomorrow!

**EB** : later jake!

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --**

John closed his phone, it was almost out of battery. He groaned, tomorrow was going to be a long day. He started to wonder what kind of casserole he should make for tomorrow.

…

John had bathed and dressed nicely in the remaining clean clothes he had for his and Jake’s marathon. He had made a few dishes for Jake and him to enjoy, as well as a nice pie for Dirk to thank him for the anime. He zapped himself to the Consort Kingdom and he rung the doorbell of Jake and Dirk’s home. The door opened revealing GCatavros who regarded him slowly. There was a pause between them.

“Hey…” John tried.

“Hey…” Tavros mimicked. “What are you doing here?” John was starting to remember how much he didn’t really like Tavros.

“I’m here to watch some movies with Jake. So, uh… Move.” Tavros looked at John through squinted eyes. John rolled his eyes and teleported inside the house past Tavros. “Where's Jake?” Tavros did a double-take before closing the door.

“Uh, its rude to just go into someone’s hive like that.” John chose to ignore him. “Jake is probably in the living block or something.” As if on cue, John caught Jake descending from the stairs.

“JOHN!” he said brightly. “I thought I heard the door bell ring! How are you?” Jake pulled John into a hug as though he hadn’t seen him the day before yesterday. John awkwardly reciprocated.

“I’m good, I cooked a whole lot of food! I hope you like my home-made ravioli bake! It’s still warm.”

“Sounds scrumptious! Oh, we are going to have so much fun!” Jake took John’s hand and lead him back to their home cinema room. John cast a look back to Tavros and stuck out his tongue to the troll sprite.

“Oh, by the way. Is Dirk around?” Jake looked over his shoulder to John. “I have something for him.” John elaborated.

“He’s spending the day with Dave and Karkat I believe.” Jake said. Oh God, John hadn’t talked to neither Dave or Karkat in ages, he hasn’t even read their messages. Man, he was a terrible friend. “You’ll most definitely be able to catch him tonight though. Don’t fret.”  John and Jake settled in the cinema room, and John uncapchalogued the food he had made Jake gave the dishes a sniff and tipped his head groaning.

“I know.” John said smugly. “So how long is this series again? Will we really have to pull an all-nighter?” Jake gave a hearty laugh.

“About nineteen or so hours.” Jake said simply. John chuckled until he saw the look on Jake’s face. John’s eyes widened.

“N-NINETEEN HOURS?!”

“Around about! But we can do it! I believe in us, and I dare say believing in one’s own ability to do a thing makes them that much more capable to do it!” John’s eyebrows knitted together. This was going to be a long as hell marathon.

…

John started feeling worn down by the time they finished ‘The Return of the King’. It was nine at night and they still had yet to start the Hobbit trilogy. John’s social batteries were starting to run low. He stood up stretching his legs and back, he really needed a smoke. Jake looked at John.

“Where are you going, chap?”

“I need to stretch my legs, get some air.” Jake hummed understandingly before stretching out himself over his seat.

“I think I may take a little time out myself.” He said with a yawn. “We’ll regroup in fifteen!” John snorted before making his way to the roof. It was the safest place to smoke freely away from prying eyes. He sat himself down on the edge of the roof he took out a cigarette, lighting it before introducing it to his lips. He breathed it in slowly, enjoying the night air. He was half tempted to go home and save the movie marathon for another day, but that would be rude. His mind flashed back to Dave and Karkat. John hadn’t spoken to them for so long, they probably hated him, they all probably hated him. John couldn’t bare to burn his one remaining bridge with Jake.

“Hey stranger.” John whipped his head behind him only to see Dirk orange soda in hand as always. “Whatcha doin’ smoking on my roof like someone in grunge music video?” John puffed.

“Sorry, I can put it out.” John started but Dirk hushed him before sitting beside him.

“Nah, I don’t mind. I already knew you smoked.” John quirked a brow. “I could smell the tobacco on you the other day.”

“Okay, Terezi junior. Do you smoke?” John asked taking another puff, about to offer Dirk a puff from his own.

“I tried it, though I’m not supposed to anymore.”

“Why?”

“It fucks with the medication I’m taking.” John’s brows shot up.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to put it out? Will you be okay?” Dirk waved him off.

“I’ll live. The real question is, what are you doing here?” John shrugged rolling his shoulders.

“I just needed some air. I just got done watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy with Jake.” Dirk let out a low whistle.

“You poor soul. I’m pretty sure that’s a form of torture.” John snorted and nudged Dirk.

“No, they’re pretty good movies. Just long as hell.”

“And boring as hell.” John didn’t bother disagree, there were a few too many slow areas John could have done without. “You should get Jake to show you the Marvel Comics Infinity Saga. That’s a pretty good selection of movies. Some are much better than the others but and you don’t really _have_ to watch all twenty-two movies if you don’t wanna, but I digress.” John perked up.

“Wait. Did they make movies based on Thanos and the infinity stones?” Dirk looked at John and raised a brow.

“Yeah… You know about that shit?” John tipped his head back and laughed.

“Oh my God! In elementary school this kid used to bring his dad’s comics to school and a bunch of us would just crowed around and read it at lunch and recess.” John chuckled at the memory. “I fucking hated that kid cause his name was Jon Edwards, and that’s Jon without a ‘h’, and EVERYBODY used to mix us up. We didn’t even look alike, he was ginger and wore braces,” John took another hit from his cigarette smiling.

“What was that like?” John looked at him. “What was it like going to school and stuff?” Dirk asked quietly. Oh yeah. He didn’t go to school, he didn’t even have a proper childhood from what Roxy had told him about their life in the future.

“It was…” John thought about it for a moment before continuing. “It was simultaneously a nightmare, and pretty awesome. I didn’t really have many friends at school, but I got along with people. I lived in like the residential area in Washington which was essentially just old people and one other kid; Emma Clarke. She was kinda like my childhood crush I guess.” John smiled, remembering Emma. “We went to the same church too. I used to sing in the choir you know.” John look at Dirk smiling. “Me and this other kid Matt Ramsey were the only boys in the kids chorus. Matt had this ridiculous falsetto, I was always so jealous that I used to sing in my bedroom to hit those notes, but I never could without my voice breaking. I wish you could have heard it; his voice was so beautiful everyone said he was going to be a great singer when he grew…” John went silent.

Matt was gone. He never grew up, he’d never get to sing in front of an audience the way he had wanted. Jon Edwards was dead too, and so was Emma. His first crush. John wondered for a moment if they managed to play their own session of SBURB and make a new world for them to live their own lives. They deserved more than to die in some bullshit apocalypse.

John snapped out of his thoughts when he felt a hand press lightly on his shoulder. He turned his head, Dirk was looking at him expressionless. John didn’t like the way Dirk was looking at him, it was the way Rose looked at him while she was psychoanalysing him. His lip formed a tight line.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” He said quietly. John looked at him, he felt terrible. He said nothing, choosing instead to take a deep breath from his cigarette. Dirk had the decency not to say anything else, so the two sat in silence. John took one last puff before putting the cigarette out on the roof’s ground before getting up. Dirk’s gaze followed him as he stood up.

“Jake’s waiting for me, we still have to watch the hobbit.” Dirk scoffed.

“You’re stronger than any U.S marine.” John snorted.

“Why not join us?”

“No. I refuse, I did my time binge watching Jake’s shitty movie line up. That series is literally a time vampire and I refuse to succumb to that bullshit once again.” John huffed out a laugh.

“OK, OK. I’ll see you on the other side I suppose.” John made to go back into the house. “Oh! Before I forget, I made you nice apple pie as thanks for the animes. It’s in the fridge for you.” Dirk gasped before hopping to his feet,

“Imma eat the shit outta that pie.”

John smiled before going back inside. When John made it back to Jake, the other teen had brought an entire pot of what seemed to be fresh coffee. Jake sipped at his cup of coffee and turned to face John as he entered.

“I brewed up some bean juice to keep us bright-eyed and bushy tailed!” Jake said a little too quickly. He must have been hyper. “Want me to pour you some?” John nodded before settling in his seat next to Jake. Jake handed him a fresh cup, John sipped at it. He hated the taste of plain black coffee but if he was going to survive the next probably eight ours of this series, he needed something.

“Thanks.” He mumbled into the cup.

“You’re gonna ruddy love these movies, John! I’m telling you, they’re absolutely amazing.” John tuned Jake out as he waffled on. His mind flicked back to his old classmates as the new movie starts to play.

…

John knew he was dreaming, but it didn’t make the dream anymore palatable. He dreamed of his old life. Of Emma and Matt’s young faces watching as their world was destroyed by a meteor shower. He could hear their screams, their cries, see their faces deformed by the fire that had swallowed their homes. They blamed him. Asking why he didn’t save them, why he was so lucky to have survived when they didn’t. What remained of them staggered towards him like angry zombies screaming why he let them die. All he could say was sorry.

He woke up with a start, gasping for air. He couldn’t stop the tremors running throughout his entire body. His eyes locked on to the person in front of him. Tavros? There was a pause between the two.

“Tavros?”

“Yeah?” The sprite responded.

“Were you watching me sleep?”

“Yeah.” He snorted patronisingly. Why were all trolls so fucking weird? John looked around, he was still at Jake and Dirk’s, he must have fallen asleep somewhere between one of the movies. Jake was sprawled out on the couch like a starfish. John rolled the kink out of his neck before getting up. He felt awful. He gave Tavros one last look. He didn’t bother say goodbye before teleporting back to his house.

It felt good to be back in his own house. John crawled into his bed and wrapped himself up in his bedsheets. He was so fucking tired.

…

John didn’t touch his phone for the next week. Jake had sent him messages, but he didn’t look at them, his social batteries were on an all time low. Instead he watched some more of the shows Dirk gave him. John felt like a piece of shit as pesterchum sounded another notification, it was no doubt from Jake. John wasn’t trying to be rude, he was just so tired. Jake was probably going to get fed up of him ignoring his messages. He probably didn’t want to be his friend anymore. And with Jake came Dirk, another friend lost.  John had burned another bridge with a friend, and after everything was going so well.

His heart picked up and his throat constricted, it was happening again. John clutched at his head as he tried to steady his breathing, to no avail of course. The throbbing wouldn’t stop, everything felt like it was coming down on him and he couldn’t take it. He didn’t want to be alone again.

John forced himself to his phone and opened up pesterchum with shaky hands.

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --**

**GT** : Hola john, just checking in with you again.  
**GT** : Been a minute since i’ve seen you, just curious when you’d like to hang out again  
**GT** : There’s still so many movies i want to show you,   
**GT** : Or we could wrestle with some robros again! that was fun!  
**GT** : …  
**GT** : So yeah.  
**GT** : I suppose you’ve been busy so reply at your leisure.  
**GT** : Toodleloo chap.

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] started ceased ectoBiologist [EB] --**

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  –**

**EB:** hi jake. **  
EB: **sorry I’ve been mia, i wasn’t feeling too good but i’m better now.  
**EB** : i’d love to hang out again.

John stared at the screen, waiting for what seemed like hours for Jake to reply. He gripped his phone tightly, but no reply came. Jake hated him, Jake was sick of him and his stupid aloof antisocial shtick. John didn’t mean to be like this, he never used to be like this. He wanted nothing more but to crawl into a hole and cry. His phone pinged in his hand and he blinked away tears.

**GT** : Jumping josephat! are you alright?  
**GT** : I heard there was a spring flu going around.

John let out a shuddered breath. Their relationship was salvageable.

**EB** : i’m fine now, thanks for asking. how have you been?

**GT** : Good to hear!  
**GT** : I’ve been wonderful!  
**GT** : Oh! something hilarious happened the other day actually.

John felt his heart start to calm down as he and Jake spoke. Relieved even. The two spoke for a long while, and John’s anxiety started to melt away. The two agreed to meet up again. The in the next three days for another movie marathon, this time John had asked to see those Marvel movies Dirk had mentioned, which Jake eagerly agreed to. John made it a point to look extra good for their meet up. He prepared nanna's special oven baked mac’n’cheese, Jake was going to love it. No one can resist a good mac’n’cheese.

He arrived at the Consort Kingdom around noon like the last time. The door to their house was wide open, John wondered how they’ve never been burgled. He stepped inside the house looking around for a moment until he heard a commotion coming from the kitchen. John made his way over only to see Dirk crouched down with his phone in his hand videoing the little consort. The consort in question was a turtle wearing a safety helmet as well as knee and elbow pads. The turtle was standing on the side of a skateboard, using the kitchen table to help it balance. It cautiously let go before doing a little hop, landing perfectly on the skateboard which had flipped onto its wheels from the momentum of the little jump. The turtle looked at Dirk expectantly, who was practically vibrating.

“Holy fuck, Radical Steve that was the sickest shit!” Dirk put his phone away and offered the little consort a fist bump. “You’re so fucking talented!” Dirk said with more enthusiasm than John had ever heard him use. He couldn’t help but snicker. Dirk whipped his head at the sound looking at John. “Dude, did you just see the sweet trick Radical Steve did?” He asked completely unphased by John’s presence.

“Yeah, that was pretty radical.” The turtle “Radical Steve” offered John his enclosed fist, which John bumped with his own.

“Steve is pretty much the raddest consort in the entire kingdom. He received a sticker and everything.” On cue Steve titled his little head down showing off the sticker placed on his helmet that read ‘Raddest Dude’.

“I would have thought that title went to Nacklemore.”

“A rookie mistake. Nacklemore is the _coolest_ consort. Steve is the most _rad_.” That seemed fair enough John thought.

“So where is the little guy?” John scanned the kitchen and there didn’t seem to be any other consorts there. Just Dirk and Rad Steve, who was attempting to do his little trick again.

“He’s out with his friends. I’m not a helicopter parent. I let the lil' guy live his life with as much freedom as he requires, he always comes home when he’s hungry.” John snorted. “So, what’s up?” John said changing the topic seamlessly.

“Oh, Jake and I are gonna attempt another movie marathon.” Dirk stiffened slightly.

“Today? Like right now?” John’s eyes shifted from.

“Yes…” Dirk hissed. That wasn’t a good sign.

“Jake had to go to SkaiaNet to do some kind of photoshoot.” John’s lips formed a tight line. “I guess he forgot to tell you? He did leave in kind of a rush this morning.”

“Oh…” Well fuck. “Uh, I brought mac’n’cheese…” He said lamely, he uncapchalogued the dish and handed it to Dirk, who took it robotically. “I guess, I’ll go?”

“You could stay.” Dirk blurted out. “I mean if you want… I know I’m no Jake, but we could watch something together if you want.” John a little taken aback by the offer. Sure, he and Dirk got along well enough, and they did code that sweet back-flipping robot together, but John still didn’t know how to read him. Dirk was like Rose trapped in Dave’s body. Or more accurately Dave's irony wrapped up in a whole lot of Rose's crypticness. But it was either hang out with Dirk or wallow in his own loneliness, it really wasn’t much of a choice.

“Yeah. Sure, I’d like that.” John smiled. Dirk gave Rad Steve one last fist bump before taking John to the living room as opposed to the cinema room Jake seemed to favour. “So, what are we gonna watch? Power Rangers Ninja Storm?” John teased, Dirk cast him a pointed look.

“First of all, go fuck yourself. Second of all I was thinking we watch an anime movie? Like Dragon Ball Super Broly? It’s pretty good for its time. Oh wait, you probably haven’t seen Dragon Ball Super yet, have you? You wouldn’t get some of the references in it then…”

“Did they make a new Broly movie? Is he still mad at Goku for crying when they were babies?”

“Nah, it’s better. There’s actually a plot, and Broly is literally the best.”

“Fuck yes! I always thought it was bullshit Broly was so cool but so lame at the same time. Let’s watch it!”

“Are you sure? It kinda has spoilers to Dragon Ball Super, I don’t know if you have any intentions of watching it but still.” John shrugged.

“You can explain anything I don’t understand since you love the sound of your own voice so much.”

“Touché.” 

John settled on the couch as Dirk placed the macaroni and cheese on the coffee table so he could set up the movie. John scooched forward and pealed off the lid of the dish, the scent of his baked mac’n’cheese wafted out. His mouth started watering.

“Do you want me to get you a drink or something?” Dirk asked John just asked for whatever Dirk was having, which was a 'ripened' orange soda. He also had the courtesy of bringing plates and cutlery for the mac’n’cheese. John let Dirk get some mac’n’cheese first before serving himself. Dirk started the movie while explaining some stuff about Dragon Ball Super that John wasn’t really listening to.

The movie itself started and the animation was really pretty looking, but Dirk was still talking. John moved closer to the other teen and shovelled some food in his mouth to get him to shut up. Dirk choked slightly at the sudden mouthful, but that soon dissolved into a moan as he chewed. John chuckled.

“That’s it. Enjoy the mac.”

“I’m gonna marry this mac.” Dirk said before taking a forkful and stuffing his face. He tipped his head back and sighed. “I love this fucking mac. It tastes like an orgasm feels.” John snorted.

“It’s a secret Egbert recipe. Now shut up! I wanna watch, wait, is that a baby Freiza?”

…

John had found himself immersed in the movie, sure he didn’t know many of the references, but it was beautifully animated. Dirk was silent at his side, he seemed more interested in the mac’n’cheese, not that John blamed him. The nanna’s recipe was god tier. Occasionally Dirk would shift in his seat, John assumed it was to get comfortable, so he didn’t think twice about it. It wasn’t until John heard what could only be described as the most cartoonish sounding fart he had ever heard in his life. John turned his head slowly to look at Dirk who was still eating as though nothing happened.

“… Did you just fart?”

Dirk held his up one finger as he finished his mouthful. He smacked his lips one time before answering.

“I would like to take the most fleeting of moments to inform you that I am in fact lactose intolerant, and your mac is actually tearing up my guts.” There was a beat of silence before John burst out into laughter. He laughed so hard that his stomach started hurting, and his eyes teared up. It smelled so terrible, but that only made it funnier. “Johnathan, please don’t laugh at my affliction.”

“OH MY GOD! I CAN’T BREATHE!” He cackled. Dirk gave John a shove before getting up.

“If you will excuse me, I’m going to go shit myself real quick. Do not be perturbed by the sound of Enya that will play throughout the house, it is to cover the vicious sounds of my rancid shits.” John fell off of the sofa onto the floor still cackling as Dirk left him. Just as John was climbing down from his giggling, Enya echoed through the walls, which only sent John back into hysterics.

It was a little while before Dirk came back down. John immediately cracked a wide smile.

“You okay dude?” he said suppressing giggles. Dirk sat back where he had been sitting before.

“I’ll live.” He said before picking back his plate and eating again. John’s eyes widened.

“Dude! Should you really be eating that?! Aren’t you gonna die?” Dirk shook his head.

“I took my tummy pills. I should be good for now, and even if I’m not it will be the will of God that my ass explodes like a looney toons stick of dynamite.” John snorts. “What part are we at?” He said ignoring John’s giggles.

“Paragus just used the shock collar on poor Broly. Also, is this supposed to be like before Namek? Why is Frieza…” John cut himself off as a small toot left his behind, his cheeks flushing with colour.

How the tables have turned.

“Dude… Did you really just rip ass in my own home? On my own couch?”

“Ok first of all, I was trying to be a gentleman and hold it in…” John dissolved into giggles again. Much to his surprise Dirk ended up joining him, laughing quietly into his palm. There was just something about farts that compelled anyone to lose their shit.

For as _cool_ a dude as Dirk was, John was starting to realise that he was just a goofy nerd. Dirk wasn’t a Dave wrapped in Rose’s pedantic mannerisms. Dirk was Dirk. And John was starting to like that more and more.

…

John was blown away at how awesome that movie had been. He had Dirk rewind the fight scene a few times just so he could geek out over it some more. Dirk didn’t mind, he too was geeking out in a subtler way of course.

“God! That was WAY better than the original Broly movie! Is it weird that I loved Frieza? He was so goofy!” John exclaimed.

“Wait till you watch DBZ Super, if you ever get down to watching it that is. It’s animation does get a bit choppy in places, but when they go in, they go in.” John bit the corner of his lip before replying.

“Maybe we could y’know…” Dirk looked at John quirking his head. “Maybe we could watch it together? Like you could come over to my place and show me some more cool shows?” John tried. He studied Dirk’s face who remained quiet for a moment shifting his body to face John.

“Yes.” He said finally.

“Hell yes?”

“Hell.”

“Fucking.”

“Yes!” The two said in unison. John offered his fist to Dirk who bumped it against his own. John gave Dirk a wide smile, and Dirk returned it with an earnest smile of his own.

…

Jake staggered through the door with a groan, he shut it with a loud bang before kicking off his shoes haphazardly. Curse his stupid agent. Just as he was about to make his was into the kitchen he heard a commotion coming from the living room. He peered his head through to the living room only to see John and Dirk watching some animated show. John was talking enthusiastically, and Dirk seemed to be listening with a half-smile on his face. Jake slaps a palm to his forehead, he had forgotten that John was coming like a buffoon, but it seemed like Dirk kept him company.

“Hello you two.” They two turned to face him.

“Hi Jake!” John waved at the other teen. Dirk offered him a head nod.

“Hi John. I’m so sorry, I completely forgot all about today.” Jake started, but John hushed him.

“It’s cool! You had to go to work, plus I had Dirk to keep me company.” John nudged Dirk with his arm, who promptly swatted him away. “Oh, speaking of How was the SkaiaNet thing?”

“It was a ruddy long day. Stupid agent didn’t bother giving me some forewarning, I have half the mind to fire that man!” Jake flopped beside John who gave him a pat on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry you had a lame day. We left some mac’n’cheese for you in the fridge if you’re hungry.” Jake hummed appreciatively.

“Thank ya’ much, kind sir. Honestly I just want so lounge about with some bros and pop on a subpar flick.”

“If that’s the case we should put on Weekend at Burnies.” Jake harrumphed and tossed a cushion at Dirk who sliced it in half with a sword.

“You take that back you animal!” Jake said leaping to his feet.

“Make me, bitch boy.” With a cry, Jake leapt across John and started tickling Dirk who shrieked as he tried to scramble out of Jake’s grasp. Dirk’s full laugh sounded somewhere between a hiccup and a wheeze coupled with the occasional snort. It was hilarious.

"John help!" Dirk squawked. John leapt into the fray only to join Jake in tickling Dirk who was snorting and wheezing out laughs. Eventually they had to cease their because Dirk kicked their collective asses in retaliation. John’s cheeks and abs hurt both from laughing too hard, and from where Dirk hit him. 

It was late into the night before John decided it was time to go home. Jake offered John a hug goodbye, and Dirk flipped him the bird from the other side of the room he had migrated to after their tickle war. John bid them both farewell before he teleported back home his heart feeling full. He flopped on his bed sighing contently, the sound of Dirk’s echoing in his head. His phone lit up, Dirk had sent him the video of Radical Steve doing his little skateboard trick.

‘What a nerd.’ John thought before kicking off his shoes and ducking into his covers, not bothering to change his clothes.

 He slept well that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter that's everywhere and no where at once. I'm still tryna establish a foundation before the gay can happen.
> 
> I still have no idea how to do the pesterchum formatting even tho people have tried explaining it to me. I just have to accept that in terms of coding, im worse than john and karkat combined.


	4. Peach Cobbler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like a lil peach cobbler.
> 
> ((I didn't proof read this cause im sick of looking at it.))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sozzles this took 10 years to write. I was writing chapter 4 and it just got so thick that I had to seperate it into chapter 5 too. Consider this chapter 4 part one, and the next chapter will be chapter 4 part two.

John was an idiot. A grade A dumbass if ever there was one. Tonight was the night Dirk was coming over and John had forgotten that he hadn’t cleaned up his house in approximately three months.  It was noon, and Dirk was due to come around five. There was no way in hell John would be able to clean his house and make food for tonight. He had no choice but to call in the big guns. John picked up his phone and dialled, the line ringed for a beat.

“Hello John, my dear.” His nanna said on the other side. “What a nice surprise!”

“Hi Nanna, how have you been?” He asked.

“Oh I’ve been good darling. And so have I!” Both nannas said through the phone. “What about you? You haven’t spoken to us in a good while, and I’m sure you’re not doing so to say ‘hello’.” Damn, right on the ball.

“Yeah…” He started. “I kind of had a favour to ask of you…”

John explained the situation to his grandmothers and the two of them rushed to his house arm to the teeth with grocery bags full of produce. They scolded John for leaving his house in such a state before getting to work in the kitchen. John ran around his house like a mad man in an attempt to make it presentable. He needed to keep the illusion that he had his life together and a messy home was no way to do that.

John just about managed to clean everything and threw some remaining trash in the fireplace to keep it burning. He put his hands on his hips looking at his work. There were some miscellaneous stains on the carpet John wasn’t able to get out with the vacuum, but it was good enough. He checked the time, it was about half four. John still had half an hour to make himself look decent before Dirk arrived. He decided to go into the kitchen to check on his grandma’s who were cooking up a storm in there. John peered his head in and his eyes widened.

“Nannas?” The two women turned to look at him, both smiling.

“Yes, dearie?” They said in unison.

“You know I love the both of you,” He started, “But… Why have you made a banquet?”

The amount of food they had made was ridiculous. There was potato salad, a roast chicken, beef stew, homemade biscuits, collard greens, smoked BBQ ribs, candied yams, lasagne and from the sweet sent emanating from the oven, some kind of dessert. Was that peach cobbler? His grandmas tutted.

“You could always use the leftover, hun.” The first nanna said.

“And your little friend can take some home with him.” Said the other. John couldn’t argue with that logic, at least he wouldn’t need to cook dinner for the next week. “Now, go clean yourself up, dear.”

John knew trying to backchat one nanna was an uphill battle, let alone two. John ran up the stairs to the bathroom, he took out his phone .

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering timeusTestified [TT] --**

**EB:** hey!  
**EB:** I hope you’re hungry.  
**EB:** also just letting you know in advance, you should definitely bring your tummy pills.

 **TT:** Good lord.   
**TT:** What have you done?

 **EB:** let’s just say my nannas went a little bit overboard :B

 **TT:** You’re going to make me fat.

 **EB:** Oh please. You could use a little skin on those bones of yours you skinny nerd.  
**EB:** tonight you’re gonna eat good strider!

 **TT:** Well shit.   
**TT:** I didn’t realise you were a southern grandmother yourself John. You take one look at my slim physique and decide the only course of action is to regurgitate lard into my guts like a mother bird would her young.   
**TT:** I’ll be sure to wear my most loose skinny jeans for the occasion.

 **EB:** lol. What the fuck dude.  
**EB:** I need to hop into the shower real quick, but I’ll see you soon?

 **TT:** Aight. Later man.

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started ceased timeusTestified [TT] –**

  
John dashed into the shower with some clothes bundled up in his hands.

…

John had just about finished showing when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll GET IT!” He called out to his nanna’s as he hurriedly dressed up, hopping on one foot to get his jeans on. John made his way out the bathroom, his hair still wet, and ran to make his way down the stairs. His one of his nannas had already opened the front door and there Dirk was in the entry way. “Hi Dirk!” He called as he started to make his way down the stairs. Dirk gave him a wave. Unfortunately, John wasn’t looking where he was going and stepped on the hem of one of his pant legs causing him to trip, cascading down the stairs like Hella Jeff. The irony was not lost on him.

John crashed off the bottom step to the floor and stayed there a moment.

“I warned you about those darned stairs Johnny-poo!” His nanna hooted. John groaned from his place on the floor.

“You good?” Dirk asked casually, John gave him a thumbs up. “Aight cool. That was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life.” He said completely deadpan. John lifted his head and gave Dirk a pointed look, who in question had his lips pressed together in an attempt not to laugh at him. Dirk extended a hand out to John took it, taking a moment to readjust his glasses. He took in Dirk’s appearance, he was wearing a simple Hello Kitty sweater, except Hello Kitty was wearing shade reminiscent of his own.  What an absolute dork.

“I respectfully request that we pretend that never happened.”

“Request denied you bitch.”

“Nannas, Dirk is bullying me!” Dirk delivered a swat to John’s arm.

“Don’t tattle on me, you nark.”

“Now, now, now, boys!” One of his nanna’s started. “No bickering. Save that gum flapping for the food, boys.” She finished as she ushered Dirk further into the house. In the time John had taken to get cleaned up, his grandmothers had spread out the entire banquet on John’s coffee table in front of the television. John snickered as Dirk did a double take when his eyes fell on the food.

“Holy mother of God.” Dirk muttered under his breath. 

“We hope you’re hungry kids.” John’s nanna looked Dirk up and down. “Hopefully we can get some meat on those bones of yours, honey.” She said giving Dirk a nudge with her elbow.

“Told you you’re a skinny nerd.” John tease. Dirk casually flipped him off when the nannas weren’t looking.

…

The rest of the evening went as smoothly as John had hoped. Save from the teasing from his nannas, he had a lot of fun hanging out with Dirk.  Somewhere between shows, the two switched to playing video games on John’s old game cube console. The highlight however, was watching Dirk try his nanna’s cooking. Dirk’s stoic cool-guy façade melted away the moment he introduced one of the BBQ ribs to his mouth. John couldn’t help but chuckle when Dirk tried something new, he was so dramatic. He would moan, putting the back of his hand to his head as if he were fainting, before praising at how good it was, he even asked one of John’s nanna to marry him.  John didn’t blame him; his nanna’s cooking could end wars.

The night ended, and Dirk went home with several Tupperware containers of leftovers. The two scheduled another meet up, Dirk promised to bring over some other video games for John to play, as well as some mangas he had offered to borrow John. John went to sleep that night feeling content.

…

It wasn’t long before John fell into a steady rhythm watching movies with Jake at the consort kingdom and hanging out with Dirk back in his own home. Sometimes he’d join the both of them in sparing with robots, Dirk had even shown John how to work the battle-bots to spar with when they Jake and Dirk weren’t home. Other times John would spend time with Dirk in his workshop helping him with his coding. Their backflipping rabbit – who was now lovingly named Lil’ Liv-Sebastien – could now moonwalk.

His presence at the consort kingdom had become a more common occurrence. He started getting to know the consorts that came in and out of Jake and Dirk’s house by name, and those consorts liked having another human to play with. John liked them all, but his favourites were Nacklemore and Rad Steve by far. Steve loved showing John his skateboarding skills, which John always videoed before giving the little guy a hug. And Nacklemore had drawn John a picture of the two of them together holding hands in a field. John almost cried, before going home to put it on his fridge.

The days Dirk would come over to his house John always made sure to cook something new just to see Dirk’s reaction. Sometimes they’d play video games, or watch anime, but then there were other days, John would play some music while cooking and two would dance. Well… it was less dancing and more John aggressively mixing an omelette to the beat while Dirk tried not to laugh. One time Dirk played of the Naruto themes and John slipped from dancing too hard. Dirk videoed the entire thing.

He felt better than he had felt in a long time, but that wasn’t to say he didn’t have off days.

His lowest days were when both Jake and Dirk were busy. Jake had his job - though it was pretty much a casual gig - there were instances where Jake would work for days on end. Then there was Dirk. Dirk had a pretty loose routine. He’d go on runs at least twice a week, then hang out with Dave for some bro time at least once a week. Sometimes he’d hang out with Roxy and Calliope as well, but not as much as he would Dave or Karkat. He always had the courtesy to invite John to join, to which John would politely decline, pretending he had other things to do. In reality he just couldn’t face them. Any of them. The mere thought of seeing them again after so long made him feel queasy. Instead John would hole himself up in his bed, smoking a cigarette as he wallowed in his own loneliness.

Other than that, the last month had been better than all the others preceding them. Until tonight.

John was sitting with Jake watching Thor: The Dark World and John had just about checked out during the middle of it. Jake however, seemed to be deeply enraptured in the flick as though he were watching it for the first time. He felt himself floating off somewhere, like he was detaching from his body, but then he felt a familiar pit in his stomach. His throat started to close up as his heart pounded against his rib cage. Why was this happening? He wasn’t upset, he wasn’t anything, and now he felt his control slipping from his fingertips. He shot up out his seat abruptly causing Jake to look at him.

“I-I… Uh. I’m g-going to get some water.” He said, Jake barely had time to reply before John made his was out down to the kitchen. John felt like sighing in relief when he saw a lack of any consorts occupying the kitchen. He settled himself in a chair and tried to breath but all that came out was a stuttered wheezing sound.

‘Why now?!’ He cursed, squeezing his eyes shut. ‘Why now? Why here?! Why me?!’ John almost jumped when he felt a firm hand on the back of his neck forcing his head down.

“Shhh, keep your head down and breath with me.” It was Dirk. He breathed in for two beats then back out again, urging John to mimic. John tried to do the same, but it came out more wet and stuttered than Dirk’s. “It’s okay. It’ll pass.” He said calmly as he rubbed circles on John’s back. “Here, look.” John finally forced open his eyes and saw Dirk had his phone out, on it was a cute video of a big dopey looking dog trying to walk with little shoes on its paws. It took John a moment to register what he was seeing, but when he did, he let out a small watery laugh.

“Poor baby.” He mumbled, sniffling slightly. Dirk handed John his phone as another video of someone’s lusus trying to attack it’s own shadow.

“Here.” Dirk held a cup of water out to John. There was a straw placed in the cup for him to drink from, which John appreciated since he didn’t trust his hands not to tremble. John took a sip from the straw, doing everything in his power to not look at Dirk directly. He was feeling better, but he still couldn’t stop the tremors. Dirk rested a hand on John’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah…” He stuttered. “I-I… Uh… I’m s-sorry. That’s never h-happened before, I don’t kn-know what that was.” He fumbled out as an attempt to save face. John’s cheeks felt hot with embarrassment, he did not want to be seen like this. Dirk shushed him for what seemed like the millionth time.

“It looked like a panic attack man.” What an appropriate name for it. “It’s cool dude. I get them too.” John finally looked at Dirk, eyes widened.

“R-really?” He was a little embarrassed at how vulnerable his voice sounded. Dirk nodded.

“Yeah, they suck.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “Do you get them often?” John bristled and took another sip of water before clearing his throat.

“No. No I don’t.” He lied. “I mean, not since I was a kid.” He could have been honest, a part of him wanted to be honest, but the thought of Dirk knowing scared him. Dirk would know that something was wrong with John, and John did not need his pity. Dirk was a little too quiet, like he knew John was lying but he didn’t press him any further. “I… I’m surprised you’re back from your run already. It hasn’t even been two hours.” John said changing the subject.

“Actually, I didn’t go running,” Dirk pulled up a chair and sat opposite John. “I… I went to therapy.” He finished hesitantly. John’s brows raised slightly.

“You go to therapy?”

“Yeah. Started going as soon as the option became available. The medication I take are actually… Antidepressants.” John didn’t know how to register what Dirk had just told him. Dirk was depressed? But at the same time, of course he was. He grew up in the middle of the ocean with nothing but robots and a demon puppet as a family. All because John didn’t take two seconds to figure out what he was doing before he shipped little baby Dirk into the middle of nowhere. Who wouldn’t come out of that situation a little messed up.

“Um… I’m sorry.” He said lamely. Dirk quirked his head to one side.

“Why? It’s not your fault I’m depressed.”

“Uh… yeah I guess. Sorry, wait! Not sorry um… Y’know what I mean.” Dirk breathed out a quiet chuckle.

“Yeah I know.” Dirk paused and started to play with his fingers. He seemed more anxious than John had ever seen him. “You know…” He started, “Before I started seeing my therapist I had a lot of fucked up thoughts about myself, as well as some suicidal ideation among other things… And though I’m not exactly where I would like to be mentally, I still recognise that I’m a lot better and happier than I was when I was keeping everything bottled up.” He finished. John wasn’t dumb. He knew where Dirk was going with this.

“I don’t need to go see some therapist.” He said a little too defensively.

“I never said you did.” John groaned and rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need this right now.”

“Need what?”

“You pulling your psychoanalytical Jedi mind tricks. Tryna’ reverse psychology my ass into agreeing with you and shit.”

“I was never really into Star Wars. Was more of a Treky growin’ up.” John snorted, stepping on one of Dirk’s feet lightly. “Look I’m not gonna twist your arm about it, but if something’s going on, it could help seeing a professional.”

“Look, I don’t need to go to therapy. It was literally just the one time, it’s not that deep. I’m not, like, I’m not fucked in the head like you are.” John wished he could take back what he just said. He closed his eyes, rubbing fingers at his temples. “I… I d-didn’t mean it like that. Dirk I’m sorry that was messed up…”

“It’s fine.” Dirk cut him off. “You’re not exactly wrong, nor am I offended. I know I’m fucked in the head, which is why I started going to therapy in the first place, cause pretending I was okay wasn’t working anymore.” John didn’t know what to say, so he settled with saying nothing at all. Instead he stood back up.

“I need to get back to Jake.” He said simply. Dirk mumbled an “Okay” before John made his way to leave.

“Hey, John?” The other turned around to look at Dirk. “If you ever need talking down from a panic attack, feel free to hit me up.” John thought on the offer before nodding his head.

“Okay. Thanks.” He mumbled before leaving.

John took his time making his way back to Jake thinking about what Dirk had said. ‘Pretending I was okay wasn’t working anymore.’ They weren’t that different the two of them. Except Dirk had depression, Dirk was depressed of course pretending he was fine wouldn’t work. But John wasn’t depressed. John wasn’t pretending to be okay, he was a normal person who just had bad days sometimes. He was okay and that was the difference.

John finally made his way back to Jake, who greeted him with a smile. John returned it with one much more fake before settling beside him. Movie was still playing but John was only half there.

…

A few days passed since then, and Dirk had the courtesy of not mentioning what had happened much to John’s relief. The two were currently on the roof of Dirk’s home sparing. John could tell Dirk was holding back because John had lasted longer than two minutes.

“Dude c’mon. Get good.” Dirk taunted. John huffed before charging, he zapped behind Dirk and tackled him to the ground. “Dude! That’s a bitch move!”

“Sounds like something a sore loser would say.” John joked detaching himself from Dirk. Dirk stayed on the ground, reclined on his forearms. “You have to admit, I’m tougher than I was the first time we fought.”

“Yeah, sure. But, you’re still a stank ass cheater with no honour.” John chuckled, wiping the swear from his brow. “You know… Tomorrow I’m going to the Carapace Kingdom. Calliope wrote some sweet fanfics and I get the privilege of reading them.” John snorted.

“Well you crazy kids have fun.”

“You should come. I may have mentioned that you and your nannas make a mean peach cobbler and Calliope has been dying to try it.” John is stiffened before averting his gaze.

“I don’t even have peaches at home. Especially not enough to make a cobbler big enough to satisfy Calliope. But thanks anyway for thinking of me.” Though she was quite small, Calliope could eat thrice her weight in food. John thought for a moment before looking at Dirk hesitantly. “You guys don’t like… Gossip about me, do you?”

“Yep.” The blonde replied simply. “We all have weekly meet ups where everyone just talks about you and what you’re up to.” John’s eyes widened.

“Really?”

“Nah. I’m not really the gossipy type, plus you’re not really interesting enough to gossip over. No offense.” John deflated slightly before moving to push Dirk over, who let it happen. “But for real though, they are a lil’ jealous me and Jake have become the chosen ones. You should message them sometime.” John chewed the inside of his cheek. He had been neglecting them hadn’t he. But thinking about them made him think about SBURB, about his life before. Besides, they probably had other things to do, living their lives in their happy ending. They didn’t _need_ John around. John was pulled out of his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Dirk was looking at him. “They still love you.” He said softly. John felt his heart ache.

“Yeah.” He said, not quite believing what he was saying. Dirk’s lip forms a tight line before he gets up, John follows him up.

“I’m going to go take a shower.” Dirk said finally. John let out a dramatic groan.

“Your showers take forever! I could slow roast a turkey in the time you take to shower.” Dirk looked over his shoulder.

“Well then get cookin mister. Imma be hungry once I’m all squeaky clean.” John chuckled as Dirk turned on his heel and left him alone on the roof. John didn’t feel like leaving just yet, so instead his pulled out a cigarette and started smoking. He thought about Dirk’s offer to see Roxy and Calliope together. Maybe he’d feel better about the prospect tomorrow.

‘Maybe I should make a turkey.’ He thought to himself as he breathed in another puff of smoke.

…

It was the next day, and John found himself waking up around two in the afternoon. He contemplated what he should do today, Jake was working, and Dirk was at the Carapace Kingdom with Roxy and Calliope. John stared at the pesterchum app on his phone. All those unread messages. He still didn’t feel like dealing with that right now, so he put his phone back down and made his way to his kitchen for something to eat. He had been going through groceries more quickly ever since he started feeding Dirk and Jake. Sometimes Tavros would eat his food too, then give him a back handed compliment. He looked though his fridge, he definitely should buy some more stuff.

He doesn’t bother changing out of his sleepwear. He just slide on some crocs, grabs his wallet and zapped himself to the market. He pulled a trolley from the bay and perused the aisles. He then proceeded to pluck all sorts of produce from the shelves, he grabbed some meats, a whole chicken and some flour. He also made sure to get lactose free milk and cheeses for Dirk since he liked John’s mac’n’cheese so much. He gave the aisle another look before his eyes settled on a sale.

‘ _Peaches 25% off_ ’

John chewed on his tongue before putting some in his trolley.

…

He really didn’t know what he had been thinking making all that food. He roasted a leg of lamb, made some mashed potatoes, gravy and steamed vegetables, as well as the peach cobbler, which he made in his largest dish. The clock had just turned to five in the evening. The food was still cooling, steam wafting off of each of the dishes. His mind shifted to Dirk. He was probably still with Calliope and Roxy. He could message Dirk saying he had peaches after all. John could easily go over there, Roxy wasn’t  fussy eater, she’d eat anything put in front of her. And the cobbler was pretty big, the four of them would be able to have their fill. They could all laugh together and pretend like they had never been apart for however many months John had holed himself up for.

Except he did. He consciously ignored them all and that was something he could never take back. Roxy probably hated him for leaving her, the two had been sort of close before John cut her off like everyone else. Dirk said they still loved him, but what if they didn’t. He didn’t know what they all thought. John used to get multiple messages from them a day, but even those started to die off in frequency. They had given up on him, they were sick and tired of him and it was all John’s fault.

John squeezed his hands into his fists so hard he worried the imprint of his fingernails into the skin of his palm. He knew that throbbing sensation in his head too well, he was going to have another panic attack. He tried to focus his breathing, he pulled out his phone and started watching cute lusus videos in an attempt to stall it. It wasn’t working as well as it had with Dirk. He could message Dirk asking him to help him through it, but what if he was still with the girls? John didn’t want to pull Dirk away like that, that wasn’t fair to them. But at the same time, his heart hurt, and he didn’t want to be alone.

He bit back a sob trying to compose himself before opening the chat client on his phone.

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering timeusTestified [TT] --**

**EB** : dirk?   
**EB** : are you there?

John waited for what felt like an eternity before his phone buzzed in his hands.

 **TT** : What’s up?

He breathed a sigh of relief.

 **EB** : are you still with roxy?

 **TT** : No. I’m in my room.  
**TT** : Some stuff came up, so I left.

 **EB** : did something happen?

 **TT** : Jane’s going through some Crocker Corp shit, so I took the hint and left the ladies to their business.

 **EB** : oh…

 **TT** : Is everything okay?

 **EB** : um… The market had a sale on peaches.   
**EB** : I made peach cobbler.

 **TT** : Oh?  
**TT** : Well if you want, we can give it to them tomorrow.

 **EB** : …

Tomorrow was a long ass time away, and John didn’t really care about seeing Roxy or Calliope right now. He just didn’t want to be alone. He worried his lip between his teeth when he felt his phone buzz once again.

 **TT** : Would you like to come over?

 **EB** : Yes please.

He typed embarrassingly fast. He knew he sounded desperate, but he didn’t care.

 **TT** : Okay. I’m in my room. You know where it is right?

John had walked passed Dirk’s room many times, but he had never been inside.

 **EB** : Yeah. I’ll be over soon.

 **TT** : Okay.   
**TT** : See you.

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started ceased timeusTestified [TT] –**

John didn’t even try to make himself look presentable, Dirk had seen him during his panic attack, and John couldn’t look much worse than that. He was still in his pjs which had accumulated a few stains from cooking without an apron, and his eyes were probably still red and glassy from holding back the tears. John took the peach cobbler and teleported to the Consort Kingdom. He ended up right outside of Dirk’s bedroom. He let out a shuddered breath before timidly knocking on the door. It didn’t take long for Dirk to open the door.

“Dude, you don’t have to knock.” John looked Dirk up and down. He was wearing sweats and a t-shirt that read ‘Gay Bitch Syndrome’ in cursive text over a picture of a muscular biker. John couldn’t help but laugh.

“I thought homosexuals were fashionable.” Dirk rolled eyes taking the dish out of John’s hands and went into his room inviting the other teen to follow. Dirk stashed the dish in a minifridge for later.

“My fashion sense transcends all conceivable realms of style and convention. No mere mortal can perceive my sweet sense of ironic swag.” John snorted at his response.

Dirk’s room was much like his workshop, in the sense that there were a mixture of robotic knick-knacks and small plants hanging on little harnesses. It wasn’t exactly clean, but it wasn’t messy either. Kind of like an organised chaos, everything looked like they were supposed to be where they were. Dirk settled on his bed where there was an acoustic guitar laying there. Dirk patted the space beside him, urging John to sit down with him, which he did.

“You play?” John asked. Dirk gripped the guitar by the neck, pulling it into his lap.

“Yeah. I thought I’d learn since guys who play guitar become three-thousand times hotter.” John smiled leaning against the wall slightly.

“Can you play me something?” John asked softly. Dirk didn’t reply, he merely started strumming. John closed his eyes as Dirk’s fingers plucked gracefully over the strings. He recognised the song almost instantly. “Is this ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’?” John asked.

“Yeah. You like old school songs, don’t you?” Dirk already knew the answer. John smiled.

“You know this one time, at the sixth grade winter ball, me an Emma danced together to this song.” He let out a quiet laugh.

“Emma was your crush, right?” John hummed.

“Yeah. It was so funny though, cause she kept stepping on my feet, so I started stepping on hers. In the end we ended up having a competition who could step on whose feet the most while dancing.” John opened his eyes when Dirk stopped playing.

“You miss her?”

“I guess…” John said after a long pause. “Sometimes I like to think that she and everyone else played their own version of SBURB, and they won and made their own universe to live in. And they’re all happy.”

“That’s a nice thought.” John hummed once more, his eyes trained on the corner of the room. “You can smoke here if you want to.” Dirk added. John didn’t have it in him to decline. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. There was a quiet moment before John pipped up again.

“What do you even _do_ at therapy?” Dirk seemed to be thrown off by the question.

“Well, I talk to my cool as fuck therapist of course.” John rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, well no shit. I just don’t understand how that would fix you and stuff.” Dirk straighten up against the back of his headboard. 

“First of all, you can’t ‘fix’ depression. That’s not how it works.” He started. “The thing you gotta realise is, I’m always going to carry this emotional baggage with me for the rest of my life. And sometimes it gets so hard, just doing the bare minimum and don’t even get me started on all the self-destructive thoughts I get. Having a therapist helps put things into perspective for me so I can deal with it in a healthier way, since I can’t always trust myself since my minds skewed by self-hatred plus an inflated ego.” John blew out a puff of smoke looking at Dirk. “The medication helps too.”

“But doesn’t it suck? Being on a pill the rest of your life? I mean, we’re literally immortal, that’s a long ass life.” Dirk gave a shrugs.

“I mean sure that might be deterrent to some, but the way I see it is, if taking one pill a day helps my brain function better then I think it’s a fair trade.” John had never thought about it like that.  “Are you okay John?” John let out a laboured sigh, slumping slightly.

“I’m just a little tired.” He brought his knees up to his chest. “Could you play me another song? A different one?”

“Any request?” John shook his head in response. John closed his eyes once more once Dirk started playing again, but they didn’t stay closed as he recognised the song.

“Is this ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ by Rick Astley?”

“Do you really have to ask?” John grabbed a stray pillow and threw it at Dirk. He could not believe he just got Rick Rolled.

…

John didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he woke up in Dirk’s bed. A blanket had been draped over him and a pillow placed under his head. He stretched out in the bed, he knew he should probably get up. It’d be weird to stay in someone else’s bed. Slowly, he dragged his way down stairs, there were already consorts littered about. John made his way into the kitchen, where Dirk was drinking tea, Nacklemore was cuddling into him. The little consort also looked tired.

“You’re awake. Sleep well?” Dirk asked, taking another sip from his mug.

“I think I need another seven hours.” John yawned, his eyes fell on the peach cobbler on the table. “Are you going to give it to them today?” Dirk lolled his head to one side.

“I thought we were going to give it to them together.” He said simply.

‘Together.’ John thought. They could go together, it’d probably be a lot easier with Dirk there as well to break any tension, plus he did miss Roxy… But at the same time, he was still so tired, and he knew he looked terrible, and miserable. After a long while John tentatively shook his head.

“Um… No. I’m not really feelin’ it.” He mumbled out. That was clearly not the answer Dirk was looking for, judging by the way hips lips pressed together.

“Okay. I’ll tell them you said hi.” John was relieved and gave Dirk a small smile. “You hungry? I’m sure there’s something edible around here. Also Rose gave us this sweet lavender tea, it’s pretty good.” John gave a shrug.

“Yeah. I’d like some tea.” Dirk shifted Nacklemore to his hip as he got up, the little nakodile made a noise of complaint before yawning. Poor guy was getting cranky. Dirk poured John some tea and handed it to him. It really was good.

“Hey,” John looked at Dirk. “I’m gonna go get ready, could you put Nackles down for a nap. He’s getting all uppity.” The nakodile let out a whine in protest. “You can rest up in my room too if you don’t feel like going home.” John gave Dirk a small smile.

“Okay, thanks.” John took Nacklemore from Dirk, who didn’t seem to mind the transfer at all. Dirk uttered a “See you later” before ascending up the stairs. Nacklemore let out a yawn. “Me too, Nackles.” John said, taking a sip of the tea. Once he was finished, he hiked Nacklemore up on his hip and made his way to Dirk’s room, the little nakodile nuzzling John’s chest. Once in Dirk’s room, he settled into Dirk’s bed, taking time to tuck in Nacklemore. “Night Nacklemore.” The nakodile muttered a soft ‘nak’ before the two of them fell asleep with ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter once again was all over the place omg. but the boys are bonding and thats all that matters.
> 
> hope you loved it! give me some sweet feedbacks and ill thrive like a thot.


	5. Weight lifting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finally gets some things off of his chest. AKA chapter 4.2 electric boogaloo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the reason this chapter took so long was cause I had exams so I couldnt even think abt focusing on it. I tried to get it out for the end of pride month but i have failed. So pls, enjoy this mess.

Roxy and Calliope had written John a letter thanking him for the peach cobbler, which had been lovingly sealed with rainbow glitter wax. He felt a smile creep onto his face when he read it, he immediately wrote them both a letter back. It was surprisingly less hard to talk to them via mail than it was to open their messages. Dirk had commented that it was cute, and that he and Roxy were like World  War One sweethearts mailing each other like that. To which John had responded by throwing a pillow at him. All in all, it was something different and John could handle it.

Over the last couple days John had felt a cold coming on. Dirk had offered him some medicine – apparently, he had a whole pharmacy in his bathroom cabinet – but nothing was working. John didn’t mind it though, he knew it was going to pass soon enough, so he didn’t bother stressing about it.

It was early June now. John was coming out from the upstairs bathroom, when he heard voices from the kitchen.

“So what were you thinking of getting of getting him?” Jake said.

“I have the perfect gift idea. The complete Love Simon box-set trilogy plus bonus behind the scenes clips.” Dirk clapped his hands together. Jake groaned.

“Criminy, why didn’t I think of that?! Karkat sure can be a goon to shop for.”

“Just get him a life-size poster of your ass. Trolls love your ass.” Jake let out a hearty laugh.

“I’m pretty sure everyone loves Jake’s ass.” John said, walking into the kitchen. “What are you two talking about?” Dirk and Jake traded looks before Jake speaks up.

“Well, it’s Karkat’s wriggling day next week.” John’s eyebrows shot up. Oh yeah, Karkat was born in Troll June! “We were all planning to have a little game night to celebrate.” Jake finished softly.

“Oh…” John mumbled out, there was a beat of silence before Jake continued.

“It’ll be the first time everyone’s gotten together in a while. I know you’ve been a tad under the weather, but it’s be swell if you came.”

“Yeah, uh… I mean…” John wringed his hands together. He really should go, but with all of them there at the same time. That was different to writing a letter. It was too soon for that. “I don’t know…” He said finally. Apparently, that was the wrong answer judging by the way Dirk was tapping his foot. He did the same thing when a consort went somewhere they weren't supposed to be.

“C’mon John. Everyone misses you, and you’ll probably feel better if you see the instead of pretending they don’t exist.” Dirk commented rather curtly.

“I just don’t feel like seeing them.”

“You never feel like seeing them.” John didn’t know why Dirk was nagging him all of a sudden. Why couldn’t he just leave it alone like always. John liked how things were, why was he trying to change that? “I know it’s been a while, but I know you’ll enjoy yourself in the moment.”

“I just don’t wanna go!” John raised his voice.

“They’re not fucking strangers dude."

"Dirk, calm down."

"No, Jake. He's not a baby, and I'm done tiptoeing around his fragile as fuck feelings. They’re your friends, John, and they miss you!” Dirk challenged.

“Well maybe, I don’t miss them!” John couldn’t stop himself from going on, “And I’m not one of your pet projects that you can just meddle with, so you should mind your business!”

A silence washed over them like a tidal wave. John’s throat closed up. Dirk’s lips formed a tight line. He didn’t mean that, he didn’t mean to say any of that.

“Ok. Fine.” Dirk said dryly, before making his way out of the kitchen. John wanted to call out to him, to tell him he didn’t mean it and that he was sorry. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. When Dirk was gone, he let out a shaky breath.

“I didn’t mean that.” He choked out. Jake put a hand on John’s shoulder, bringing him out of his trance. Jake offered John a small smile.

“I know, chap.” He started, “Please excuse Dirk. He has a tendency to think he knows what’s best for everyone. Sort of like a semi-overbearing mother, but he’s only trying to help.” John hummed in response. “But he isn’t exactly wrong.”

“What?” Jake hesitated for a moment, as if trying to find the words he wanted to say.

“I know from experience that it’s easy to get caught up in your own noggin… It’s comfortable even, but…” Jake averted his eyes to the ground as though it was the most interesting thing in the world, “but, sometimes being in the moment with the people you love makes you realise that, that old dome of yours was making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Jake’s eyes finally moved back to John, who was looking back at him carefully. “It’s not easy, and I’m certainly not telling you to rush in half-cocked, but… Once you take a dive, I bet my shiniest dime that you’ll come back a’floatin’.”

Slowly, he nodded his head, taking in what Jake had said.

“I…” John knew both Jake and Dirk weren’t wrong. He knew he was being silly, and childish and cowardly… But it _was_ comfortable. It was familiar, and he didn’t want anything else right now. “I think I’m going to head home now.” Jake’s smile wavered. Great. Another disappointed friend. Without uttering another word, Jake pulled John into a tight hug and bid him farewell.

John didn’t bother teleporting, he just went out the front door and made his way home. He felt terrible after ending on such a sour note with both Jake and Dirk. They had been really good to him over the past two months, and here John was like a massive sack of shit. Why couldn’t he be a decent friend for two seconds. It was a long while before he gave up walking and teleported back to his house. It seemed even quieter than he had left it somehow. He took out his phone and shot Dirk a quick message.

  **\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering timeusTestified [TT] --**

 **EB** : hey  
EB: i just wanted to say sorry about earlier. i didn’t what i said, i was just being an ass.

John waited, but no response came. Maybe Dirk was busy. He was probably putting Nacklemore down for a nap or something, Dirk never stayed annoyed with John for too long. He left the chat open just in case Dirk messaged him back. But when John checked the window the very next morning there was nothing. John felt a hole in his chest.

…

John stopped checking his messages for the next few days. If Dirk didn’t want to talk to him then that was fine. John wasn’t desperate, he could take a hint. He didn’t need either Dirk or Jake to have a good time, he was comfortable all by himself. In fact, that was how he preferred it.

All alone.

John kept himself huddled up by the fire. His cold must’ve had gotten worse, though he didn’t feel stuffy or feverish. He just felt bad. A persistent chill had wracked through his whole body, so he sat by the lit fireplace wrapped up in a duvet. His phone kept dinging off, which didn’t help his aching head. He logged off pesterchum to stop the annoying noise. He curled under his blankets, he was just so tired. The ground felt like it was spinning underneath him, making his malaise almost unbearable.

Sleep would help, he decided.

‘I’ll feel better after I sleep.’ At least that is what he told himself. Though very rarely did he feel better after sleep now a days.

­…

Though he didn’t feel better per se, he wasn’t worse. John decided to get some fresh air, and by fresh air he meant more cigarettes. He had to do a double take when he saw himself in the mirror. His skin was sickly and sweaty, there were bags under his eyes even though all he had been doing was sleeping. It wasn’t as though he looked great every day, but today especially he looked like a dead man walking. But something in John couldn’t bring himself to care. He put on his house slippers and zapped himself to the store he frequented.

He plucked some snacks from the shelves - he really didn’t feel like cooking – when his eyes fell on some booze stocked on the shelves. He recognised the liquor on the shelf, Roxy had recommended it to him once a couple of years ago as being a really sweet tasting booze. It wasn’t like John had never drank before, but he couldn’t stand the taste of some alcohols. On a whim, he took four bottles of the liquor and went to the cashier to pick up his cigarettes. It was the same troll girl as usual, who seemed how had gotten into the habit of taking out the cigarettes for him the moment he entered the store. John placed the other items on the counter.

“These too.” He grunted as he fished for his wallet.

The troll girl looked the selection with judging eyes.

“Can I see some ID.” John’s head lolled back in annoyance. Unintentionally, he gave her a dirty glare, which caused her to flinch back slightly.

“Do I need ID?” His voice was cold and much harsher than he had intended, but he didn’t have it in him to care. The troll muttered an apology before putting through the purchases and backing them for him. John took the bag and made his way out grumbling. John was on his last nerve, all her wanted to do was go home and smoke. There wasn’t a thing that could make his day any worse.

“John?” Oh hell. He turned around to see Kanaya of all people. She looked as radiant as she always did, dressed in a pretty dress that was probably of her own design. While John was a sickly, sweaty mass of flesh wearing sweatpants and a hoodie with many stains accumulated on them.

“Hi, Kanaya…” Oh God, the sound of his own voice was like nails on a chalk board.

“You look… Ghastly.”

“Tell me how you really feel.” He forced out a laugh. “I got a cold, so you should probably stay back, I don’t wanna get you sick.” He said putting a distance between them. In all honesty he didn’t care at all about making her sick, he just didn’t want her to get too close to him. The closer she got, the more she would see all his flaws.

“Oh, I see. Perhaps it’s something to do with you human’s weak biology, but Rose also is recovering from a bad ailment.” Rose. John could feel his heartbeat spike at the mere mention of her name.

“I-is she uh… is she nearby?” He looked over his shoulder as though she was going to appear.

“No. My Rose is back at home getting ready for tonight. I was just here to pick up some human confectionary, the Carapace Kingdom only has so much.” John let out a sigh of relief. He would die if he saw Rose stare at him the way Kanaya was.

“What’s tonight?”

“It’s Karkat’s wriggling day, I was under the impression Jake had mentioned it to you.” That was tonight? It couldn’t be, that was still a week away. How long had he locked himself a way for? They were all meeting today, which meant Kanaya would tell them she saw him. John watched Kanaya’s lips moved, but her voice was drowned out by the thoughts accumulating in his head. Kanaya was going to tell them all how awful he looked, how he didn’t even remember his friend’s birthday. A friend he’d been ignoring for months upon months now. They were all going to judge him, hate him, Dirk as well. Dirk already hated him for putting his foot in his mouth. And he had made Jake so dissapointed. Why was he such a terrible person?

He didn’t know when he started panting. His mouth filled with saliva, his body shook, and his hands felt cold and clammy. The ground felt like it was quaking underneath him. His vision only came together when Kanaya waved a hand in front of his face. The look on her face made John’s stomach turn.

“John? John, are you feeling well?”

He couldn’t find it in him to form any words. Before he knew it, he lurched forward and started dry heaving. Shocked, Kanaya took a step back from him.

“John are you…”

“Imma' vomit.” He managed. Before Kanaya could say anything else, John zapped himself back to his house. He landed unceremoniously on his kitchen floor, only managing to scramble up to his sink and hurl his breakfast up onto all the unwashed plates that laid there. Some even spilled over onto his jumper and down his clothes. He pukes until his throat feels sore. He doesn’t know why, but he crumbled down into a ball and started sobbing. He didn’t know why he was sobbing, all he knew was that he couldn’t stop. Everything hurt so bad.

John didn’t know how long he stayed there on the floor, but once he mustered the strength, he lugged himself up. John took one look at his vomit covered jumper, he whipped it off, knocking his glasses onto the floor in the process. He stumbled slightly, managing to step on his glasses thus breaking the flimsy frames.

John groaned. Why couldn’t this day just end already?

He left his jumper on the floor. He didn’t have it in him to clean himself up; no matter how gross he felt.

The bag of liquor and food he had been discarded on the floor of his kitchen. At least none of that shit broke. John rummaged through it for cigarettes, and took one of the bottles of liquor, popping it open and taking a swig. The taste of bile had been washed out his mouth, replaced with a sickeningly sweet taste. He made his way over to his couch and plopped down. This was all he had now. Just his home, his sorrows and the familiar pit in his stomach. The only things in his life that felt familiar to him, but even that familiarity was starting to feel second hand.

John jerked up out of his chair. He didn’t even know he had fallen asleep until he was met with another nightmare – this time, of his father dying over and over and over again. Saying he was pissed off at himself would be an understatement. He couldn’t catch a break. When he was awake he felt awful, in his sleep he was met with every single fear and insecurity he had about himself. He just couldn’t escape these feelings no matter how hard he tried. He wasn’t deserving of this second chance at life, not when everyone else had died.

Just then, his phone went off. Why was someone calling him? It was one of them! Kanaya had told them about how much of a wreck he was, she must’ve! Why was his phone so damn loud?! He couldn’t stand it. Without thinking, he threw it as hard as he could, breaking the device upon impact.

…

Night came, and John had barely left from his position on the couch.  He had only gotten up once to light the fire place and close the curtains. He had smoked almost half of half of his pack and made his way through two of the four bottles of liquor he had bought. The room had become lousy with smoke. He felt dizzy and full, but somehow still empty. His eyes weighed heavily, and he could feel them aching to be shut. But he was soon snapped out of his stupor when a large knock resounded from the front door. His heart leapt up into his throat, and he clutched the bottle of alcohol close to his chest. There was no way it wasn’t the guys. He wasn’t ready to face them all. Not like this.

With the grace of an elephant, John crept to his front door and peered through the peep hole. Though it was hard to see without his glasses, he could make out a familiar pair of triangular shades. It was Dirk. Only Dirk. What the hell was Dirk doing here? John fumbled to unlock the door before poking his head through the crack. Dirk had to take a step back as a wall of smoke wafted from out from the front door, hitting him like a tonne of bricks. The blonde let out some choked coughs.

“Hi.” John mumbled. “What're you doin’ here? Isn’t today _game night_ or wha'ever?”

“Yes, it was swell. You would’ve liked it.” Dirk said curtly. John gave a half-hearted shrug.

“Y’know… Now isn’t a good time. You should come back tomorrow or somethin’.” John made to slam the door shut, but Dirk stopped the with his foot. He forced the door open, which caused John to stumble back.

“Rude!” John slurred as he made his way inside. Dirk’s eyes honed on the empty booze bottles, which only confirmed his suspicions.

“You’re drunk.” He said plainly. John let out an indignant snort.

“I’m not drunk! Jus’ a lil’ buzzed.” He could feel Dirk roll his eyes behind his shades.

“Why haven’t you answered any of my messages. My calls?” John lifted a finger to the broken mass that was his phone. Dirk ran his tongue over his teeth.  “Dude, what is going on with you? You’re clearly not OK, even Kanaya…” Kanaya! She did tell them! John hurtled the bottle in his hand at the wall. “WHOA!”

“FUCKIN' KANAYA! Why can’t she keep her mouth shut for two seconds?! Always meddlin'. Y’know Vriska said she was a meddler? Years ago Vriska said that an' she was right! I bet she was talkin’ about how terrible I am, how awful a friend I am? Is that it? Is that wha' she said? I bet it was!” He was pacing back and forth, speaking hurriedly. “And y’know what? You don’t get to judge me either. Just cause I wanna have a drink on my own sometimes, is that such a fuckin’ crime?!” In his hysterics he had moved a little too much, and his stomach turned in an unnatural fashion. Soon he was puking on the floor, his legs gave out under him.

Dirk came to his side quick. He pulled John along to sit on the couch, rubbing circles on his back as John struggled to gain back his breath.

“I think you’re a little more than buzzed, dude.” John groaned, spitting a mouthful of spit and bile onto the floor. “And Kanaya didn’t tell us anything. Yes, she said she saw you, but she just said you looked under the weather. Everyone says get well soon.” John gulped, feeling a little calmer than before. There was a pause before Dirk continued, his voice stern. “John… They’re worried about you, and so am I. We all want to help you, and be there for you, but it’s hard when you shut us out."

Dirk waited for a reply, but none came. The blonde sighed.

“You’re just like Jake… He used to close off like this too. He thought that the only way to handle things was to close into himself, when taking two seconds to talk about what was bothering him could have spared us a whole lot of turmoil.” Finally, John spoke.

“What? You want me to jus' gather everyone an' tell 'em everything? All of the things?” He laughed a humourless laugh.

“No. You don’t have to tell everyone, you don’t even have to say anything to me. You can say it into the air for all I care, just say it!”

“You want me to say it?!” John challenged, but Dirk wasn’t backing down.

“Yes. Just say it, so you can confront whatever bullshit you’re going through. I want you to say it!” John shot to his feet abruptly, the motion almost made him fall back onto the couch, but he caught himself. He started pacing again.

“FINE! I’ll fuckin’ say it!” He felt his heart constrict in his chest as he went on. “I don’t wanna see anyone cause it reminds me of the game.” He said finally. Dirk watched him intensely. “it reminds me of all those years we all lost, 'nd all the people that died. It reminds me of all those dead bodies. When I look at Rose, all I see is her dying body in Roxy’s arms! And you know what? I wasn’t even sad when she died, I was sad Roxy was sad. I’ve just been numb to it all. “ John knew he was crying, but he didn’t have it in him to care at this point. “You know, I never even thought about Jon, or Emma, or Matt before you mentioned it like a month ago. Mrs.  Appleton - my homeroom teacher - was going to have a baby in the winter, she was so excited about it. And she’s dead too!”

He hiccuped as he sobbed messily. “And I’m supposed to pretend that that’s fine? I know I’m like the ‘happy, upbeat’ one, but how can I be happy when everyone I cared about didn’t make it? Everyone is so stoked to about Earth C ‘cause it’s a new beginning, but I don’t want a new beginning. I want to go back!” All of the feelings he had kept inside came gushing out at once. “And sure, I fixed everything, but everyone’s still dead. My life was ruined, and I’m supposed to be okay wit that?! _This_ is my happy ending? Well I’m not happy! Roxy had the right idea, I shoulda jus' let myself fade into non-existence along with the other John's. At least then I wouldn't feel this way! I couldn’t save my home, I couldn’t even same my own father, and no amount of bullshit magic can bring him back. He’s been dead for… for… six years?” Whatever hot air that filled John’s spirit had left, a tidal wave of exhaustion hit him hard. He flopped back down on the couch, his head rested in his hands.

“My dad’s been dead for six years and I’m still not over it… What is wrong with me?” His voice warbled. Dirk was quiet for a moment, before he placed his hand between John’s shoulder blades.

“Maybe you’re not ‘over it’ because you never got under it to begin with.”

“What?”

“Sometimes when something bad happens, people throw themselves into their work to ignore their pain. And then, when there’s nothing left to do, it all comes back to you… Maybe you just need to let yourself grieve, no matter how much it hurts.” John looked at Dirk, taking in what he said. “If your father were here, what would you say to him?” John forced his head out of his hands, sniffling he turned to Dirk.

“Um… “ He paused a moment thinking. There were so many things left unsaid between John and his father. Things he had never even thought about thinking about. Once composed, he started. “I… I w-would tell him I love him. A-and I miss him so, so much… I’d tell him I’m sorry for not showin’ him that more, and that I was sorry I let him die.” The tears came back full force, Dirk let him cry, his hand still rubbing circles on John’s back.

“It wasn’t your fault he died.” Dirk said finally. “You were a kid when you started SBURB. Nothing and no one could have prepared you for what it was going to put you though, and that’s not your fault.” John quietened down as Dirk he continued. “And if you father was anything like Jane’s, I know he wouldn’t blame you either. In fact, he’d be proud that you saved everyone. He’d be proud of you fighting so hard, and you know that.” John leaned into Dirk as he sobbed, and Dirk held him close. John couldn’t bring himself to be embarrassed by the way he was sobbing, he just was so relieved to be held by someone.

The two of them stayed like that for a long while, until John felt Dirk move to stand up. John clung onto him for dear life.

“P-please… Don’t go.” His voice was weak and raspy. Dirk pet his hair.

“I’m not going anywhere, but we need to get you cleaned up, okay?” John sniffled, before nodding his head slowly. He got up on wobbly legs using Dirk to support him, who ushered John upstairs. “You’ll feel better after you wash up, okay. You don’t even have to do too much, just wash up and brush your teeth, okay?”

“’M’kay.” John mumbled back. It took a moment for them to reach the bathroom, but when they did, Dirk ran John a bath. He guided John out of his clothes and into the tub, leaving his brief on to cover his modesty. Dirk took his time as he helped John bathed, making sure to shampoo the other boy’s hair and rid him of all the grim that had accumulated after days of neglect. John didn’t mind at all, it was nice having someone doing all the work. He was just so exhausted, he didn’t want Dirk to leave. Time became lost on John, it felt too soon that he was being helped out of the bath by Dirk.

“I’m going to go get you some food, okay? Just brush your teeth and dry yourself off, we’ll meet back in your room, alright?” John nodded his head, he didn’t want Dirk to leave him even for a moment, but he understood. He let Dirk leave before staring at himself in the mirror. He looked just as terrible as he felt, but at least he wasn’t covered in sweat and vomit anymore. John went to brush his teeth, but he didn’t go any longer than thirty seconds in total. But that was enough to rid his mouth of the tastes of bile and liquor. He hobbled over to his room groggily and changed into a shirt and boxers that didn’t smell well worn. His hair was still damp, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Eventually, Dirk came up to his room, a plate of food in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He placed them down on John’s bedside table before playing some quiet music on John’s computer. John picked up the plate, which was still warm. The food was only left overs from his fridge, but they didn’t look terribly appetising.

“C’mon, dude. You need to eat something, otherwise you’ll have a shitty hangover.” Grumbling, John went through as much food as he could get through. Dirk didn’t force him to eat more than he could handle, the blonde sat down beside John who immediately curled into him. Dirk put an arm around John who held onto him by the waist.

“M’sorry.” Dirk shushed him and raked his fingers through John’s hair. “’m really sorry.” John’s head felt fizzy and frazzled, all thoughts he had before melted away as Dirk worried his fingers through John’s dark locks.

“Just go to sleep, John.” He couldn’t be bothered to fight Dirk on this one. He was so tired, and he felt so comfortable for once. He didn’t even notice he had fallen asleep.

…

When his eyes cracked open, he was met with bright room. His head throbbed, and the room felt like it was swaying, albeit slowly. He was alone. Panic shot through him like a bullet. Dirk wasn’t there. Of course he wasn’t. After John’s crazy, drunken meltdown last night, who wouldn’t leave? John forced himself onto his legs, stumbling out of his room sluggishly. Just as he was about to call out Dirk’s name, John heard the sound of plates clinking together downstairs. Someone else was here? Thank God.

He made his way down the steps towards the kitchen, Dirk was there putting away dishes. Thinking about it, the place looked cleaner, and the smell of old vomit and smoke had been replaced with that of lemony bleach. A much welcomed change.

“D-di…” John coughed. His throat felt rough and raw. Dirk turned around to look at him. Though John couldn’t see his expression without his glasses, he knew it was gentle.

“Hi, John.” Dirk said softly. The blonde finished putting away the final dish before closing the distance between them. He laid a hand on John’s arm and gave it a weak squeeze. The simple gesture made John feel more grounded than he had all week. “I ordered some breakfast, it should be here soon. Why don’t you go brush your teeth and wash your face, then when it comes we can eat it in your room. Sound good?” John appreciated not having to think, he nodded his head before going back upstairs.

Though getting cleaned up didn’t take as much effort as it had last night, it still felt like a chore. But still, he managed to get his teeth brushed and face washed, by the time John made it back to his room, Dirk was already in there with a couple bags of McDonald’s, John didn’t even hear the delivery guy come, man, he must really be out of it. John settles beside Dirk, who hands him a takeaway cup of what smelt like hot chocolate. John happily gulped some down, half burning his tongue. Dirk passed him some food and the two ate silently. John wasn’t particularly hungry, but he did feel better after eating. The whole situation felt a little surreal in John’s opinion, he had gone pretty much his whole life keeping everything to his chest, yet last night, the dam broke and every messy thought in his head came out. All because of Dirk. What the hell, why should he stop now?

“I get them all the time…” He said finally.

“What?”

“Panic attacks. I lied before. I get them most days, nightmares too.” He kept his eyes trained on the cup of hot chocolate. “I just… Didn’t want you to think that I was… Y’know.” Dirk did know. John let out a bitter laugh. “That’s not normal is it?”

“No.”

“… I’m not okay, am I?”

“No.” That was exactly what John didn’t want to hear. He groaned scrubbing his palms against his eyes. John laid himself down and held Dirk by the waist, the same way he had done last night.

“Is this okay?” He mumbled into Dirk’s side. Soon he felt the other’s fingers in his hair, he finally understood why Jade liked it so much.

“It’s fine.” There was a quiet moment between the two. John squeezed Dirk tighter, biting his bottom lip.

“Dirk?” The blonde hummed for him to continue, “d-do you think… When next you go to therapy… You think I could maybe go with you?” Dirk’s fingers paused a moment before resuming their action.

“Of course you can, John.”

A weight felt lifted from John’s chest, it wasn’t long before he was fast asleep, still clinging to Dirk’s side.

…

**\-- golgothasTerror [GT] started pestering timeusTestified [TT] --**

**GT:** Strider! **  
** **GT** **:** You didn’t come home last night, is everything alright with johnno?

Dirk looked at John’s sleeping form. The poor guy looked tired, but his face held a certain ease that it had not had the night before. He didn’t know whether to attribute that to their little jam session, or whether it was because he wasn’t drunk. Either way, it was a start.

 **TT** : Yeah.  
**TT** : He wasn’t doing so hot last night, but I think he’s going to be okay.

 **GT** : :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is technically chapter 4.3, and I promise!!! it won't be so scatter brained, im still settin up the gay!


	6. Important Decisions (or Lack Thereof)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A whole lotta dialogue and a cheap 80s fashion scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Where have you been?" I hear the masses cry. 
> 
> "mind ya damn business" i holler back

John knew it was going to be a long day even before he woke up. Today was the day him and Dirk were going to therapy together. It had been four days since his drunken stupor, and Dirk – being the bro that he is – hadn’t left his side for one moment. It almost made John feel pathetic. Who was he kidding, he knew he was pathetic, but Dirk never made him feel so. Over the past few days John had been running on autopilot, luckily for him, Dirk didn’t mind doing the thinking for both of them. Even today Dirk had made sure to get John to brush his teeth, get dressed and eat breakfast before their appointment. John still hadn’t gotten new glasses, so they were going to go to the optometrist after their therapy session. He had forgotten how shitty his eyes were. Though his old glasses were way off prescription, he could still see through them… Sort of.

The two were walking towards the building, the sun was high in the sky and there wasn’t a cloud for miles. It really was a beautiful day. John was dragging his feet slightly.

“Don’t think I don’t see you moseying back there. Hurry up John, we’re gonna be late.” John groaned.

“I don’t wanna go any more.” He complained, Dirk stopped in his tracks and looked back at John, who was pouting.

“This was your idea in the first place, a good idea might I add. Also, this doubles as your thank you to me, however I still expect monetary compensation for cleaning up your vomit off of your _everything_.” John let out a second groan. He knew Dirk was right, but he was nervous. He wasn’t ready to have some know-it-all shrink psychoanalyse him. “I know being all vulnerable is mega scary and the hardest thing you can do, but once you get it out it’ll be so much better.” John side-eyed Dirk. “Okay, it gets a lot worse, but _then_ it gets better.” John scoffed.

“Fine! Mister Pushy-McPusherson. I’m not gonna bail, I’m just scared I’ll find out something bad about myself.” He said defeatedly. Dirk took him in and slunk an arm over John’s shoulder.

“You just might. But that’s okay, cause once you know what’s wrong, you can take steps to get better. And then it’ll be all worth it.” Sighing, John nodded. Dirk paused a moment looking off to the distance. “Would some hot chocolate sweeten the deal for ya’?” He nodded his head over to a café across the street, at least, John thought it was a café. He smiled and nodded.

…

Dirk had ended up getting four drinks. One for himself and John, and the others were for his therapist and the receptionist, a nice troll guy who smirked when he saw Dirk and John approach.

“Achsha, my dude.” Dirk greeted casually. The troll made grabby hands as though he knew the drink was for him. “One matcha green tea for one matcha green blood.”

“I am _jade_ blood, and that is lowkey racist.” Achsha replied as he took the cup from Dirk. The troll cast a look to John who shifted under the jade blood’s gaze. “Didn’t think you’d bring a plus one. Is this your first time?”

“Uhh… Yeah…” He mumbled.

“Don’t worry. Dr. Jones is really chill. She’s got a real lusus feel to her y’know?” John didn’t know whether there was any difference in the way trolls felt for their lusii compared to how humans felt for their parents, but he understood. He gave Achsha a small smile.  The troll picked up the phone on his desk and spoke to the person on the other side. “Dr. Jones is ready for you.”

John gulped, his hand squeezed the take-away cup of hot chocolate in his hands. As if sensing his apprehension, Dirk linked his arm with John’s walking him towards Dr. Jones office.

“It’ll be okay.” He reassured. John let out a laboured sigh.

“Okay…” He said finally. Dirk offered him a soft smile, before knocking on the door to Dr. Jones’ office. Of course Dirk didn’t just knock on the door like a normal person. He ended up banging away an elaborate beat on the door, accented by a flick on the glass. There was a beat before a voice resounded from the other side.

“Come in, Dirk.” John chuckled slightly as he watched Dirk opened the door, following closely behind him.

The room itself didn’t look like the kind of shrink offices he had seen in the movies. Though there was a couch, it wasn’t one of those curly ones you’d like down on. It seemed like a regular office space, with some filing cabinets, potted plants, a coffee table and hardwood desk. Sitting at the desk was a woman perhaps in her mid to late thirties from what John could make out. She stood up from her desk and made her way over to the two boys. John stiffened as she approached but her attention seemed laser focused on Dirk.. Dirk extended his hand with an untouched coffee cup in hand. She took it from him before taking a sip and humming contently.

“Chai latte? Dirk, I love you.” Somehow she had a thick Brooklyn accent. Seemed like no amount of species extinction could breed out the Brooklyn dialect. Now that she was closer, John could make out the motherly look she seemed to have, like the kind of woman you’d see in a hallmark Christmas movie.

“I treat my girls good.” Dirk offered his closed fist to the woman and she bumped it with her own. It was almost surprising to see how familiar they were with one another, but that probably was what happened when you visited someone regularly to tell them your entire life story. She turned her attention to John and smiled warmly. It was the kind of smile your friend’s mum would give you when meeting you for the first time. The kind of smile that made you feel welcome. He breathed out and smiled back, almost relaxing under her gaze.

“Hi there, I’m Jazz Jones.” She extended a hand his way, which he took robotically. “You can call me Jazz or Jones, I don’t mind.”

“O-okay, Dr. Jones.” He mumbled to her. “My name is John.”

“It’s nice to meet you John, Dirk’s told me about you.” John stiffened, his eyes shifting from her to Dirk and back again. She gave him a soft pat on his arm. “Loosen up.” She joked. “Some people think of therapy as something that’s done to them, like some kind of punishment, but it doesn’t have to be a bad experience unless you devote yourself to making it one.” She gave him a wink. He knew she was right, but that didn’t stop the pit in his stomach. John gripped his hot chocolate a little tighter.

She ushers the two of them to sit down on the couch while she made her way back to her desk, this time sitting on the wooden desk as opposed to the chair she has been sat at before. She took another sip of her coffee, taking a moment to savour it.

“So John,” John immediately snapped his head to face her at the mention of his name. “The way this usually works is that people start talking about whatever they want. Some people may choose to jump straight into what’s bothering them, and other’s just like to shoot the shit a little, or even ask for dating advice. You don’t have to force yourself to say or do anything you’re uncomfortable with and I won’t force you to either.” John nodded his head dumbly, part of him didn’t know whether she expected a response from him, and the rest of him was still reeling at the fact that she swore so casually. “If you want, you can just observe Dirk and I, and if you have anything you want to add or talk about you can just jump in. Is that okay?”

Oh yeah, Dirk.

He had almost forgotten Dirk was there with him. They were doing this together. The fact that the attention wouldn’t be solely on John made him feel a little better. John cast a look to Dirk who offered him a small smile. He looked back at Jones and nodded his head again.

That seemed to be enough for Jazz. She looked at Dirk.

“Dirk, are you comfortable talking openly in front of John?” The was a slight pause. For whatever reason the thought of John seeing him emotionally vulnerable hadn’t occurred to him when he was booking the appointment. But John needed this. “Dirk?”

“Yeah, I’m cool with it. Don’t worry Jazzy.” Jazz smiled, as did John.

“Now that that’s all sorted, how have you been Dirk?” Dirk placed his coffee on the small coffee table in front of him and John before rubbing his hands on his thighs as if to dry them off.

“I… I have been good.” He started after clearing his throat. “It was Karkat’s birthday the other day, which was pretty fun. Terezi sent a video from space of her chilling with Jasprose which was hilarious… Poor Nackles got into a fight with Enrique, I had to put my babies in timeout. Um, I’m damn near a pro at that song I was learning to play.” John quirked a brow. “The Ninja Storm theme song.”

John snorted out a laugh. “You’re such a nerd.”

“Don’t act like you’re not into it, Inuyasha boy.” Dirk teased, gave him a slight push at the shoulder and laughed.

“Okay, okay boys. Play nice.” Jazz cut in, hiding her smile behind her hand. “How have you been sleeping, Dirk?” She asked, her voice held a softness in it, John could almost feel the tone in the room change. He watched Dirk intently, who gripped at his thighs a little harder, his eyes cast to the cup on the table.

“Okay, I guess. Some nights are harder than others. But it’s been better than before.” Dirk’s head turned slightly in John’s direction. “I get bad dreams.” He clarified. “Mainly of my alternate selves from alternate timelines. My heart powers sort of connects us all together? I see the things they did, how they hurt others and manipulated people, how terrible they became. It’s one of the many reasons for my suicidal fantasies.” It was almost odd for John seeing Dirk like this. Sure John knew Dirk had issues, but hearing him talk about it made them feel much more real. Like Dirk was letting John see the darkest part of him. For a moment John wondered whether Dirk felt this way the other night.

“Have you been having any of those fantasies lately?” Jazz asked, to which Dirk offered a shrug.

“Sometimes, but its okay. I know I can’t kill myself cause of all the things I have to live for.”

“Which are?”

“Nacklemore obviously. And the other consorts of course, but Nacklemore is my fucking baby. There are my friends as well. I love them too much to do that to them.”

“And?”

“Uhh…” It was like watching a car stall.

“Don’t forget yourself Dirk.” Jones’ teased.

“Oh, well yeah of course I thought that was obvious.” Dirk crossed his arms over his chest. Jazz let out a chuckle.

“Your presence enriches the lives of those around you Dirk. Be kinder to yourself, I’ve told you this from day one.” She scolded, but her tone made it sound like she was just teasing him.

“Yeah, yeah I know. People love me cause I’m me, and I shouldn’t hold myself to ridiculous unreachable standards.” He droned.

“And?” Dirk let out a laboured sigh.

“And I’m not subconsciously manipulating people into liking me. They’re aware of my various faults but choose to love me because of them and not out of obligation.”

Jones held a finger to her ear and sang in a slightly higher voice “And~” Dirk threw his hands up, fed up.

“And I’m a good person who is deserving of love and happiness.”

John couldn’t help laughing slightly as the two went back and forth. It was like a mother nagging her teenage son.

“We go through this every single session.” Jazz says to John. “Sometimes people like Dirk need reminding they don’t need to earn their place on this world.” Dirk cut in.

“Hey. I think this is starting to breach doctor-patient confidentiality.” He pouted.

“Shut up, Dirk.”

John rested a hand on Dirk’s shoulder.

“You enrich my life, Dirk.” He said smiling. Dirk was still pouting but he murmured a quiet “Thanks” in return.

“See Dirk. Oh! Did you do the homework I asked you to do?” John quirked a brow,

“You have to do homework?” Dirk rolled his eyes.

“Every session I have to come up with three new things I like about myself, and they can’t be my hair, my face or my sweet ninja bod.” John let out a mock gasp.

“But those are your three best qualities!”

“I fucking know!”

“Well since Dirk is apparently nothing but a hot piece of ass, John can you think of three things you like about Dirk?” John pretended to stroke his imaginary beard while thinking.

“Nope.” He said popping the ‘P’. Dirk elbowed him in retaliation. “I’m just kidding of course.” John paused for a moment, genuinely trying to consolidate his thoughts. “I like… How caring you are. You love your friends even when they’re being unreasonable pricks. I like how funny you are as well! These last few months I’ve spent with you and Jake are the best I’ve had since we made Earth C. And you’re so smart and talented. Like, I’ve learned so much about coding from you and you build those cool robots. And I like that you’re trying so hard to be a good person! Even if your other selves were bad, all that means is that you know what not to be like. You’re the good Dirk, and that makes you special.”

A faint blush graced Dirk’s cheeks. He opened and closed his mouth as if he had something to say but he couldn’t find the words.

“That’s some gay shit, John.” John smiled and pushed Dirk at the shoulder, who merely chuckles. Jones watched the two, a smile of her own formed.

“Note that John mentioned things about who you are and not just ways in which you serve or convenience him.”

“Alright, alright. John has a major bro-boner – aka broner – over me, and I’m not as big a piece of shit as I think I am. Can we please move one?”

“Fine.” Jones’ eyes focused on John. “How are you John?” She asked, changing the subject. John was quick to seize up once Jazz addressed him. He cast a look to Dirk and then back to Jones.

“I mean… I’m okay right now… But, not all the time…” He mumbled, his hot chocolate was still in his hands, it still felt warm to the touch.

“Did you want to talk about it?” He looked at Dirk who nodded his head. “Dirk.” The two of them looked at Jones, whose face was set in a stern expression. “Don’t push him. John is perfectly capable of sharing what’s on his mind and pushing him before he’s ready won’t help him.” Dirk dipped his head slightly and muttered an apology.

“N-No! It’s okay. Sometimes I need someone to push me. I’m not good at making important decisions on my own, Dirk was just trying to help.” John felt his voice peter out as Jones scrutinising gaze fixed on him. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. What did you mean by ‘important decisions’?” He could just about make out that she was squinting at him.

“Decisions that matter?”

“Don’t all decisions matter? At least to some extent.” John rolled his eyes at her response.

“I mean, sure but… Not like day to day stuff, like what I want or dinner or something dumb like that. I mean serious decisions with like consequences and outcomes that effects things. Decisions like in the…” John cut himself off and stared down at his cup. He felt Dirk place a hand on his shoulder, the simple action made John feel grounded.

“Like in the game?” Dirk prompted.

“Yeah.” John replied quietly with a nod of his head.

“Do you want to talk about the game, John? I’m sensing it’s a sensitive subject.” Just as John’s about to look over to as if for permission Jazz cut in once again. “Don’t look at him. This is your decision John.” Suddenly John felt queasy, he gripped his cup tighter feeling the plastic cave slightly under his fingers. “John, I have a rule.” His eyes shifted to look at Jazz, her expression – though blurry - was unreadable. “If you have to force yourself to say something, then maybe you’re not ready to say it. I’ve seen people push themselves during a session and they come out of it more distressed than when they came in and I do not like that. If you want to tackle whatever’s on your mind another day, I will be here, that is always an option.”

John let out a shaky breath and bit the inside of his cheek. Maybe he wasn’t ready, maybe saving it for another day was the smartest option. He was suddenly hyper-aware of Dirk’s hand, which was still on his shoulder. Dirk had gone out of his way to organise this for John’s benefit, this was all for him and he was wasting everyone’s time.

“You don’t have to go on, John.” Dirk said as if reading John’s mind. “I’m so fuckin’ proud of you for getting this far. We can go home if you want.” He ran his tongue over his teeth, Dirk’s hand rested on top of John’s which had squeezed the cup so hard the lid started coming off. John closed his eyes and took a few steady breaths.

“I… I do want to… Um, do this. It’s just… There’s a lot of stuff I’ve been thinking about, and I’m kinda tired of feeling terrible all the time?” His eyes fell back on the cup. The hot chocolate was probably lukewarm now, or at the very least colder than his mouth. He finally placed the cup on the hot chocolate table beside Dirk’s. “I want to do this.” He said again, with slightly more conviction in his voice.

“Okay. If ever you start feeling overwhelmed just say so and we’ll stop. Okay?” John nodded his head. “Did you want to talk about the game?” He nodded again. “That game was the one you had to play to create this universe, right?” He quirked a brow.

“You know about that?”

“Dirk’s told me during previous sessions. I’m assuming the game is where you had to make those ‘important decisions’, am I right?” John let out a humourless laugh.

“Well… I never really had to. First Jade alluded to future events cause she could see the clouds on Skaia from Prospit. Then Terezi started meddling since she was technically from the future but could talk to us through any point in our timeline, and the there was Vriska. She pretty much orchestrated so much shit and threw us into the fire on that one. Then Rose got that crystal ball and started talking to demons or something and got me to excavate the tumour from the battlefield, then when everyone died _somehow_ it was Terezi who told me how to fix that shit. Even in the final battle, Vriska planned everything out. There was always someone else planning everything around me and then when that was all said and done someone put a hammer in my hands and said ‘go fuck shit up John’ and I did it.”

John sighed rubbing his temple as he thought back on the game.

“I was always just a tool y’know? I did the things. In the beginning I was supposed to be the leader, but I didn’t lead anything, I’m just the John that survived. Nothing I ever thought to do stuck, paradox space already planned everything out and just needed me to make those things happen.” He finished with a slight huff.

“That is a lot to unpack.” Jones said, John could tell she was trying to wrap her mind around what he had just told her. “Do you truly see yourself as nothing but a tool to make things happen?”

“… Yeah?” He leaned back slightly into the couch. “I mean, I was the only one who could do those things. If you exclude Jade, my powers have always been the most flexible and convenient I guess, then I gained my zappy powers and I became so unstuck from the rules of space-time that I could fumble my way through the void and be fine. Jade has first guardian powers _and_ sprite powers but even she is bound to the timeline. I’m like the only one who can move freely through all of existence.”

“You sound resentful of this.”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I mean… I get that someone has to be the hero and do the heavy lifting but… It always seems to fall on me. Like, everyone’s fates always ended up in my hands, and its so frustrating when I can’t save someone, and I’m left there thinking ‘where the hell did I go wrong’ or ‘what could I have changed’? I don’t have mind or seer powers, I don’t know what will happen to this timeline if I went back and tried to change things again. I don’t know how much paradox space will let me have before saying ‘fuck you’ and plunging us into a doomed timeline, and then I become just another John that failed.”

“Is there anyone in particular you would bring back?” Jones asked before taking a thoughtful sip from her cup.

“How about all of the people of Earth A who died needlessly to pave the way or the game to hard reset this stupid universe?” His voice was bitter.

“Of course, but is there anyone specifically that comes to mind?” John fell quiet.

“My dad…”

“What happened to him?”

“H-he died during the game… I didn’t see him die but… I saw his dead body.” His voice grew slightly weaker, thinking back moment on the battlefield.

“Do you remember what you thought or felt when you saw that?”

“I remember not thinking anything… I just remember seeing his and Rose’s mom’s dead bodies… Then Rose died too, but I brought her back. I couldn’t do that for them since they weren’t active players in the game, they didn’t have dream selves. They just had to stay dead I guess… Can we not talk about them anymore?”

“Of course.” Jones paused, as if she was giving him a moment to collect himself. “You said there were other John’s, right? One’s that ‘failed’?” he nodded “Were you connected to them the way Dirk was?” John’s nose wrinkled.

“Not really… I don’t think I was ever ‘connected’ to them, but I’m aware of them I guess. Something happens or in their timeline which will turns it into a doomed offset and then I come in and fix it.” John let out a slight snort. “Honestly it’s more like things happen in this timeline and then I go back into the past and fix it.” Jones quirked a brow.

“What happens to the other John’s?”

“Sometimes they die, other times… I don’t know. Paradox space takes care of it I guess. All I know is that I take their place. In spite of everything, I’m always the one who survives.”

“So you’ve never been replaced by an alternate John?”

“No. Not yet at least.”

“What’s that feel like being the one to do all of these things? Replacing yourself constantly to get a better end mustn’t be easy.”

“I don’t know. It’s mainly been exhausting. It was like, every time something happened I had to clean it up, like paradox space was trying to test my resolve or perseverance by constantly making me watch my life burn to hell over and over again in different ways. The game made me feel… Numb? Like, there was never time to take in how awful everything was and how hopeless it all seemed cause someone would come to me like ‘john you can fix this’ and that became my sole focus. But now that everything is all okay, a part of me wishes it wasn’t just so I could have a purpose or something. But, at the same time, if there was another threat, I don’t think I’d have it in me to fix everything again. Sometimes I wish that another John would come and replace me so that he could deal with all that shit and I’ll just stop existing.”

Jazz is quiet for a little too long, which made John think he shoved his foot in his mouth. He watched as her eyes flicked to the analogue clock on the wall and then back to him. Oh God. Was he wasting her time?

“John, I’m gonna ask you a question which may seem out of the blue but just role with me okay?”

“Okay?” He furrowed his brow.

“Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?” John almost jerks back at the question as though it slapped him in the face.

“What? No, of course not. Why would you ask that?” His tone was offended.

“It just sounds like you don’t wanna live anymore. I just need to know where your heads at so I can help you.”

“My head is _fine,_ and I don’t want to hurt myself.” He couldn’t think what the fuck she was talking about. He would never hurt himself.

“I understand this is a pretty… Personal question. Perhaps it would be easier if we spoke together in private?” Her eyes landed on Dirk, who for the most part had been quiet, listening intently as John spoke. John turned to face Dirk, who looked like he would be ready to leave the second John asked. But John didn’t want Dirk to leave. He needed him here. At least that’s how he felt. Without thinking, John gripped Dirk’s hand tight.

“Dirk stays.” Jazz’s lips formed a line, but she continued.

“You said you wanted another John to replace you right?”

“Yeah? So?” He challenged.

“Well, what do you think will happen to you? What happened to the other John’s you replaced? You said some died and you don’t even know where the other’s went, but they’re not here are they? “ She got up from where she had been sat on her desk and made her way over to the boys before sitting opposite them on the coffee table. She was a little too close for John’s liking. “Do you really think paradox space let them live off out there when they stopped being relevant to their respective universes? Do you think if another John replaced you would survive?”

“I… I don’t…”

“I’ll be honest John – and you won’t like what I have to say – but this sounds a lot like some convoluted suicide fantasy.”  John could practically feel his blood run cold.

“I don’t want to kill myself, _Dirk_ wants to kill himself, I don’t. “

“Suicide isn’t just about wanting to kill yourself. I can be insidious too. Wishing you’d go to sleep and never wake up, or wishing you had never been born, wanting someone to hurt you so you don’t have to hurt yourself. It’s all the same. It’s the same dissatisfaction with your life and who you are just manifested in a quieter way. You may not outwardly want to kill yourself like Dirk, but I don’t think you’re happy living,”

“Of course I’m not _happy_ , I wouldn’t be here if I was happy!” Dirk gripped at John’s shoulder pulling him back to lean against the couch. John didn’t even notice he had moved forward. Jazz merely looked sad. Not from John’s outburst but more so out of pity. John hated the expression on her face.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, John.” She said, her voice was much too calm. “Would like to talk about something else?”

John let out a groan, dragging his hands down his face. He was so fucking tired. Ignoring Jazz completely he turned his head slightly in Dirk’s direction but didn’t bother meeting the other’s gaze.

“I’m tired. Can we please go now?”

“Yeah, whatever you want.” Dirk’s voice had also taken a softness to it, which John would get real pissed off at in a hurry if he kept up. Jazz didn’t try to stop them as they got up to leave, but when they approached the door ‘\she called out to them

“John?” He turned around to look at her, “It was nice meeting you, and I would very much like to see you again sometime.” John couldn’t do this right now. He offered her a nod of the head smile with nothing behind it.

…

“How you holding up?” Dirk asked, his voice didn’t sound that same patronising way it had before, which made John feel a little less shitty.

“I feel sick.” He said bluntly. “And apparently I want to passively kill myself?” He tipped his head back scrubbing at his eyes. “I can’t even be mad either cause I think she might be right. I don’t want to exist any more, I do wish I hadn’t been born, or made or whatever! I hate this,” He gestured all around him. “I hate this dumb universe and I hate… Myself.” He cupped his head in his hands, his vision became blurred with tears.

“I understand.” Dirk peeled John’s hands away from his face. “It’ll be okay. It might not be anytime soon, but I promise it gets better.” John gave Dirk a shaky smile. Dirk wiped away some of the tear tracks staining John’s cheeks. “But dude, I am so goddamn proud of you. Even if you don’t go back, doing this kinda thing took a lot of guts.” Dirk left on of his hands cradle John’s cheek in true pap fashion. John leaned into it.

“I couldn’t have done this without you, and I am kinda glad I did this, but fuck if it isn’t overwhelming.” He let out a laugh that sounded a little bit bitter. “Dr. Jones was nice all things considered, and I would like to see her again but… I just need some time you know?”

Dirk nodded his head and opened his arms out for a hug, one which John so desperately needed. John sighed, squeezing Dirk like a life line.

“You still have your glasses appointment in a few hours, did you wanna reschedule? We can go back to your place and order shitty food if you want.” That did sound really nice, but he was getting tired of seeing everything at 144p. John shook his head against Dirk’s shoulder.

“Nooo~” He groaned. “If we go home now I don’t know when I’ll feel up to getting out again. I don’t need that right now.”

“Well, what do you need right now?”

“A distraction. I don’t care what it is.”

“How about we go to the mall? Do some window shopping or something?”

“Okay, that sounds good.”

…

The optometrist was pretty close the mall – which was a behemoth of a building. John hadn’t been to the mall in a long ass time, there were so many stores, God, the fast food stores smelt glorious. They perused some of the stores, it wasn’t until they made it to a particular clothing store that John perked up a bit. The clothes inside were bright and colourful, like something from ‘Saved by the Bell’. It was like someone regurgitated the 80’s and spat it back out into a department store. Objectively speaking, they were fucking ugly, in the same way Christmas sweaters were ugly. But John loved Christmas sweaters. He tugged Dirk by the sleeve.

“Let’s go in there.” He said pointing at the store. “I think I’m tired of the colour blue. I need a new look.” Dirk wrinkled his nose slightly.

“I think you need those new glasses sooner than I thought.” John rolled his eyes.

“Just come on!” he pulled Dirk into the store and began looking at all the clothes. He grabbed a bunch of different shirts and dashed to the changing rooms. Dirk jokingly put on ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ as John modelled for him, the ridiculous clothes. They were so bright and vibrant, they looked all looked like rejected designs for bus seat covers, but for whatever reason, John loved them. Seeing John smile and laugh as he tried on all those clothes was enough for Dirk to ignore how ugly they were.

John eyed himself in the long mirror. He was wearing a yellow button up shirt, the design looked like bright graffiti and paint splatters. His pants were navy blue and came with suspenders. He ruffled his hair trying to make it look less shitty. It had gotten much longer than John had ever had it in his life. Even the stubble on his face was more than he usually kept.

“You know, if you had a white wife-beater, you would totally be rockin’ the Nic Cage look right now.” Dirk chimed, teasingly.

“Oh shit. I might keep the faux-mullet after all.” He swished his hair, giving his reflection the 'smoulder'.

“You should dye it.” Dirk’s tone made it sound like he had been joking, but John gave himself another look in the mirror, raking his fingers through his hair again.

“You know… That actually sounds like a good idea. I’ve never done anything with my hair before, or my clothes for that matter. I’m so sick of looking at my same ol’ boring face, maybe a make over will make me feel better about myself. That’s totally how it works on T.V.” Dirk hummed in response.

“I’m no psychiatrist but having a crazy hair phase complete with body mods and a wardrobe change is a right of passage.” John smiled wide.

“Well let’s head off to the check out. I need me some light up shoes!”

…

The two were almost late to John’s eye appointment.

They ended up having to barrel into the optometrist armed to the teeth with shopping bags filled with John’s sweet new fashion, as well as some fried chicken in takeaway bags.  The receptionist looked at them with raised eyebrows.

The examination went off without a hitch, and oh boy was he blind as hell. The glasses themselves would need about a week to come in – much to John’s disappointment – all he had to do now was pick out frames. He looked at all the ones that were displayed, his instinct was to go for some plastic rectangular frames, similar to the ones he had been wearing for his entire life. But from the corner of his eye he saw a different set. The frames were made of thin golden metal. The rims were shaped like octagons which made him think of Vriska. Without thinking he put them on and leaned into the mirror before him.

Though the glasses were kind of odd, he liked the way the thin wiring opened up his face. The warm gold colour brought out the blue of his eyes. The nose pads could use some readjusting but all in all, he liked it. John turned to find Dirk looking over his shoulder.

“What do you think?” He asked. Dirk looked at him as though he was sizing him up.

“As a fan of inappropriately shaped glasses, you look great.” He smiled.

John bounced on his feet almost giddily. They handed them off to the assistant and paid for them.

“Did you want to go home now? I don’t think I can carry all these bags for much longer and I don’t feel like rapping to make it fit in my sylladex.” John chuckled.

“Can we go to your place instead?” Dirk seemed a little thrown by the response, but he was good at not showing it.

“Sure.”

By the time they made it to the Consort Kingdom, John was absolutely exhausted. He crashed on Dirk’s bed. He let out a sigh as he felt the weight leave him. Dirk joined him on the bed, happily munching on some of that chicken they had bought.

“Thank you for coming with me today, and helping me through… That.” He played with the blankets under his fingers. “I guess I should start thinking about this whole suicide thing, huh?” Dirk hummed.

“You can if you want. But, you shouldn’t force yourself. It’s a lot to process.” John chewed on his lip, repositioning himself so his feet were resting on Dirk's lap.

“Did you feel this weird after your first session?” Dirk laughed.

“Yeah, it was terrible, and I felt extremely called out."  He paused mid bite. "But once I thought about it for two seconds about it I realised Jazz was right and pretending she wasn’t was only hurting myself.” And that she was. That woman read John like a book and confirmed everything he was scared he'd find out about himself.

“What should I do?” Dirk was quiet for a moment, as if he was trying to formulate some elaborate and uplifting answer. Before huffing with a shrug.

“You do what you can, one day at a time.” He settled.

John let out what seemed like his millionth sigh of the day and closed his eyes. He stayed quiet for a long moment.

“Do you think I’d look cool with like, electric blue hair? Just the top of my hair, and the rest all black?”

Dirk quirked a brow and held up a finger as he swallowed his mouthful.

“I think, if you got an undercut. It’d look nice. Your hair is pretty curly so you wouldn’t have to style it too much.” John snorted.

“Can we go to the barbers or something after my glasses come?”

“Sure, maybe we can get rid of that pedo-stache you got goin’ on.” John stroked the fuzz on his upper lip.

“I am 100% keeping the stache.”

“I am no longer your friend.” John laughed and nudged Dirk with his foot.

“You know you like me too much to unfriend me.” John looked towards Dirk, who was looked back at him, his expression soft.

“Yeah… I guess I do.” He said with a slight smile. “Now shut up and eat your chicken.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school is out and exams are over so ya thimbo has time to update this fic. i wrote this all in one day please enjoy this nastay dump of a chapter. it hasn't been proof read and i refuse to proof read it.
> 
> ENJOY


	7. Progression & Regression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress is never linear
> 
> TW: Accidental Suicide & terrible coping habbits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I *was* going to split this chapter up into 2 chapters but fuck it. enjoy the goddamn whiplash experience. 
> 
> This chapter might as well be a fic on its own. pls dont hate me for going crazy i had too many ideas i needed to eject out my brain.

John couldn’t wait for his glasses came in, he missed being able to see clearly. Dirk would tease him about not being able to see shit and John would retaliate by flipping him off. He cursed those Strilondes and their perfect eyesight. It wasn’t so bad though. In the lead up to the long awaited glasses day, Dirk stayed by John’s side – much to John’s delight. They would lie in bed together watching movies, John’s head placed in Dirk’s lap. The only time they’d leave was for food or bathroom breaks. Sometimes they’d play video games to. Whenever Dirk’s phone went off, John would give him a look full of disappointment, and Dirk would pause, and put his phone away, making John’s smile return. But Dirk didn’t mind too much. John needed him now more than ever, Dave could wait.

The day John’s glasses came in couldn’t come soon enough. But when it did, John was practically bouncing off the walls. Of course Dirk accompanied him back to the optometrist to have them fitted and make sure they were okay. The assistant fiddled with the nose pads before placing them on his face. John had to blink a couple times to get his vision to stop blurring.

Holy fuck, he could see. Far better than he could with his old glasses. His gaze focused on Dirk. Even from where he was sitting he could see the freckles all over his face and arms.

“Good lord, is that what you look like?” John let out a mock gasp, the assistant let out a little chuckle.

“Fuck off you whore, or I’ll break those glasses.” Dirk said plainly, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Noooo~” John whined. He turned to look at the mirror beside him. He looked like straight garbage in a tacky Hawaiian shirt. “Fuck. That’s what _I_ look like?” He scratched at stubble on his chin. He really did have a pedo-stache. “Dirk, I look like a funky hobo.” The assistant fake coughed to hide their laughter.

“We can always go to a barbers dude. See if we can do a walk in and get you looking less like a divorced man who lost his soul in Vegas.” John chuckled.

“You’re all good to go.” The assistant said, handing him a bag with glasses cleaning spray and a case. John thanked the woman, and the two went off to find a nice hairdressers.

They went to a reasonably nice looking one, and being Gods meant they were able to be scheduled in real quickly. It was an experience in itself having someone shave him, the barber gave him a full facial which made his skin feel brand new. He looked at the fancy posters on the wall with people with their hair shaved in an undercut, the top of their hair longer than the back.  

“Hey,” The barber stopped for a moment. “You think you could cut my hair like that.” He said pointing to one of the posters. “And also dye it blue?”

“What kinda blue?”

“Electric.”

“I mean… Sure, but I’d have to bleach your hair a few passes first. That may take a while, few hours at least.” John pouted and looked at Dirk, who was sat in one of the chairs, dicking around on his phone. He didn’t want Dirk to wait, bored outta his mind for a few hours.

“Dirk, you can go if you want.” Dirk finally looked up acknowledging John. “I really want my hair dyed, but I don’t wanna make you wait that long doing nothing.” There was a pause between them.

“Okay.” Dirk stood up, agreeing much more quickly than John expected. Damn, was he really that bored? “I gotta go buy some shit anyway, I’ll be back in like two hours at the most.”

Two hours? John doesn’t even think they’ve spent two hours apart the last couple weeks. Wow. Dirk’s really been by his side this whole time. How didn’t he notice? John shook his head of the thought.

“Sure, see you!” John offered him a wave, to which Dirk mimicked before heading out the door. John watched him leave, biting the inside of his cheek when suddenly his attention was caught by the barber.

“So… Did you just want a standard cut or were you looking for anything in particular?” John leaned back in the chair. Today was a day for impulse decisions.

“Surprise me.”

…

John’s head snapped to the entrance as the door’s bell chimed. It was Dirk, he had come back about three hours later, just as the barber was brushing the stray strands of hair from his neck and shoulders. He had a shopping bag in his hand, and his eyes were glued down to his phone.

“Dirk, look!” John couldn’t contain the excitement in his voice.

Dirk stopped short as he looked at John, his lips parted. His hair was short around the sides and the back – not completely shaved – keeping its black colour, but on one side the barber had shaves the breath sign into his hair. The front and top of his hair was longer, but not too long, and it had been dyed and eye-catching bright blue. The barber had used gel and hairspray to keep it swept to one side. A style John knew he wasn’t going to maintain, but it looked nice all the same.

“Well?” He urged. “What do you think?”

“You lool like… A himbo.” John snorts as he pays the barber. “Don’t worry, it’s a compliment. No one can resist a good himbo.” John smiles and ruffles his hair as much as the hair gel would allow. “But, for real dude… You look, great.”

“Thank you! I love it, I look so different, its amazing! Those movies where the nerdy dude gets a makeover and becomes popular were right. I feel sexy as hell!” Dirk laughed into his sleeve.

“Well, I’m glad you have a self-esteem. This should make you even happier.” He held out the bag for John who looked inside.

“A phone?!” But that wasn’t all. “A Ghost Busters phone case!!” The thing was ungodly tacky, with a thick cartoonish slimmer on the front. John fucking loved it. He grabbed Dirk and pulled him into a bear hug. “Thank you so much!”

“It was nothing. I’ve been meaning to get one for you, but I never found the time.” John smiled at him again.

“Dirk, you’re the best. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  An expression John couldn’t quite place made its way onto Dirk’s face. Though he couldn’t tell, those words meant the world and more to Dirk.

“I know, I’m phenomenal.” Dirk tilted his head towards the exit of the barber shop. “Let’s get some food and set up your new phone. John practically skipped out the door as Dirk lead him out to a near by diner. All they got was a big platter of chilli-cheese fries to share and a soda for them each. John made sure Dirk popped one of his stomach pills beforehand – ain’t no way Dirk was gonna gas up this fine establishment – and the two started digging in. The fries were spicy, but not unbearably so.

 “So,” Dirk started as he scooped some cheese on a fry. “The makeover really makin’ you feel better about yourself?” John leaned back, playing with one of his fries.

“I know its superficial and stupid, but… I feel so new?” He looked into his reflection in the window. “I know I have a long way to go mentally, but for once… I’m not disgusted by my reflection.” He smiled at himself.

“That’s progress dude. I’m happy for you.” Dirk’s phone buzzed from inside his pocket. He took it out, glancing at the notification. He flashed one look at John who was staring back at him almost expectantly. His lips formed a line and Dirk put his phone away. John smiled.

“Who was that?” John tried and failed to hide the relief on his face.

“Dave. The dude is obsessed with me, can’t blame him.” John laughed.

“Well you are pretty cool for a nerd.” John popped the fry he had been playing with in his mouth “Now you can help me figure out this dang contraption.” He put on Jake’s silly accent. Dirk choked on his mouthful from laughing.

…

It was just after noon when Dirk and John made it back to the Consort Kingdom. Radical Steve was the first consort to see his new hair style and he seemed to liked judging by the ‘cool-bro’ head nod he gave John. Tavrosprite hated it, but John couldn’t give two shits what that tool thought. He wanted to see Jakes reaction, which – true to Jake English nature – was fucking hilarious. When Jake saw John’s new hair and glasses, he did a literal triple-take.

“Johnno, do my eyes deceive me?” He eyed John up and down. “Well shucks if you don’t look the bees-knees. It’s like looking at a brand new fellow.” He gushed. John flushed embarrassed at the praise.

“Aww, dude stop. You’re making me blush.”

“Look at you two nerds. I’d make a homoerotic joke if you weren’t technically father and son, but I’m not gonna give Freud’s ghost the satisfaction. You’re welcome.”

“What a merciful God you are.” John pretended to bow at Dirk, who took it in. Jake rolled his eyes, placing a hand on his hip.

“Well ‘O merciful God’, I’ve been receiving a few strongly worded messages from our resident shouty troll. You blew Dave off again?”

“I didn’t ‘blow Dave off’. Again, I would never let Freud have the satisfaction.” Jake pouted.

“You know what I mean. Karkat said they haven’t seen you in while, and I don’t have an excuse for you or anything.” Dirk’s lips twisted slightly. “Dirk, what’s been going on?”

“I… I’ve just been busy.” Oh no. This was all John’s fault, he felt a pit swell in his gut. “Look, I’ll call him later okay.” Just at that moment, Dirk’s phone went off, speak of the Devil. “Or… I’ll talk to him now.” He looked at John apologetically. “It’ll only be a minute.” John bit his bottom lip and nodded his head. And with that, Dirk walked out the room.

“This is all my fault.” He muttered. Jake turned to face him, an eyebrow raised. “Dirk’s been ditching them because of me.” He shook his head. He had barely noticed, but Dirk had been skipping out on a lot of things cause of him. He hadn’t gone for any of his runs, he barely worked on his robots unless John was right there with him. He hadn’t left John alone for one moment for those couple weeks, he didn’t even answer his phone. “I’ve been hogging him like I’m his only friend, I forced myself to be his priority and guilted him when he wasn’t focusing on me.” His brow creased. How could he be so selfish and not realise it? Or maybe it was just that he didn't care.

Just then, Dirk came back into the room, poorly answering back to what sounded like a one sided conversation.

“O-ok… I… Ye… Okay, Karkat. I’ll come over later, I promise. Okay… Tell him I love him… Bye.” He groaned pinching the bridge of his nose. He turned to face the other two. John tried hard to fix his expression. “John, Dave needs me…” His voice was rough, like this was the hardest thing he had to do. Oh God, he really felt bad about leaving him.

“It’s okay. Go be with your brother. I’ll bother Jake while your gone.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, besides I’ll call or text if I need you. I have the technology.” John tried to reassure him, but Dirk didn’t look too convinced. It took him a moment, and a few “shoo” noises from John before he took his leave. Whatever smile John had on his face turned into frown.

“Seems like your hair isn’t the only think that’s blue.” Jake cut in. John turned to face him. “Don’t beat yourself up too hard about it. Dirk would have done that for anybody.”

“But not anybody would make him feel bad for not paying attention to them. I did though.” John let you a shaky breath. This wasn’t fair to Dirk, he had other friends, other people in his life to care for. Dirk was such a great friend to him, John owed him that same courtesy. “I need to be able to be independent, Jake. I can’t keep relying on him, he deserves more than that.”

“Then, what do you want to do?” John was quiet for a long while, before he looked at Jake. A spark of determination lit behind his eyes.

“I think I know at least one thing I can start doing on my own.” He took out his new phone. It felt oddly heavy in his hands. “I need to make a call.”

…

John stood with sweaty palms, one hand hovering over a door. His legs felt like wet noodles. He closed his eyes and knocked on the door lightly. It was barely audible, even to him, but the person behind the door still heard it.

“Come in.” He could hear his heart thumping in his ears as he pushed the door open.

“Hello, Dr. Jones.” His voice was weak and trembly. “I brought you coffee.” He stretched out the cup of coffee in his hand, if the lid wasn’t on it, he would have surely spilt some. Jazz stood up from her desk and took precise steps towards him, she looked so different while he was wearing his glasses. She took the cup from his hands and slurped a sip from it.

“Chai latte. Well done.” It was odd praise, but praise nonetheless. “I must say I am surprised to see you again, especially looking so… Good. The new look suits you by the way.” She drawled.

“Yeah… Sorry about that. It's just hearing someone confirm all my fears… It was just too much for me at the time.” She gave an understanding nod.

“No Dirk today?”

“He’s hanging out with Nacklemore. I didn’t want him to come this time…” John wringed his hands together. “I think I should start making more important decisions on my own, so I’m starting here.” Jazz gave him a warm smile, something akin to pride in her eyes, which John basked in.

“Well… Where do you want to start?” John steadied his breathing, before moving to sit on the couch.

“c-can we talk about my dad?”

…

The session went better than John thought it would. Sure, there were many, many tears shed, but at the end of it all, he felt proud of himself. His first big step without Dirk holding his hand. It felt good. They had touched on many topics of John’s childhood. From his schooling, to his time in choir, all up until SBURB. Jazz had proposed he started doing more hobbies that he used to do before the game, as a way to regain some sense of normalcy in his life.

John didn’t have a set schedule to follow, he either hung out with Dirk and Jake, fought battle bots, or stayed alone watching anime or something. He was on his way home when he saw a random flyer for singing lessons. There was a nice troll – an indigo? – on the poster cover. His hair was wild and curly, and he was surrounded by people of all ages smiling they way people in ads smiled. One kid in particular looked all too familiar. John took a couple steps closer to the flyer… The kid looked like Matt, his old choir buddy. A wave of nostalgia hit him hard.

Without a second thought, he signed up for his first private lesson.

…

It had been nearly four weeks since John’s first therapy lesson. He had been having one session a week with Jazz, and honestly, he felt super good about himself. It was like his life was going through and upswing. His singing lessons with ‘ _The Great Gadius Melpom_ ’ were pretty fun too. Trolls had wicked crazy vocal ranges, but John wasn’t half bad himself. Even the Great Gadius praised him.

He hadn’t told Dirk about his choice to go to therapy yet, but he would. He became hyper aware of the time he spent with Dirk. He tried his best not to force his presence on him any more, though they still hung out.

Of course, there would be days were John was at his lowest. Sometimes he’d wake up with no energy, or he’d see an unanswered message from months ago and be filled with nothing but a sour taste in his mouth, he'd dilute with cigarette smoke. But he could deal with those alone, he didn’t need to bother Dirk with that stuff any more.

He could bother Jazz with that shit instead.

Speaking of, he was on his way to his forth session, making sure to stop at the coffee shop to pick up drinks for Jazz and Achsha. His phone went off in his pocket as he finished up ordering.

**timeusTestified [TT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB]**

**TT:** Sup dude. I just sewed Liv-Seb a sweet new outfit.  
 **TT** : Little homie looking cute as hell.   
**TT** : Wanna come round? Liv-Seb and Steve are having a dance off. This shit is amazing.

 **EB** : aww, my children!  
 **EB** : i cant come right now, i’ve got an appointment soon!

 **TT** : Oh word?   
**TT** : You dying? I guess you can’t die, huh.  
 **TT** : You got haemorrhoids?

 **EB** : ew, no. why does your mind go straight to haemorrhoids?  i know you’re gay but, do you think of other things besides butt stuff?

 **TT** : I think of penis sometime too. 

**EB** : lol, i’m not dying nor do i have haemorrhoids. i’m actually going to see dr. jones.

 **TT** :…  
 **TT** : Jazzy?

 **EB** : yep. and i’m going to be late, so ttyl!!

 **ectoBiologist [EB] Ceased pestering timeusTestified [TT** ]

John picked up the coffees and made his way to Jazz’s office, dropping off Achsha’s coffee in the process.

His session went on like it usually did. He got overwhelmed, cried a little before calming down. John told Jazz about his mood swings, how some days he’d be fine, and then something would set him off and he’d close into himself, maybe even have a panic attack. It all depended. On what? John had no clue.

“So these mood swings happen often?” Jazz asked, she was sat on a chair opposite John, who had taken to lying on the couch. He shrugged.

“Often enough I suppose? I feel like it’s a bit better since I started spending time with Dirk and Jake and taking more initiative in my life. Most days I feel in control, but then something will just ruin me, and I can’t pull myself back. Usually Dirk helps me with that.” Jazz bit at a pencil tip.

“What is it about those triggers that sets of such major episodes for you? From what you’ve told me, it always happens when you see someone from your past while you're at your worst.” John looked at the ceiling as he fiddled at the button on his shirt.

“Maybe cause… My dad always told me he was proud of me growing up?” He smiled at the memory. “Even the most mundane things. He’d leave little notes around the house like ‘You tied your shoes all on your own, I’m so proud of you’ or ‘You’re tall enough to reach the top of the fridge, I’m so proud’.” John let out a slight chuckle. “Never once did I feel like I disappointed him, or let him down… Not until I let him die. Maybe, that’s why I wanna make people proud of me so much? Cause if I disappoint them, then maybe I’d be disappointing him too… Even though he’s dead.” He looked at Jones as if for confirmation. She merely eyed him down before making an ‘I don’t know’ noise at the back of her throat.

“It’s possible.” John groaned into a cushion.

“This is what I’m paying you for Dr. Jones, please help me out here.” She leaned forward in her seat.

“John. First of all, you didn’t 'let your father die'. You were a goddamn child when you were forced through that, and nothing could have prepared you for it.” She made her way to sit on the arm of the couch. “Second of all, this desire to please and fear of disappointing others is very common in people who were considered smart or gifted children. You’re hardly the first person experience this.”

“Then what do I do? My dad’s dead, I can hardly talk to him about it and ask him if he’d be proud of me or whatever.”

“You don’t have to. Dirk once told me that his brother used him as a vehicle for getting rid of some strong feeling he had about his late brother. Perhaps using Jane’s father as a vehicle for your feelings would help you overcome them.”

“Would that really help? I don’t know how I’d feel airing myself out like that.”

“I’m just saying it’s an option.” John’s face curled. It probably would help, but he’d been ignoring Mr. Crocker for so long… 

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s fine. We can always figure out something else you want to try.” She paused a moment. “John. The way you describe your mood swings, concerns me. Would you perhaps be open to taking medications?” John sat up to look at Jazz, her expression was one of motherly concern. “Just something to help stabilise your moods. Would that be something you’d be willing to try?”

He bit at his lip, but thought back to what Dirk had told him.

_‘If taking one pill every day helps my brain work better, then I think that’s a fair trade.’_

“I…” He gave a slow nod of the head. “I think… I think I want to.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah… If it’ll help, even a little bit… Then I wanna try.” Jazz looked so happy, which made John feel better about the decision.

He could do this.

He wanted to do this.

…

He invited Dirk over later that night, making sure to cook him his famous mac’n’cheese. They watched some anime John couldn’t pronounce as they ate. The lit fireplace made the house unreasonable hot.

“So…” Dirk started, stirring the pasta in the bowl. “When did you start seeing Jazzy?” John perked up.

“Oh. Well today was my fourth session.”

“Cool.” The was another pregnant pause. “I would have gone with you, y’know. I would have been there if you had asked.”

“I know that, but that’s why I wanted to go alone.” Dirk turned to face him, his brow furrowed. “I needed to know I could do this on my own.” He bit his bottom lip. “I don’t wanna have to rely on you anymore. I need to be able to be independent. I shouldn’t have to need you… It’s hard, but I can do this.” John gave him a reassuring smile. He placed a hand on Dirk’s shoulder. “I can do this.” He repeated.

John couldn’t quiet place the expression on Dirk’s face, but it wasn’t happy.

“Cool.” He said flatly.

“Cool? Is that it?” He asked, his tone almost indignant. “I mean… I just thought you’d be more stoked, that I’m being all independent and stuff?” Dirk put on a small smile.

“I’m sorry. I am hella happy for you, John. I mean it.” His voice was soft with something John mistook for sincerity. But really, it was disappointment. “Now, tell me about your wicked as fuck therapy session with the jazz-master.” John smiled, perking up almost instantly, before launching into a long retelling of all of his sessions with Dr. Jones. Dirk rested his chin on his hand, while listening half-heartedly as John spoke. But one thing rang out through his head.

_‘I don’t need you.’_

Suddenly, the bowl in front of him didn’t look nearly as appetising.

…

It was coming towards the end of July when John summoned up the courage to talk to talk to Mister Crocker. He had dressed up in his nicest dress shirt and a neat pair or trousers. He brushed his hair over and over, it didn’t quite fall the way John wanted it to, but it would have to do.

He took his time walking to the Crocker residence. He had written what he wanted to say on palm cards, he needed to be prepared. His heart picked up when he saw Jane’s dad’s car in the drive way. That meant he was home for sure. This was a terrible idea, a horrible idea, the worst idea ever concocted in the history of forever. He stopped at their driveway. He could leave, he could turn away right now and no one would have to know. Absolutely no one would…

The front door swung open, revealing none other than mister Crocker himself, holding a couple of garbage bags. John seized up as Mister Crocker’s eyes fell on him. John held up one of his hands lamely in a pathetic excuse of a wave.

“Hello Mister Crocker…” His voice was weak. The man stared at home for a long moment, one of his brows slowly raising.

“…John?” He felt himself quaking under his not-father’s stare.

“Yeah… I got a haircut.” He chuckled slightly, fixing his hair. “M-may, I come in?”

“Yes, of course John. Just let me put these away.” Jane’s father dropped off the garbage bags into the trashcans before ushering John inside. The house looked exactly like it had when last John visited, besides a few more pictures of him and Jane together like the happy family they were. It almost made him sick.

“Would you like some coffee or cake?” Mister Crocker asked, pouring himself a cup.

“Yes please. To the coffee, not the cake.” He specified. Jane’s dad poured the coffee for John almost eagerly before sitting opposite him.

“You’re looking well, son. The hair suits you quite nicely.” John swallows hard, muttering a quiet thanks. God, he felt like a child. “So, to what do I owe this visit?” John shifted in his seat. At least the coffee mug gave him something to focus on. Why were his eyes getting so glassy? “John, is everything alright? You know you can talk to be, son.” John’s mouth twists.

“Please don’t call me that.” Mister Crocker quirked a brow.

“Pardon.” Screw the fucking palm cards.

“I’m sorry but… I hate it when you do that.”

“When I do what?”

“Act all fatherly towards me. Calling me ‘son’ like I’m yours. I always hated that.” John didn’t even notice the tears leave his eyes. “I know you’re just trying to be nice, but it reminds me so much of him. It makes me sick.” Mister Crocker’s face set into a hard frown, it made John’s chest ache to see.

“I… I’m sorry, John. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“No… Don’t be. It’s not your fault…” He kept his eyes trained on the mug in front of him, it was much easier than looking at Jane’s father. “I… I’ve been going to therapy.”

“That’s really good, John.”

“M-my therapist told me that maybe talking to you about my grief, over my dad and everything else might help me work through some stuff… That is, if that was okay with you…” He sniffed. Mister Crocker nodded his head.

“Whatever you need to say, yo can say it. I will listen.”

John took deep breaths, and then he spoke.

…

Dirk took what must’ve been his third shower that day, but he still felt unclean. He shucked on a baggy pair of sweats and an oversized sweater. Just at that moment, he felt someone come from behind and hug him tightly. Of course he knew it was John, Jake was too loud to catch Dirk off guard. John hugged him with more strength than necessary.

“What crawled up your ass and milked ya’ prostate?” He said coolly. John smiled so wide, his face hurt.

“Dirk, I talked to James! It was so amazing, and emotional, but then we talked it out and it felt so good afterwards. And then Jane came and fuck I missed her so much! I stuck around for dinner and it was like eating with family, it was so great Dirk!”

“James? You're on a first name basis with papa Crocker? Kudos, bro. Look at you climbing the echeladder of adulthood and such.” Dirk patted at the arm around him.

“And I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“What? Nah, dude that was all you.” John shook his head, finally letting Dirk go.

“No. I couldn’t have…” John turned Dirk around and looked him in the eye. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but… You inspire me.”

“What?” Dirk's brows furrowed.

“I mean, look at you. You’re constantly trying your best to be the best version of yourself and you just keep moving forward every day, and I’m so proud of you. I kinda look up to you. You make me wanna be better, not just for myself but for the others around me too.”

There was something in Dirk’s expression John couldn’t quiet place. He looked taken aback by the praise, but not necessarily in a good way. He looked, hurt? John couldn’t much on it as he noticed a mark on Dirk’s neck.

“Is that a bite mark?” Dirk stiffened, he hiked up the sweater higher. “Did you hook up with someone?” He teased, but Dirk wasn’t having it.

“John, its nothing. Forget about it.”

“Why? Was he bad?”

“I said cut it out.” Dirk raised his voice, he never raised his voice.

“Okay… I’m sorry.” Dirk rubbed at his temple. “Did he hurt you?”

“John, I am really tired right now, and I don’t feel like talking about that. I kinda just wanna sleep.” John was silent for a moment.

“D-Did you want me to go?” Dirk looked like he was thinking about it really hard. Weighing the proposition out in his mind. He looked at John, his expression hard.

“Do you mind?” Wow. John didn’t expect him to actually turn him away. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. But he decided to save face and gave Dirk an unconvincing smile.

“Of course not. But if you ever wanna talk about it, I’m here for you.” He placed a hand on Dirk’s shoulder, giving it an affectionate squeeze. Dirk seemed to appreciate the gesture.

“I’ll text you.”

“Okay. See you later.” And with that John zapped himself home feeling more rejected than ever. But it was fine. John wasn’t entitled to all of Dirk’s time, he couldn’t force himself on Dirk anymore. That’s not what good friends do. He could wait until Dirk was ready to hang out again. He could do that.

A day went by with no word from Dirk, but that was fine, it was only a day.

Another two came and went – John finally got started on his antidepressant. He immediately texted Dirk about it, but his chumhandle was idle. But it was fine, Dirk could celebrate this milestone with him later. John fiddled with the box.

_‘Take ONE tablet when required’_

Sounded easy enough. ‘I can do this.’ He thought to himself as he popped his first pill.

…

Seven days.

It has been seven days since John had spoken to Dirk. Each day John would stare at his phone confused. Why wasn’t Dirk answering his messages any more? Why didn’t he call? It’s not like John hadn’t been texting him back. He had shot him a few messages saying, “hey how’s it going?” or “did you wanna come over?”, but each time Dirk’s handle went idle. Every single fucking time. What was he doing?

Not wanting to spam Dirk with too many messages, he gave up and texted Jake. He balanced the cigarette he was smoking between his teeth as he typed.

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  –**

**EB** : hey jake.

 **GT** : Whats new pussycat?

 **EB** : god i hate that song.  
 **EB** : i just had a question.

 **GT** : Egads, well don’t leave a fella in suspense.  
 **GT** : Fire away.

 **EB** : is everything okay with dirk? he hasn’t been answering any of my messages, i’m a little worried.

 **GT** : Oh?  
 **GT** : He’s been fine to my knowledge. just dicking around with his robots, watching those animations of his. the usual.  
 **GT** : I don’t know why he wouldn’t be answering, hes been glued to his phone when not tinkering around. i assumed he was speaking with you.  
 **GT** : But shucks, i’ll be sure to tell the man to answer you and apologise for making you worry.

John’s jaw popped from the tension he was putting on it. There was no way Dirk wouldn’t have seen his messages if what Jake said had been true. Hell, even his shades were wired to notify him when he had a message. He was just ignoring John.

 **GT** : John? did you want to come over?

 **EB** : nah, its cool. but I’ll be sure to drop by sometime soon okay?

 **GT** : Alright. tata!

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  –**

He let his phone slip out his hand onto the bed. Dirk was ignoring him. No. Dirk wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t. He just needed more time alone, and that was fine.

John reached over to his bedside table and popped two more pills.

…

Another week goes by, and John was convinced he had done something wrong. He must have, he upset Dirk and now he didn’t want to be his friend anymore and now he hates him. Everything was going so well, he couldn’t figure out for the life of him where he went wrong. He had been taking more and more of his pills, but it was okay. He could take them when he needed them. So what if he was taking four at a time, it was okay. He missed his singing lesson but couldn’t bring himself to care. He just wanted to be alone.

It was August 10th by now. There was something about that date, but John couldn’t pinpoint what it was. He looked at the calendar on his phone and he just couldn’t figure it out. His stomach let out an ugly growl, fuck, when was the last time he ate? He forgot to brush his teeth that morning – and the morning before that – but that was okay. His teeth could wait, he needed food. Cooking always soothed him. He pulled out a bunch of ingredients in a robotic fashion.

Eggs, flour, both self-raising and plain, butter, milk, caster sugar and some salt. All the things to make a nice cake.

A cake?

Oh.

He suddenly remembered, why August 10th mattered so much. It was his father’s birthday. Dad always made a simple sponge cake for his own birthday, the year before SBURB, John had made one for him all by himself, and his dad almost cried. He had been so proud of his son.

He stumbled into a chair and sat down. His home felt cold and quiet. Why was he still so miserable? Even with the therapy, even with the pills, even with the stupid hair and stupid clothes, he still felt the same. John grabbed the box of pills popping the remaining ones out of the blister pack. They were supposed to make him feel better, why wasn’t he better? How the fuck many did he need to take before they fixed his stupid head? John cupped the pills in his hands, guzzling them dry, completely ignoring the part of his head telling him he shouldn’t do it.

It didn’t take long for him to feel off.

His vision went fuzzy, and his skin cold and sweaty. Everything went stiff, but everything was twitching against his control. His heart sounded so loud in his head, fuck his chest hurt. He tried getting up out his seat but he collapsed onto the floor, his body quaking. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to be better. His sight blurred into blackness.

And then he woke up.

He was still on the floor, his face covered in sweat, tears and saliva. He looked at the empty pillbox. He overdosed. He killed himself. John coiled into a ball, hugging his knees to his chest. Feelings of shame and loneliness filled him. He thought he was getting better. He didn’t want to be alone anymore.

John fished for his phone, even if Dirk hated him, he needed someone. He hit the call button, but it went straight to voicemail.

“H-Hey…” He started, not even bothering to hide the fact that he was crying. “I… I kn-know it’s been a while but… C-Can you please come over? I… I don’t wanna be alone right now.” He hated how broken his voice sounded. He ended the call with no hope that Dirk would answer, but not one minute later, his phone went off. It was Dirk? Of course he answered it, holding the phone to his ear. “Hello?” His voice was desperate. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to bother you…” He sniffled.

“Are you okay?” It was good to hear his voice again.

“N-Not really…” John laughed, that was an under-statement. “Can you please come over? I need you.” There was a beat of silence where John thought Dirk was going to say no, but he didn’t.

“Yeah… I’ll be there soon.” And with that, he hung up. It was relieving to know Dirk was on his way, but once that relief subsided, John was filled with anger. Was Dirk really going to show up like he hadn’t been gone for all that time. He knew full well what John was going through, how could he leave like that?

John wasn’t keeping track of how long it took Dirk to get there, but he managed to get through five cigarettes before he heard a knock on his front door. He put out what was left of cigarette No.6 on the couch arm before moving to the door. John pretty much threw open the door, and lo & behold, Dirk was standing there the way he always did. He took one look at John’s puffy, blood-shot eyes and dishevelled hair.

“What happened?”

“It’s my dad’s birthday.” He said simply. “I think I told you about it maybe last week? Didn’t you see my message?” His throat hurt and sounded scratchy. Dirk bit at his bottom lip, his eyes cast to the ground.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a little distant.” John laughed, but there was no humour behind it.

“A little distant? A _little distant_?! You said you’d message me, and you never did. Were you too busy hanging out with your new boy-toy?” Dirk stiffened. “No. I don’t think that’s it. I feel like you would have told me if that was the case.” Dirk said nothing, and John broke down. “I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I mean, I’ve obviously done something to upset you or hurt you and now you don’t wanna be around me, but I can’t figure out what I did wrong, but whatever it is I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry, Dirk.” Dirk stood still, his brow furrowed, and his lips set in a frown. He looked guilty. He rubbed one of John’s arms in a gesture that was meant to be comforting. It wasn't.

“John… You didn’t do anything wrong…”

“They why have you been ignoring me?!” He cut in. Dirk detached himself from John and started pacing in John’s living room. “Dirk, please. Just tell me.” Dirk ruffled his hands through his hair, ruining its shape. He gave John the most anguished expression John had ever seen him make.

“I thought it’d be better for you if I stayed away.” John’s brow wrinkled in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” Dirk shook his head, but John gripped onto him. “Please Dirk, talk to me.” He pleaded.

Dirk had never been one to express outward emotion, but for the first time, John saw him fall apart. His lip quivered, and he let out a haggard breath.

“Okay.” He said finally. “But… I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad, or guilty or anything. This is a ‘me’ problem, you really didn’t do anything wrong.”

“…Okay?” John had no clue where he was going with this, but he let him continue.

“You know how shitty my mental state is, right? Even with the meds, and the therapy, it’s still not great sometimes…” He crossed his arms over his chest like he was protecting himself. “I have this problem where I need to feel wanted. I’m clingy. I crave constant attention and when I get it I fucking adore it… So when you came round, all helpless and broken, just desperate for someone to be there for you and take care of you… I loved it. “ His voice became thick and warbled. “I loved it so much. You constantly relying on me to help you, being dependent on me… I needed it… S-So when you came around and said you didn’t want to need me anymore… It was like I lost my purpose again.”

“Dirk…”

“But that isn’t it…” Dirk paused to swipe a tear from under his shades. “I can’t stress enough how happy I and proud of you I am, I need you to know that I want you to heal so goddamn bad, cause I know first hand how terrible this all feels… But… This awful, _toxic_ part of me wishes you wouldn’t get better so that you would always need me. And I know that’s a disgusting thing to want, and that’s part of why I kept my distance, cause I didn’t want to do something that would hurt you.”

“What was the other reason?” Dirk’s hand came to his neck, he rubbed at it furiously like he was trying to clean something off it.

“Before I started seeing Jazz… One of the many ways I’d cope was to sleep around with random men. They were never nice guys either, but I thought if I pretended hard enough, it was like they loved me. Even when they’d hurt me. I’d keep coming back so I could feel wanted or whatever. So when you said you didn’t want me, my instinct was to find someone who did and then…” He gave a vague gesture to the bite mark on his neck; it was still there.

“I fell off the wagon, and if that wasn’t enough, you came in and told me all this shit about how you were proud of me for moving forward, and how I inspired you… But I went back to whoring myself out to the nearest guy just cause my desperate self couldn’t handle the thought of you not holding onto me like a crutch.” More tears fell behind Dirk’s shades, cascading down his cheeks.

“You looked up to me and… I just couldn’t face you knowing I let you down…” Dirk put his head in his hand.

John was silent. He didn’t know what to say. All this time, he had thought it had been his fault, that he did something wrong. He never once considered Dirk was fighting his own inner demons. John peeled Dirk’s hands from his face and wiped his tears.

“It’s okay.” He started. “You’re not the only one who gets bad thoughts like that.” Dirk looked at him. “The only reason I started doing things on my own was because I was being toxic to you to.”

“What? No you weren’t.”

“Dirk, please… I forced myself to be your priority. All those times were your phone would go off and I’d guilt you into ignoring it so you could stay with me. You didn’t go running, you didn’t talk to anyone but me, you barely even saw Nacklemore and he’s like your kid. I made myself your priority, and I did it on purpose cause I didn’t want to share you.”

“John, you just needed me.”

“No… I wanted you. And I expected you to put me first, which wasn’t fair to you. I was being a bad friend.” John looked Dirk in the eyes. “I think… Even though you felt that way, I know you would never hurt me like that.” Dirk bit at his lip. “You’ve been a great, and patient friend to me… But there will come a day where I won’t need you to remind me to brush my teeth, or wipe my ass or whatever, but that doesn’t mean I won’t need you in my life. I didn’t start hanging out with you because I thought you could fix my suppressed mental issues.”

John cradled a hand to Dirk’s cheek.

“I hung around you cause you’re a stupid, crazy, amazing person. Even if you didn’t realise I was going through all those issues, I’d still want to spend time with you. I want to be with you.”

“And I’m not disappointed in you for slipping up. I know that this can be hard…” his eyes drifted to empty pill box discarded on the kitchen floor. “Y-You’re going to go through relapses sometimes, and no matter how many times they happen, I will never be disappointed in you for them. I will be right there, in your corner… You don’t have to shut me out.” Dirk let out a sob before crumbling into John’s arms, who held him close. He tried to steady his breath, mumbling apologies into the crook of John’s shoulder. “We can rely on each other to get better. We don't have to be alone amymore.” Dirk nodded, gripping onto John for dear life.

And they could.

It would be slow, but it that was fine.

...

They had fallen asleep together on the couch, Dirk laying on top of John in a fashion he had dubbed 'gay as shit', but neither of them truely minded. John had woken up before Dirk, memories of last night flooding into his head like a bad hangover.

Dirk had discarded his shades so that they wouldn't poke John's chest, which made John realise he had never seen him without those stupid things. Without his shades, all of Dirk's dark circles and blemishes were out in the open.

His stomach grumbled, he never did eat dinner last night.

He could always get up and make breakfast. From where he was lying, he could still see the empty box of pills on the floor. He should clean that up too, Dirk didn't need to see that. He shifted slightly under Dirk's weight, who shifted in response cuddling into him. John decided he could wait to make breakfast. Right now, he just wanted to count the freckles on Dirk's face. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, a scatter brained ass chapter. What even is pacing? 
> 
> also for those pharm enthusiasts, the lable on johns pills was a dispensing error, dont ever take anti-depressants willy nilly!!
> 
> remember to comment. i need it


	8. Team Bad Coping Mechanisms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk gets a new tattoo and John contemplates dating. That's really all there is to say on the matter.
> 
> Featuring Mallek Adalov from Friendsim cause i fucking love him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to get this chapter out sooner but I accidentally deleted it before and lost the will to live for a while but here she is anyhow.

John finally got out of bed, or out of couch in this case and got to work cleaning his mess. He used the cake ingredients he had left out and made omelettes instead – making sure to add tomatoes, cheese and onions so they wouldn’t be too bland -  as well as some scones to put jam on. Dirk finally stirred by the time he had finished cooking and stretched out on the couch. John plopped down a mug off freshly brewed coffee on the coffee table as Dirk pawed around for his shades, his eyes squished shut. John let out a slight chuckle. He picked up Dirk’s shades, which had fallen onto the floor during the night before lightly hitting Dirk with them until he grabbed them from John.

“You know, it’d probably be easier to do find those with your eyes open.” John heckled. Dirk wiped the excess drool from the corner of his mouth.

“And let you see my gorgeous peepers? Hell no. You’ve already seen me at my most vulnerable. If you see me without my shades to, we’ll have no choice but to get married, John.” John let out a mock gasp.

“Oh God, a fate worse than death.” Dirk ripped the cushion from the couch and hit John with it. “I’m just kidding, you’d be my first choice for a husband. Now come on _pookie_ , I made breakfast.” Dirk snorted out a laugh and sipped coffee.

“Okay, snookums.”

…

Neither of them truly spoke about the night before, but there was definitely a change in their relationship. Though they still goofed off the way they usually did, they were also more tender towards one another. There were more moments where Dirk would come hug John from behind while he was cooking. He wouldn’t say a word, nor would John fully acknowledge it, but he’d let it happen, and maybe hold Dirk back if he could.

Snuggling had become a new habit of theirs. In all fairness, it’s not like they never snuggled in the past, but they definitely started doing it more since that night. When Dirk practiced his guitar, John would lightly sing to what he was playing. Even if John didn't know the words entirely, he'd still hum along.

Often when they watched animes or some other movie, Dirk would rest his head on John’s shoulder, who intern would place an arm around him. They would lie down in front of the television, legs intertwined, just hugging each other. Again, no words would be said, then again, no words needed to be said. Other times, one of them would crawl into bed, against the other slipping an arm around their waist before falling asleep. Most sleepovers spent together ended up with the two of them spooning. Dirk would never admit to loving being the little spoon, though he totally did. If one of them woke up from a nightmare, the other would hold them, pet the other’s hair until they were calm once more. It was cosy.

If Jake had noticed their increased cuddling, he didn’t mention it. Though John did notice the way Jake stole glances at them as they were curled into each other. He was glad Jake didn’t have any questions, how was he supposed to say ‘we stayed up all night crying in each other’s arms due to a major depressive episode and now we’re each other’s emotional support cuddle buddy’ in a concise manner? He’d rather not bother with any of that shit. Instead, all he wanted to do was snuggle up with Dirk.

Speaking of Dirk, he became noticeably less guarded. Ever since that night, Dirk seemed to laugh more at John stupid antics. He was much more quicker to smile in front of John. Even with the shades, John could tell it was a smile that reached his eyes. That was the smile John lived for.

…

Though John didn’t tell Dirk about his… Oopsie, He did end up telling Jazz at their next session, who – for lack of a better term – went apeshit. Though he received what could only be described as a ‘motherly ass chewing’, she also gave his pharmacy a call and cursed the shit out of them too. Apparently he was supposed to take them _‘once daily_ ’ not ‘ _when required_ ’. It took some convincing for her to give him a new prescription for his medications, but this time she had him signed up for a thing called ‘staged supply’ at the pharmacy her wife owned. Each week John would get a few tablets of his medication, enough to last him the week but not enough for him to overdose on. It was kind irritating the thought of having to go into the pharmacy each week for his medications, but he knew he couldn’t complain too much.

When Dirk asked him about it, naturally John lied through his teeth.

“I just have a problem with remembering to take them, Dr. Jones thought this would be easier for me.” He gave Dirk an unconvincing smile, to which he took at face value. He felt bad lying to his friend, but he seriously couldn’t deal with him knowing the truth, not when everything else was starting to go so well.

John also tried to quit smoking. He needed to if he was going to commit to his medication, which he was trying to do. He had started taking nicotine patches and nicotine gum to get his daily fix. When he had expressed to Jazz he liked the smell of smoke, she told him to buy candles, her tone was half-joking, half-serious. John ended up buying about a dozen different candles; God, why were they so expensive? His favourite was the coffee scented one. Sure quitting cold turkey wasn’t easy, but he had the support of Dirk, Jazz and Jake so it wasn’t too bad. Even James had made sure to get rid of his cigars when John told him he was gonna quite smoking out of solidarity. And he appreciated them all.

…

John swung Vrillyhoo at the robot charging towards him, the impact sent the bag of bolts flying off the roof. Who needed the gym when you had death robots. Jake was passed out on the floor after being cold-clocked by one of the bots leaving John to clean up the rest of the drones. He gave a lazy swing of his hammer looking at all the robo-rubble. He heard a whole lot of naking coming from down below. He looked over the edge of the roof and saw Dirk, he was back from his run, making it rain fruit snacks for the little consorts who happily accepted the treats. John floated down the to him, sweat dripping off his body.

“Howdy partner.” He called out to Dirk, who intern offered a two finger salute.

“Howdy cowboy.” Dirk looked him up and down before tossing him a fruit snack. “You need a towel… A shower, and then a towel.” John rolled his eyes. He pealed the wrapper off the snack and started eating

“I’m gonna steal some clothes.”

“Nothing I own will fit you.”

“Don’t you worry, I’ll make them fit.” John gave him a wink as he rushed upstairs before Dirk could say anything else. True to his word, he managed to squeeze into some sweats and a t-shirt. Sure it might have ripped in some odd places, but it wasn’t noticeable enough for John to be too worried about.

When John had finished up, he found Dirk he was sat in the living room doodling in a note book. He snuck up behind him, his finger slick with saliva ready to give poor unsuspecting Dirk a wet willy. Unfortunately John didn’t count for Dirk’s shirt to rip once more as he tried to creep towards his soon to be victim.

“I told you your fat ass wouldn't fit into my shit, you bastard.” Dirk cast a look over his shoulder to John, who did his best to look innocent wiping his finger on the sweats. “You owe me a new shirt, dick-nips.” John rolled his eyes and settled himself beside Dirk. “Where’s Jake?”

“He’s passed out on the roof. A robot fucked his shit in.”

“And you just left him on the roof?” Dirk tutted in faux disappointment. “Was it funny?”

“It was hilarious.” John chuckled replaying the memory in head. “I wish I had caught it on video or something, it was like something from a Tom & Jerry skit, it was amazing.” He wiped a tear starting to build in his eye.

“Damn, I’m jealous I wasn’t here for it.”

“You should be,” John looked over Dirk’s shoulder into the note book, all the sketches inside it. “Hey, what are you drawing?”

“Doing some drafts of a new tattoo I’m thinking about getting.” John made an ‘ooo’ sound, “Maybe you could help me design it?” He asked,

“Sure! What kind of tattoo were you going for?” Dirk handed off the book to John so he could look, it was filled with either his breath sign, or the slimmer he used to wear on his old shirt. John quirked a brow.

“Okay, so I like to do this thing where I get tattoos of things that either remind me of my friends or represent them in some way. I have a hello kitty for Roxy, an octopus for Rose, Hella Jeff for my bro etcetera.”

“And Rainbow Dash?”

“Fuck off. Rainbow Dash is my homegirl, you know very well how much I love her, and I will stay by my decision to stan a gay legend.” John rolled his eyes. “Any-fucking-way, I was checking out my hot bod, and I realised I don’t have a tattoo that makes me think of you.” John placed a hand over his chest.

“Aww! That’s really sweet actually.” John wrapped his arms around Dirk, he could kiss him.

“Don’t get too much of a fat head over it. Are you gonna help me design it or not?”

“Okay, okay!” John picked up a stray pencil and got to work helping Dirk with a design.

In the end they settled on something simple. It was just the Ghost Busters logo, but with his little slimmer and a blue stop sign instead of a red one. Dirk made sure to give the ghost stupid buck teeth like John had. It was beautiful.

“Are you going to do this yourself?” John asked. He knew Dirk had his own tattoo set and he’s done his own tattoos before. Dirk merely shook his head.

“Nah. I got a guy, he does my piercings and my tats that I don’t feel like doing myself.” John eyed up Dirk’s arm. One of them was completely covered in a tattoo sleeve, while the other was practically naked save for all of his freckles. Some of the tattoos extended up to his neck and some on his chest but that was it. John couldn’t believe he was getting a little bullshit addition to the tapestry that was Dirk Strider’s body. He gave a look at his own arm, bare with nothing but thick hairs that lined them.

“Do you think I should get a tattoo too? Or maybe a piercing? Which ear is the gay ear?” John wondered aloud. Dirk snorted out a laugh.

“The right ear is the gay ear, and why the fuck not. You need some other extra body mods to full cap off your new edgy teen bro look.” Dirk smiled. “Do you wanna come with me when I go get it done?”

“Of course. Now I get to see where all the cool kids hang out.” John joked, Dirk rolled his eyes.

“All the hooligans more like. But it’s fine, Mallek is a cool guy and professional nerd. I think you’d liked him.”

“I’ll take your word for it. When do we go?”

…

They ended up going to the tattoo parlour later that week. It was located in the troll kingdom as were most of Dirk’s favourite hangouts. The area was kind of seedy, filled mainly with rustbloods and the occasional teal here and there. Some humans and carapacians were there too, but not many. Dirk showed him into the parlour, inside there were trolls getting piercings and tattoos done. The smell was something to be desired but in all fairness, John’s home did smell worse sometimes.

A cerulean blooded troll with a kind of mohawk came towards them the moment they walked through the doors, his arms were outstretched as though initiating a hug.

“Hey who it equals.” The troll came up and gave Dirk a bro hug, the kind where you clap each other's back. “You’re looking very, _very_ , fine today, Strider.” He practically purred into Dirk’s ear, who didn’t seem to dislike the attention. John’s jaw clenched, who the fuck _was_ this guy? The troll peeled himself away from Dirk, looking into his eyes for much too long in John’s opinion. He turned to face John, who at this point looked irritated as hell, and was making no attempt to hide it. “And you brought a friend, Mallek Adalov.” Mallek outstretched his hand towards John, which ignored it.

“Pleasure.” John said plainly, his mouth was set in a frown and his eyes were hard. Dirk looked at him confused. “ _This_ is Mallek? Not what I expected.”  Mallek folded his arms over his chest.

“And what exactly equals what you were expecting?” John noticed he had a slight lisp on his ‘s’s. He elongated them a little too much, like he was hissing.

“I dunno. Something more impressive? But it’s fine, Dirk says you’re cool so I guess looks can be deceiving.” John offered a smile that was nothing short of fake. Dirk quirked a brow and gave John a little hit on the arm.

“Sorry about him, Mallek. This is John Egbert, resident master of backhanded compliments apparently.” John shrugged his shoulders unapologetically.

“It equals cool. I can respect someone who at least tells it like it equals.” Mallek cast a look to Dirk, who still seemed annoyed at John being a dick. “So, what can I do for you today, Strider? Finally getting that bulge piecing you been talkin’ ‘bout?” John’s brows raised. He didn’t know much troll lingo, but he knew a what a bulge was.

“Dude, you want a dick piecing? I thought you were joking about that.” Dirk waved him off.

“I’m not getting my dick pieced. I haven’t reached that level of punk yet. I’m just out to get a new tat.” Dirk offered Mallek the scrawling with their finished tattoo design on it, who looked it up and down stroking at his chin.

“What equals it supposed to be?”

“It’s a play on the Ghost Buster’s logo, with some Egberty touches added onto it.” John clarified. “I helped him design it.” He wore a smug grin on his face. Dirk cocked a hip rolling his eye behind his shades.

“Yes, yes you did. Gotta give the J-man mad props.” Mallek nodded his head.

“Mad props _J-man_.” John didn’t bother acknowledge Mallek’s attempted praise. It was as empty as the troll's smile. Mallek gave the tattoo another look before nodding his head before gesturing to an empty chair.

“Well sit your pretty ass down and I’ll get to drawing.” He pulled out some tattoo equipment as Dirk settled himself. Mallek gave a look at John who was now just standing there, his arms folded over his chest. “You can just kick back and chill if you want. Or I could get one of my boys to hook you up with a tattoo, or a bulge piecing of your own if you’re interested.” One of his ‘boys’ in question was a big hulking motherfucker with needle tapping at an open chair. John tried to ignore Dirk’s chuckling.

Maybe he should get the gay ear pieced.

…

John didn’t end up getting his ear pieced; or his dick for that matter. But he did get showed how to do a piecing on someone else which was fun.

It took a about a couple hours, but when the tattoo was done, it looked just as they had drawn it. It was located on a patch of naked skin on his chest, half bordered by other tattoos in that area. It was so silly, so goofy, but perfect nonetheless. Dirk eyed the tattoo as Mallek dabbed at it with some material.

“Holy fuck, it’s perfect.” John stepped to his side.

“Dirk, this is my favourite thing you’ve ever done.” John pipped up.

“I’m glad you two like it. You’re welcome.” Oh yeah. Mallek. John had been preoccupied with the other trolls, as well as learning how to puncture flesh he had almost forgotten the cerulean was there, even if he was the one doing Dirk’s tattoo. John didn’t fail to notice the quick glance Mallek cast in his direction before offering Dirk a hand out of the chair. Dirk took it before being pulled in a little too close to Mallek. “Though I do gotta say, the canvas is prettier.” The troll said smoothly. John almost did a double take, what the fuck was that?

Dirk quirked a brow like he didn’t quite know how to process the blatant flirtation. Instead, he merely shook his hand away from Mallek’s and made his way towards John’s side,  putting his shirt back on.

“So how much do I owe you?” Dirk asked fishing for his wallet, but the troll merely put his hand up.

“Nothing at all. Consider it a favour, ‘sides getting to work on your body was payment enough.” A couple of trolls in the parlour let out childish “ooo’s”. What was this? Elementary school. If looks could kill, Mallek would be dead right now from the glare John was giving him. Once again, Dirk stalled as though he was trying to process where the hell that came from. John had enough of this.

“Hey Dirk, I’m kinda hungry. Since we’re done here, let’s go get something to eat.” He offered his hand out for Dirk to take. “My treat, since you got the tattoo for me.” Dirk snorted.

“I got this tattoo for _me_ , thank you very much. You merely inspired it, don’t get too cocky.” John made grabby hands at Dirk, who finally took his hand. John may or may not have given Mallek the most smug, shit-eating grin as he held Dirk’s hand.

“Yadda, yadda. Let’s get going.” Just as Dirk was about to agree, the front door of the parlour chimed as a new patron entered.

“Well look what the paw beast coughed up.”  A baritone voice called. John turned to look at the source and was greeted by a big hulking clown troll. His hair was short and choppy, and his eyes were orange like how Gamzee’s got when he was about to lose his shit. Great. “I see you’ve finally moved onto your own species?” It took a moment for John to realise clown troll was addressing Dirk – who seemed less than pleased to see this guy.

“Dirk, who is this guy?”

“Remember that troll from a few weeks ago?” Dirk murmured back. Troll? Oh. Dirk’s late night hook up.

“Oh, baby you been talkin’ ‘bout me?” The clown honked. “So I’m not good enough for you but this sucka’ is?” He gave a vague gesture in John’s direction. What the hell was he talking about? “Look at you two holdin’ fronds like a couple of flushed fucks.” John looked at their hands, still intertwined. Did this guy think they were ‘ _together_ ’?

“John, let’s just go.” Dirk gripped onto John’s arm a little tighter, he was visibly uncomfortable.

“You even know who this guy is?” The clown was addressing John now. “Brotha’ is the fucking communal two-wheeled device. The second y’all pail, homeboy is gonna be gaggin’ for some fresh bulge, pretty sure damn near every homie up in this gig has had a slice of that pie, or knows someone who did,” The parlour went quiet, some trolls looked away from the scene, “Especially me.” The clown made an obscene gesture with his tongue, which grossed John out. Dirk’s gaze was cast to the ground almost out of shame. Okay, that was enough.

“You better back off!” John took a step in front of Dirk, who just wanted to disappear at this point. The troll chuckled at the challenge.

“Or what?” The troll sized him up, but John was hardly intimidated.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, fellas.” Mallek cut in getting between the two of them, who looked about one second away from tearing the shit out of each other. “Not in the shop. If you’re going to kick one another’s ass’, at least take it outside.” Mallek looked dwarfed sandwiched between John and the clown. “Taizon, we’ve talked about this.” He said to the clown troll. ‘Taizon’ merely tutted before pushing Mallek back sending the troll flying back, crashing into some equipment.

“Mallek!” Dirk called as he rushed to his friend. Some of the other trolls stood up, but none of them were purple bloods, Taizon could probably take them all if he tried. John looked over to Mallek who was rubbing the back of his head. Sure the cerulean rubbed John the wrong way, but that didn’t John wanted the guy to get hurt. Nor did it mean John was gonna let Taizon get away with doing that.

The clown pulled out a bat - that was painted to look like a club – from his sylladex. He trained his gaze on John and gave a lazy smile as though he had already won their little stalemate.

“You can’t make a slurry slut into a quadrant mate.” He mocked.

“I told you to back off.” John's voice was stern.

Taizon’s smile wore off, the sclera of his eyes looked red. The clown honked as he made to swing the bat at John, but John caught it yanking it from the troll’s grasp. John wound the bat back, it started glowing white in his grasp.

“GET LOST!” He swung the bat at the troll, clocking him in the temple. Like the bat, Taizon was enveloped in a white light before disappearing completely from the shop. The room went silent as John realised what he had done. He looked around  a moment before turning to Dirk, who looked equally as dumbfounded.

“I… I didn’t know you could zap things independently of yourself.”

“Neither did I.” Mallek was holding onto Dirk for support, though he didn’t seem too badly hurt.

“Where did he go?”

“I don’t… Wait… Do you hear that?” The sound came from outside. It sounded like… screaming, and the longer it went, the louder it got. Just then a loud crash came from outside. It was Taizon, who had just fallen onto a car from God knows how high. The poor car was crushed under his weight, wailing out its little alarm.

“Is he dead?”

“I … No, no look, I think I can see him twitching.” Taizon’s foot wiggled slightly, but he seemed to be out cold. There was silence throughout the parlour until John looked back to Dirk. “So… Lunch?”

…

The two left the parlour without incident… Well, without another incident. They weren’t holding hands any more, but that was fine. But what wasn’t fine was that jerk Taizon who tried to make a fool of them both. John still wasn’t over that asshole, and neither was Dirk judging by how quiet he was.

“You really need to evaluate you taste in men.”

“It’s not like it meant anything. I just wanted a cheap fuck, and he was up for it.” Dirk crossed his arms over his chest. “He’s just mad I ghosted him after the fact.”

“Good. You could do a whole lot better than that tool.” Dirk was silent for what seemed like a long while.

“I’m sorry about that. I was hoping we could live in a world where you would never have to meet any of my former conquests but… He wasn’t exaggerating when he said I got around.”

“Dude, I don’t care about that shit. You could be the village communal bus and nothing would change between us. It’s not any of my business who you fool around with, unless the guy sucks. Then I’ll make it my business.” Dirk gave a half hearted smile.

“Still… I feel bad. But also thanks for coming to my rescue. You didn’t have to do that.” John laid a reassuring hand on Dirk’s shoulder.

“I’m not gonna let some jerk talk to you like that and get away with it. You and me are like… A team. I got your back.” Dirk gave John a small smile.

“So, what’s our team name?” John stroked his chin thoughtfully for a moment.

“What about… Team… Bad Coping Mechanisms.” Dirk gaped.

“That is the best fucking team name I’ve ever heard in my life.” Dirk linked his arm with John’s, who didn’t mind the action one bit. “I want nachos.”

“Whatever you want, dude.”

…

“So then I smacked the shit outta him and he landed on a car, but that’s what you get for messing with one half of Team Bad Coping Mechanisms.” John finished. It had been a couple days since his little altercation with Taizon, but it still pissed him off.

“I don’t think that’s a healthy way to channel your aggression John.” Jazz said simply. “Though I do believe you weren’t entirely wrong for fucking up Taizon’s shit, what about it is still bothering you?” John leaned back on the couch looking around Jazz’s office.

“I don’t know… I just can’t believe he said that shit you know? I would never say anything like that to any of my exes, even if we had a bad break up. You just don’t do that.” Dr. Jones quirked a brow.

“And what exes are those?”

“W-What? Oh, uh, I meant hypothetical exes. I haven’t really dated anyone before.” Jazz seemed surprised by the fact. John didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted by her expression.

“Huh, you know we’ve never really delved into the more romantic aspects of your life, why don’t we talk about that?” John snorted.

“It’s not like there’d be much to talk about seeing as the last person I kissed was dead.” Jazz gave him a funny and slightly grossed out look.

“Game?”

“Game.” John nodded.

“Well, is dating or relationships ever something you ever thought about?”

“Not really, at least not seriously. I don’t think I was old enough to even process those kinds feelings before the game, and then there was no time to do so during the game since I spent three years on the battleship with my sister, her boyfriend and my nanna. And after that… I dunno. I was too busy being lame and crying myself to sleep.” Jazz snorted out a laugh.

“Well, why don’t you think about it? You’ve lamented about how upset you are about missing out on certain experiences in your adolescence, dating is it’s own milestone. Who knows, you might meet someone nice and have fun.” John gave a shrug of the shoulders and made an ‘I don’t know’ noise at the back of his throat.

“I’d have to think about it, but I guess I’m not adverse to the idea.”

“Cool, now… Team Bad Coping Mechanisms? Really?”

“What?! It’s accurate!”

…

Another session with Dr. Jones went successfully, it was nearing evening when John made his way to the Consort Kingdom to hang out with Dirk and Jake. Unfortunately neither of them were home, it was only the consorts… And Tavrosprite. John had camped out in the living room playing with a little salamander he had nicknamed Casey Jr. Meanwhile, Tavros was staring holes into the side of his head.

“Tavros, can I help you?” John said finally, Tavros perched his ghostly but on the side of the coffee table.

“I know what you’re doing.” John scrunched his brow. “The blue hair, eight sided glasses. You’re preparing for when Vriska comes back so you can impress her aren’t you. Don’t bother answering, I already know the answer.”

John pinched the bridge of his nose and set little Casey Jr down. Nope, he did not have the strength to do this today.

“You did it. You cracked the code. I’m doing all this, not because I like how it looks, but because I’m secretly in love with Vriska. Well done Sherlock.” Tavros clapped his hands together and let out a smug ‘HA!’ as though he had won something.

“I knew it! And you admitted it, so it must be true!” The front door clicked open and John caught a glimpse of Dirk making his way through. Oh thank God.

“Dirk!” He gave Casey Jr a little kiss on the head before making his way to the blonde. “Please save me from this dumbass, I can’t stand him.”

“Aight, c’mon homie. Tav, John and I are going to my room to draw obscene pictures, don’t wait up.” The two made their way upstairs leaving Tavros alone, he was still wearing that smug look on his face. “I still don’t get why you two can’t get along.” Dirk said.

“He’s just an asshole. He thinks my makeover is some elaborate ploy to seduce Vriska if and when she comes back.”

“Is it? You secretly out for that spider poon-tang?” John's nose wrinkled.

“Never, ever say poon-tang to me again. God, you’re starting to sound like Jazz.”

“Word? What did you and the mad woman hash out this time?” John shook his head.

“It’s nothing. How was wizard porn writing with Rose?”

“Technically it’s called erotica when it’s written, and you might like it if you tried it John.” Dirk opened his bedroom door and lead John inside. “But for real, how was your session?”

“It was fine. She basically told me to get laid or something.” Dirk quirked his brow. “Okay, those weren’t her exact words, but we started talking about my relationships – or lack thereof - and she told me I should try meet a nice girl or something.”

“Oh snap. Are you yearning for the touch of a woman John?” John pushed Dirk at the shoulder, who merely chuckled in response. “I’m joking of course, but have you considered dating?” John made an unsure noise.

“I mean… Not really. I always thought I’d end up married with a kid and stuff but now… Maybe I just haven’t found the right person but… I just can’t picture myself _with_ someone, you know?” Dirk pursed his lips, thoughtful.

“I dunno, dude. But fuck it, go forth and crush some puss like the frat boy super star I know you can be.” John chuckled.

“What about you?”

“What about me? We’ve already established I’m a whore, Johnathan.”

“No, I mean do you ever wanna get back into dating?”

“Seeing as the last dude I actually dated was Jake English, no. I do not see that happening any time soon.” Dirk flopped backwards on his bed, sighing. “’Sides, all the guys I attract seem to have bad intentions towards me… I mean, what even is a boyfriend but a guy you hug and hold, care about and trust enough to let yourself be vulnerable with.” John rolled his eyes letting out a mock gasp.

“Oh God, how _terrible_. I can see why you wouldn’t want one.” Dirk slapped John at the arm.

 “I don’t need a boyfriend for any of that shit ‘cause I already have you, nimrod.” Dirk smiled softly. “And I’m perfectly happy with that.”

Oh.

That was perhaps one of the sweetest thing Dirk had ever said to him. John swore he could feel his heart skip a beat.

“Aww… That was really mushy.” John made his way over to sit with Dirk on his bed. “But, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my own bad intentions towards you.” He teased. Dirk gave John an odd look coupled with a quirk of his head.

“And what exactly are those ‘bad intentions’?” John leaned in slightly, his smile wide and mischievous.

“Well… I kinda wanna… Tickle you until you wet yourself.” Dirk’s eyebrows shot up.

“DON’T YOU DARE!” Dirk managed to choke out before John tackled him down, tickling his sides relentlessly. Dirk hacked out laughter, wheezing and gasping under John. He wiggled trying to break free and somehow managed to get his hands in a position to tickle John back, which worked in getting John off him. “Take that motherfucker!” He said attacking John’s sides. John let out an embarrassingly loud shriek as he swatted at Dirk’s hands. He ended up whacking Dirk’s face, no way near hard enough to hurt, but enough to knock his shades off.

“I surrender O’ mighty ninja dude bro, please spare me.” John laughed, luckily Dirk was feeling merciful enough to let him go. The two huffed out the rest of their giggles as they laid back on the bed. John looked at Dirk, his shades were still off.

Whoa.

Sure he had seen Dirk with his shades off, but that was only when he was sleeping, he had never seen Dirk’s eyes before. They weren't wide and doe like the way Dave and Roxy’s were, instead they took on a more catty appearance like Rose’s. Seeing him like this, face bare save for the freckles, piercings, and dark circles underneath his eyes, coupled with the small smile on his face that hit his eyes. It was like John was seeing him for the first time. He didn’t realise he had been staring until Dirk spoke.

“You good, bro?” John blinked a couple times as if shaking himself from a trance.

“Yeah… I’ve just never seen you without your shades before. You have really pretty eyes.” Dirk looked him up and down, John could swear he could see his cheeks flushing ever so slightly.

“Well, I wouldn’t look too closely.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“Cause…” John didn’t even notice Dirk’s hand creeping up the bed grabbing hold of a pillow. “It leaves you vulnerable to attack.” He wacked John in the face knocking his glasses off. “Pillow fight motherfucker!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John staring deep into dirks eyes 
> 
> "i sure hope this doesnt awaken anything." 
> 
> next chapter is what you've all been waiting for. THE GAY BEGINS NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z, COMMENT TO GIVE ME STRENGTH!


	9. It's Not Gay If It Happens In A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John get's a girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to get this out before 2020, but fuck it. i had to half this chapter cause honestly it felt long long.
> 
> have this shit dump.

_They were in Dirk’s room, at least John thought they were. For whatever reason the room looked fuzzy, sure John’s glasses were off, but this felt different somehow. Instead of focussing on the walls, John turned his attention to the sight in front of him. Dirk was asleep, and John was right there lying beside him, his chin propped on his palm. Dirk had taken his shirt off before calling it quits for the night, his tattoo was out in the open and John was tracing circles around the edge of it, careful not to touch it as though it would smudge it or something. Of course it wouldn’t, but John didn’t know enough about tattoos to put that to the test. Instead, he was perfectly content with just doing this. John smiled at the goofy tattoo. His own little mark on Dirk’s body, much more meaningful than any love bite, that was or sure._

_He was completely lost in his actions to notice the hand that came up to stroke his cheek. John snapped out of it only too see Dirk looking up at him, his expression dazed and tired._

_“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” John apologised. Dirk gave him a half smile that said ‘it’s okay’. His shades were off, and his expression was content, his eyes, shining like amber. God, he really did have pretty eyes, John would bet he could never get tired of looking at them._

_Dirk’s hand drifted from John’s cheek down to his chin in one slow motion, his thumb lightly grazing John’s bottom lip, so softly there was no pressure behind it. Just warmth. John’s breath hitched slightly as Dirk’s eyes seemed to be trained on his lips, making John lick them._

_“D-Dirk?” John tried, but the blonde merely shushed him. Dirk shifted slightly, turning himself to face John. His other hand wandered up, hooking itself around John’s neck. Pulling him closer. John could swear he could feel his heart thumping a million miles a second. Dirk closed the distance between them, they were so close, their noses brushed. The feeling was small, but it felt electric. John tried once more to stutter out something, but Dirk shushed him again, this time his voice was lower, softer. With one final look, their lips met. It was only a small kiss, probably lasted only ‘one Mississippi’ if John had thought to count._

_When Dirk broke away, he looked into John’s eyes, as if trying to gauge his reaction. John bit his lip, before readjusting himself so he was positioned over Dirk.  Dirk gave a look which could only be described as a mixture of ecstatic and nervous before he pulled John down for another kiss – and John did nothing to stop him. This kiss was harder, hungry even, as if both of them had been waiting to do this from day one. Like something out of a movie. He had no idea what they were doing, but he didn’t want to stop it._

…

John groaned, though it probably sounded more like a content sign. His eyes blinked open, groggy. He didn’t know what time it was, but it certainly wasn’t morning. He looked to his side and saw Dirk laying there asleep. Dirk… Oh God! John’s eyes widened and he shot out of bed as memories of his dream flooded into his mind. Was it even a dream? He cupped a hand to his mouth and looked at Dirk who started stirring. He was wearing a shirt so that was one difference he supposed. Okay, no reason to panic. He just had a dream about him and Dirk kissing.

“John?” Dirk groaned out. Curse him for being such a light sleeper. Whatever sleepy daze Dirk was he in snapped out of the second he saw John’s expression. Dirk propped himself on his elbows, his brows furrowed. “Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?”

John had no idea how to classify that dream. It had felt so real… So… He merely nodded his head. Dirk shifted slightly, laying down, opening his arms for.

“C’mere.” John didn’t have the energy to fight Dirk on this one. He merely moved to lay his head on the other’s chest, who instinctively wrapped his arms around John, lightly petting his hair. John didn’t know whether to feel comforted by the action any more. “Do you want to talk about it?” Dirk mumbled into John hair.

“N-no… Not this time.” He said lamely.

“Okay, we don’t have to. But you know you can if you need to.” John nodded into Dirk’s chest.

…

John didn’t end up getting much sleep that night. Every time he closed his eyes he saw flashes of that dream, which sent his heart pounding in his ears. So he just laid there, lying with his head on Dirk’s chest as though everything was fine. He apparently wanted to smooch Dirk.

No.

There had to be some logical explanation as to why he had that dream. It must’ve been all that talk about dating, and stuff. Jazz put the thought in his head and talking about it with Dirk must have solidified something in his psyche. His dumb stupid psyche. It was like how when people dreamt they wanted to date their moms ‘cause they weren’t hugged enough as a child or something. John doesn’t actually want to date Dirk, Dirk’s just the only person he spends time with. Of course his mind would go straight to Dirk, who else would he think about? Nacklemore?

This year may have been a year of revelations for John, but one thing he knew for sure is that he was not a homosexual.

So then what?

Was he just lonely?

John let out a laboured sign. He was so sick of his stupid brain being depressed and lonely apparently.

True to his nature, Dirk had asked John about his dream in the morning, to which John brushed it off. Stating it was nothing new. John could tell that answer didn’t satisfy Dirk one bit, but luckily for John, Dirk knew when to push John and when to leave it. This time he deemed the situation not important enough to press John too hard on. Dirk merely gave him a pointed look behind his shades muttering only:

“You can talk to me when you’re ready.” John moaned rolling his eyes.

“I know, and I will. I promise.” Dirk gave a small smile. Dirk picked up a piece of toast that he had slathered in marmalade and took a bite.

“Imma go see Jazz later today but I’ll be back in the afternoon.” John totally wasn’t paying attention to the way Dirk licked the some of the jam that had dribbled onto the corner of his lip. “We still on for Naruto and chill at your place?” John let out a small laugh as though he wasn’t staring at Dirk’s lips.

“Always.”

“Cool, I’ll see ya’ ‘round Egdick.” Dirk stuffed the rest of the toast into his mouth, it was kinda gross but not entirely off-putting. Dirk gave John a peace sign as he left, and John could swear he felt his heart ache as he watched Dirk go. He quickly shook his head to snap out of it.

Nope.

It was just a dream, not all dreams meant things. He was not a homosexual, and he did not want to kiss Dirk Strider’s nerd face. Fuck this, he doesn’t have time to deal with this, he had a singing lesson to go to.

…

The lesson wasn’t anything to phone home about. Just some basic vocal exercises and working on his falsetto – his falsetto sucked but he was working on it. Gadius was still pleased with John’s chest  and mixed voice so that was good at least. The lesson ended with John feeling like he needed a lozenge, as he left Gadius’s studio. He didn’t even notice the bronze blooded girl run straight into his side. Her horns were like two corkscrews pointing out the side of her temples, one of which clipped his shoulder with enough force scratch him.

“Oh God!” The girl cursed. Her horn was caught on the rip it made on his shirt. “Oh God, oh my God! I’m stuck! Holy shit I’m stuck, I’m so sorry! I wanna die, oh shit I’m so sorry!” She panicked. John shushed her holding her trying to calm her down.

“It’s okay! Look, I can unhook you if you just stop moving.” The girl stood still, her legs bent slightly due to the angle she was caught. John held her horn and moved his arm slightly, and within two seconds she was free. The troll girl stood straight and rubbed the tip of her horn as if making sure it was still pointy. “Are you okay?”

The girl looked at him and her eyes widened.

“Oh my God. I totally ruined your shirt… And… Oh God you’re totally hot! I ruined a hot guys shirt. Not that I wouldn’t feel bad if I ruined an ugly guys shirt, I totally would! But the fact that you’re hot makes me want to kill myself even more.” John snorted.

“If it makes you feel better, you feel any better I’ve done way worse in front of hot people.” The girl chuckled twirling a strand of hair around a finger. She had really long nails that were painted in her blood colour.

“Well… Maybe I could… Buy you a cup of coffee and you can tell me about it?” Oh… Did John just get asked out?

“Um… I don’t…” He was about to decline, but then he remembered his dream. He needed to get rid of whatever lonely energy or whatever the fuck he was feeling, and this was the perfect opportunity. “Yes.” He said bluntly. “I’d… Yes, I’d like that.” He felt a little excited. His first date!

The bronze blood lead him to a nice café deep in a quiet spot of the city. It was a chill establishment in his opinion. She lead him to a nice booth in the corner, and a nice waitress came and took their orders. John was suddenly struck with nerves, he didn’t know what to talk about. Luckily enough for him, she did all of the talking. A lot of fucking talking. He could barely get a word out edgewise. She wanted to be a musician, she played a few of her songs for him on her phone - loud speaker of course. John was a little embarrassed, when people started looking their way. She ended up yelling at the waitress for fucking up her order, by that John meant that they didn’t draw the little leaf on her latté like she asked, and she demanded they make her a whole new drink.

Wow, worst first date every.

They had been there for what felt like hours in John’s humble opinion and he was Just about ready to check out.

“Well look who it equals. Sup bro.”

Jesus dick. Mallek goddamn Adalov, John gave him the stink eye and rust blood girl – whose name John neglected to remember – looked back and forth between them.

“Can’t you see I’m kind of busy?” John said gesturing to his lady-friend.

“My bad, didn’t know you were on a date, I’ll leave you to your business. Tell Strider I said hi.” He cast John a wink and went to the counter to order. John swore he almost bent the little spoon in his grip.

“Who was that?” The girl asked.

“Just some jerk I think hate.” John caught himself as he saw her expression shift. “Platonic hate! Casually dislike in a non-romantic sense.” She still didn’t look all too convince, which was when John decided he had enough of this _date_. “You know… Today has been really nice an all but I had ought to go home now.”

“That’s fine. But gimme your number so I can call you!”

“No thanks. See ya.” John zapped outta there, no doubt leaving the bronze blood confused as hell. Not that he had it in him to care any more. Maybe he shouldn’t be so quick to go on dates with strangers.

…

He ends up making spaghetti and meatballs for his Naruto date with Dirk. Except its not a date. It’s a nice bro get-together at John’s house. True to fashion Dirk came right on time, knocking some beat against the front door as though that would make John come faster to open it. John felt himself hesitate at the front door. It was just Dirk, nothing was going to happen. Nothing had to happen, they were just going to hang out like they always did. He opened the door for him, and John couldn’t help but laugh at the shirt Dirk had changed into. It was just a unicorn riding a triceratops with the caption ‘To The Gay Bar’.

“I wonder what Kanaya would say about your outfit.”

“She has expressed her distaste, and I have expressed my disinterest in her opinion.” Dirk pushed his way into John’s home, honestly it was like his home at this point. “So what’s the sitch?”

“There is no sitch. Just some spicy pasta and meatballs with your name on it.”

“Well you do know how much I love me my balls.” John snorted into his hand. He lead Dirk to the couch, Dirk's food already plated up. He had gotten pretty good a gauging how much Dirk could or would eat over the months. Dirk merely looked at the plate, heaped and steaming. “If you keep feeding me like this, Imma need to by loser skinny jeans man. I’ve already had to transition to yoga pants cause my thighs are too damn thick now.” He wasn’t wrong. Dirk had filled out a little more since John had started feeding him. Of course the man still had visible muscles, but now they was a slight softness to his sides. Even his butt had started gaining a rounder shape. Not that John was looking at his butt.

“So how was your session with Jazz.” John said to distract himself.

“It was fine, had a major breakthrough. Turns out, I’m still an asshole.”

“I mean I could have told you that.”

“Thanks. I knew I could turn to you to for brutal honesty.”

“You’re welcome. But for real, why are you an asshole this time?” Dirk shrugged.

“Just your run of the mill self-hatred brah. So how has your day been?” John rolled his eyes.

“Okay, we’re gonna put a pin in you hating yourself and talk about why you’re being dumb later, but to answer your question, my day was fine.” John thought for a moment about telling Dirk about his date, but that didn’t seem note worthy at all. “But I did run into Mallek.”

“Adalov? My homie who you were a dick to for no reason?” John let out a genuine scoff.

“I wasn’t a dick to him.”

“You were totally a dick.”

“I wasn’t a _mean_ dick to him.”

“As a specialist on all things dick related, you weren’t exactly a nice dick either.” John rolled his eyes.

“I had a reason!“ Dirk made an ‘ _mmhmm_ ’ sound at the back of his throat. “C’mon, as if he didn’t make you feel uncomfortable by putting the moves on you.” Dirk’s lips formed a line.

“Still… He’s actually a good guy once you get to know him, and you two could be friends if you weren’t so bent on disliking him. He’s not another Tavros here John.”

“Okay… Okay, when next I see him, I’ll apologise for being a dick if that’ll make you happy.”

“It would make me very happy.” Dirk smiled. John couldn’t help but look at Dirk’s lips and how they curled.

…

_John was humming away at the stove, cooking a meal. He stalled a moment as he felt two arms wrap around his torso, looking over his shoulder he was met with Dirk, looking up at him. No shades. John moved his arm to drape it around Dirk.  
_

John shot up like a bullet. Another dream… Great. Dirk was there of course, they had fallen asleep in front of the fire place in John’s living room. Luckily, they were far enough apart that John’s sudden action didn’t cause Dirk to wake up this time. Though the dream didn't end like the last one, John felt like it was going to.

‘Stupid dumbass subconscious.’  He cursed to himself as he rubbed at his eyes. He took one more look at Dirk, who was snuggling up against a throw pillow. Maybe going on another date with someone else would  help him get rid of whatever he was feeling right now.

…

So he did just that.

Humans were pretty much out of the question since they were all born from him and his friends and were kind his - however many times - great grandchildren. So trolls were his only option. He ended on a date with another troll girl. And another one. And another more. Each date a flop.

Weirdly enough, he had seen Mallek at every date. Like the cerulean was following him like some kind of bad omen. John blamed him for his lacklustre dates. He hadn’t kissed any of his dates of course or had second ones with any of them.

Thankfully, he didn't have anymore dreams of him and Dirk. So maybe dating was helping a little. But he felt weird about things between them now. When they'd hang out, he'd be reminded of his stupid dream and wouldn't know what to do.

It had gotten to the point where John felt awkward about being so touchy with Dirk. When Dirk would move to hold his hand or link arms with him, John would lightly push him away. He figured maybe cutting down on the cuddling would help get rid of the dreams. It didn’t. So he figured he’d stop hanging out with Dirk. Not forever of course, just until he got his head back on his shoulders. He’d still text Dirk and everything but it wasn’t the same. He’d call for a rain-check on their hangout sessions, or just claim he had other commitments. James was a brilliant alibi.

Still, that didn’t mean John didn’t recognise how bad a friend he was being. He knew Dirk liked being wanted, and here he was pushing him away. But John just didn’t want to face him yet. He just needed a little time, so that things could go back to how they were.

It had been a week at this point. A week of blowing Dirk off. A week of unsuccessful dates, and a week of seeing Mallek Adalov’s stupid face show up like a bad pop up ad. And he was sick of it.

So here he was now. Sat at a bar with his head in his hands, staring at the coffee he had ordered. He really wished he hadn’t quit smoking, cause good lord could he use a cigarette right now. He popped some nicotine gum, feeling nothing but awful about himself, when someone sat beside him. He wouldn’t have even noticed them if they hadn’t have spoken to him.

“May I sit here?” It was a sweet sounding girl’s voice.

“It’s a free kingdom.” He didn’t even look at her as he replied.

“You’re looking pretty down in the dumps.” She giggled, it was more of a sympathy laugh than a mean one.

“I practically live in the dumps.” She laughed again at his lame joke.

“That doesn’t sound too fun. Got any plans to lift those spirits of yours?” John finally looked to who he was talking to, and she was really, really, _really_ , pretty. She was a teal blood judging by her make up. She had teal coloured eyeliner and bright red lips that almost looked orangey. She reminded him a little of Terezi… Well she would if she had a crazier vibe to her. But instead, she was the most relaxed troll he had met in a little while. She had bright eyes and freckles.

John extended a hand toward her.

“I’m John.” She took his hand giving it a nice firm shake.

“My name’s Lawrah.” She gave him a squinted look. “John, huh? Kinda like that god, Egbert… Anyone ever tell you, you kinda look like him? ‘Cept you’re better looking.” John snorted into his drink, oh the irony.

“Y’know… No one’s ever told me that before.” He said still laughing to himself.

The longer they spoke, the more John found himself liking Lawrah. She was funny, and a lot less crazy than his other dates had been, a lot more attractive too. Whoa. Was he starting to get a crush on her?

“Do you wanna go out sometime?” John ended up blurting out. Lawrah looked at him, her expression owlish. He almost thought he shat the bed until he saw her red lips turn into a wide but bashful smile.

"I... What about tonight?"

…

They had agreed to meet later that day, which was very soon, but hey. It wasn’t like that was anything new at this point.

He was feeling jittery as he got ready for his date with Lawrah, but given his track record, he didn’t want to get his hopes up too high. The restaurant they were meeting at was a nice family place that served a mixture of troll and human delicacies. He had gotten her flowers – which she loved – and the night had gone much better than he could have ever expected. She was so funny, and witty her sense of humour reminded him a little of Roxy’s. Except she was a little cynical too, but John liked it.

They ate off each other’s plates and may or may not have gotten kicked out for trying to throw food into each other’s mouths only to hit the other patrons.

“Man, you’d think we started a fire in there with the way the boss started yelling.” Lawrah laughed clutching the flowers to her chest as they walked to her car.

“I know right! If I had my way, I would have bust open the silly string and really went to town on that place.” Lawrah snorted. She had a similar gaspy, wheeze filled laugh like Dirk, only pitched up.

“Are you sure you don’t want a ride home? It’s pretty late out, unless you wanna come back to mine and have some drinks?” He missed the suggestive lilt in her voice.

“Oh no, it’s fine. I don’t live too far, and I wouldn’t want to put you out.” The blatant invite to spend the night flew right by his head. “But, I would like to see you again sometime if that’s okay?” Lawrah seemed to perk up.

“That would be more than okay, John.” As they approached her car she turned on her heel to face him before leaning in and giving him a peck on the cheek. John felt his whole face go up in flames as she pulled away. The look she gave him made his insides turn. “Goodnight John.” She winked before heading into her car and driving down the road. John stayed there for a moment, watching the smoke trail from her car fade into the breeze.

His heart was thumping, and he felt giddy.

His first successful date with a pretty girl.

John floated home feeling good about himself.

…

He didn’t dream of Dirk that night, not did he feel weird when he thought about him.

Take THAT psyche!

He knew he didn’t have feelings for Dirk, he fucking knew it. Speaking of, the devil had texted John last night, which went ignored… But for once, John could blame Lawrah for him forgetting to message him back. John pulled open the pesterchum app on his phone.

**timeusTestified [TT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB]**

**TT** : Yo.  
 **TT** : Just thought you’d appreciate the fact that I’m tryna teach Nacklemore how to strum a guitar.  
 **TT** : He’s so bad at it.

**ectoBiologist [EB] went idle timeusTestified [TT]**

John snorted at the message.

**ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering timeusTestified [TT]**

**EB** : please. i need pictures and video evidence of this right now.

 **TT** : Oh shit, you’re actually online.  
 **TT** : Don’t worry, evidence is forthcoming.  
 **TT** : **[vid.baby_boy_tearing_it_up]**

 **EB** : aww! his fat baby claws just keep slapping the strings!

 **TT** : I know. The poor bastard can’t even strum one note.

 **EB** : don’t call our son a bastard! he’s doing his best. tell him I’m proud of him.

 **TT** : I will.  
 **TT** : Though this concert is something to be witnessed in person.

 **EB** : well, maybe i could come round some time and he could play for me?

John bit his lip, it took Dirk a while to respond.

 **TT** : Sure you’re not too busy?

Ouch. That one stung a little, but it wasn’t all together unexpected. He couldn’t tell whether Dirk was being passive aggressive or not, but either way he did deserve it.

 **EB** : i’m sorry. i know i’ve been a lame chump not hanging out with you as much, i promise i’ll stop being stupid!

 **TT** : I don’t think you’re stupid, but I appreciate it.  
 **TT** : You can make it up to be with various delicious home-cooked meals.

 **EB** : i promise i’ll feed you to your hearts content.  
 **EB** : next week.

 **TT** : Next week?

 **EB** : yeah, i’m a little busy this week but i promise next week!  
 **EB** : monday! i can come round on monday if you’re free.  
 **EB** : and i shall bring delectables!

 **TT** : Alright.  
 **TT** : You’ve won me over with your promise of "delectables".  
 **TT** : I’ll see you then.

**timeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]**

John felt excited. He had missed Dirk so much, but now that he had Lawrah, he could face Dirk without feeling weird any more. He sighed as he flopped onto his bed, finally feeling like he had found a nice balance.

…

Monday couldn’t come soon enough.

John and Lawrah had exchanged phone numbers, and they had been texting none stop. He told her most things about himself, she still didn’t put together that he was _the_ John Egbert, but he only found that funny. Meanwhile him and Dirk had been talking together also, catching up on all that they had missed with each other. It wasn’t a lot, but still. John still didn’t tell Dirk about Lawrah though, but if they actually sealed the deal as boyfriend and girlfriend, he would.

The weather was nice out, so he decided to take a nice jog before linking up with Dirk. He turned a corner and almost ran into a person. It was…

“Lawrah?” The troll girl looked shocked to see him too, but not unhappy. John opened his arms to give her a hug, which she accepted, coupled with a kiss on the cheek. “Hey! I didn’t expect to see you in the Human Kingdom.”

“I was just doing some shopping. Human brands are so hard to find in the Troll Kingdom, the commute is worth it for some good clothes.” She chuckled into he hand. “Hey… How ‘bout you accompany me? I could use those big strong arms of yours to help me carry some of my sweet loot!” She gave his arm a squeeze, feeling his bicep. John tried not to get flustered by the action.

“I can’t unfortunately. I’m meeting Dirk later today, but we can go get some coffee now if you want?” She gave him a pout, which then turned into a smile that felt a little forced.

“Sure.”

John lead her to a quaint little coffee shop and paid for her like a gentleman. The two sat at a little table Lawrah happily munching on some cake he had bought her.

“I still don’t understand why you dislike cake so much.” She licked the frosting off her lip.

“Listen. When you’re exposed to copious amounts of baked goods throughout your childhood. You get sick of them in a hurry. Every day, cake, cake, cake. I would beg for crumble, maybe a pie here or there. But alas, my cries went unheard.” John droned dramatically, causing Lawrah to snort out a laugh choking on her mouthful.

“Are you sure you can’t stick around a little longer? If Dirk’s such a good friend then he’d understand you just want some alone time with your matesprit.” John paused looking at her.

“Matesprit?”

“I mean… You know what I mean.” John did, but he didn’t know how he felt about it. “Besides, isn’t he like your moirail? One afternoon with me won’t kill him.” That shook him out of his train of thought.

“Lawrah, I can’t. Plus I’ve barely seen him the last couple weeks, I want to just have some bro time. Also he’s not my moirail. I don’t really _do_ quadrants. I’m cool if you want to have a kismesis or moirail or whatever though, just so you know.” Lawrah didn’t seem too happy. “Look, how about Friday night, you and me do something super fun, just the two of us.” John offered her his hand to which she took. Trolls skin was so coarse and thick.

“Okay. But, I’m deciding where we go and what we do! Okay?” John smiled nodding his head.

“Okay!” His phone buzzed, it was Dirk sending him a silly little video of Nacklemore, John chuckled before he saw the time. “Oh shoot! I should really get going. I don’t want to keep him waiting too long.” Lawrah gave another pout as John guzzled the rest of his drink and made to leave. “I’ll text you later!” He gave her a one armed hug, which she returned with a kiss on his cheek. Just as he was about to go she gripped his arm a little tight.

“John.” He missed the mild annoyance in her voice. "I want a kiss too."

"Oh..." For some reason the thought of kissing her back never occured to him. He leant down and kissed her cheek, the action oddly empty, but it was enough to satisfy Lawrah judging by the smirk on her face. She let go of him and gave him a wave.

"Text you later, honey."

"Yeah... See ya!"

…

He had half a mind to walk to the consort kingdom, but instead he just zapped his way there. The door was open as it often was. As he went he could head music emanating from the kitchen, he followed the music to its source and came upon non-other than Dirks Strider himself, getting down with a bunch of consorts.

John had to cover his mouth to stop himself from laughing. Dirk moved in a way that was reminiscent to how cheap cartoons would. The same three moves recycled over again to the beat of Toxic by Brittany Spears. God, he looked so stupid, draped in an oversized sweater John had left there from one of their sleepovers. It was so rare for John to see Dirk goofing off like this, but he lived for the rare moments he’d catch him like this. Completely unguarded, seemingly without a care in the world. Dirk did a twirl and stopped mid spin when he saw John, just standing there watching him with an amused expression. The fact that Dirk stood faceless acting like he wasn’t just cha-cha sliding with those salamander two seconds ago.

“You go girl.” John said with a snap of his fingers. Dirk put his hands on his hips.

“Don’t hate me cause you ain’t me home slice.” God, he missed this nerd. John moved closer to Dirk and extended his hand out to Dirk.

“May I have this dance?” Dirk rolled his eyes before taking John’s hand. John pulled him in, it took a little puppeting on John’s part, but Dirk ended up dancing along with John, as Brittany’s beautiful voice echoed throughout. The two of them danced – rather poorly – around the kitchen, picking up random consorts to use as dance partners. Not like the little critters minded one bit.

Dirk doing the running man until he stood and slipped on a rogue squeaky toy causing him to trip. He managed to grab onto John dragging him down with him. The position they landed was something out of a cliché anime. Dirk flat on his back with John on top of him, they’re faces a little too close to one another. John didn’t have any immediate instinct to move away from Dirk until the blonde put his palm to John’s face pushing him away.

“No~ You’re gonna get fingerprints on my glasses.” He moved away cleaning away the smudges from his lenses.

“Deal with it, Egbitch.” John snorted. He had almost forgotten how easy it was interacting with Dirk.  

The two of them moved it to he theatre room and settled on the couch.

“So what’s on the agenda captain?” Dirk gave a shrug.

“Thought maybe we watch a couple shitty animes or something? You ever see Golden Boy Kintaro?”

“Nope--”

“We are so watching Golden Boy Kintaro.” Dirk cut in before John could finish.

Needless to say, Golden Boy was one fucked up anime in John’s opinion. Not bad by any means, but the protagonist was moaning, as he gargled the bidet water of his boss’s toilet. John didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe.

“Dude, how the hell is this guy going to save the world?” John asked, his mouth slightly gaped. "Also why the hell does he sound like Ed from 'Ed, Edd n Eddy'?"

“Don’t doubt him man, he has the power. Also I have no answer to that second question.” Dirk shifted in his seat, playing with his fingers slightly.

“Are you okay? You’re twiddling your thumbs. That’s never a good sign.”

“Yeah, I’m cool… Are we cool?” John furrowed his brows.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… Not to sound like a clingy little bitch, but you kinda disappeared on me a while there. Not that I mind, I get it if you need space sometimes, that’s totally valid. I just… If I weirded you out…”

“Whoa, weirded me out with what?” Dirk gave a long groan, like he didn’t want to say what he was thinking, but he said it anyway.

“I just… If this is about that shit I said about not needing a boyfriend cause I have you, I just want you to know that I wasn’t trying to put the moves on you or anything like that or imply that I want to make something happen between us, cause I don’t.”

“Okay, hold up. Where would you get the idea that I’d think you were trying to put the moves on me?” Dirk threw up his hands in defeat.

“I don’t know. Like, I don’t wanna sound whiny, but it seems like one day we’re fine rolling around in snuggle town, hug bumping like bros and the next day you’re pushing me away when I reach out to you and blowing me off and not in the fun way. I just… It’s the only thing I can think of, like if you need me to preface all our pap-sessions with ‘no-homo’ I’d be more than happy to do it.” John bit his lip, he knew this was bound to come up though Dirk had it completely twisted.

“Dirk. Please, shut up.” John placed his hands on either side of Dirk’s face, mushing his cheeks in a way that made him look like a fish. “You’ve been a great friend to me… I… I have been distant, but it’s nothing to do with you.” Dirk didn’t look all too happy with that answer. “I’ve been dealing with my own shit, and I just wanted to handle it on my own, but I promise everything is better now and things will go back to the way they were.” He thought back to Lawrah and how things were going with her "I promise." Dirk gave a small smile, which looked silly with his cheeks all mushed together.

“You don’t need to fight every self-battle alone. Aren’t we like, a team? A depressed, lame nerd team?” John moved his hands from Dirk's cheeks to his shoulders.

“Of course we are. And I know you’re there for me. I’ll be a better friend to you.”

“You’re already like, my best friend. Don’t tell Jake I said that.” John snorted and opened his arms inviting Dirk in for a hug.

“C’mere.” Dirk moved in, resting his head in John’s lap, completely ignoring the hug.

“Is this cool?” He mumbled. John pet at his hair.

“It’s perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> true to my nature this isn't proof read and a little its a little bit of a filler episode and im not too keen on it but the wheels be turning and the butter be churning and i gotta get through the bullshit to reach the gay.


	10. (Not) Just in Like in the Movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John realises he might not like his new GF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lawrah voice: I cant believe i was just a plot device.

Things had pretty much gone back to the way they were in John’s opinion. He and Dirk saw each other regularly, and the cuddles were back in full force. Best of all, he didn’t feel awkward about it. He also had to make time for Lawrah – who was kind of his girlfriend… Sorta. For their date, Lawrah had invited him over to her hive, she lived alone in the city in a nice sized apartment. John had totally forgotten what she did for work, but so long as she didn’t quiz him he didn’t think It’d be much of a problem. 

He had brought wine and chocolate covered strawberries, he didn’t even know if she drank, but he was trying to be a good almost-boyfriend. She had given him an eager kiss on the cheek when he arrived before ushering him inside. There were candles lighting the table, the food laid out smelled nice enough. She happily poured the wine into two fancy glasses. The whole thing felt pretty adult in John’s opinion. They ate in silence, for the most part, talking about mundane things. Things like weather, what they had been up to, simple stuff like that. When John ran out of things to talk about, he’d just throw in some random stuff about what he and Dirk had been up to instead to keep the conversation rolling. For whatever reason it felt like having no conversation at all would be worse than a mediocre one. Lawrah kept trying to play footsie with him under the table which should have been sexier than it was. It mainly just tickled, but he held off on the giggling. The last thing he wanted to do was laugh when she was trying to be sexy.

They ended the night camped out on her rug, watching some rom-com that was getting a little too steamy if someone were to ask John. The actors on screen were kissing in the way people in movies kiss. Big, passionate, completely immersed in one another. Lawrah had busted open some whipped cream and they were feeding each other. Lawrah ‘accidentally’ smeared whipped cream on the corner of his chin.

“Oh, let me get that for you.” Her voice deceptively innocent. John didn’t even have a second to respond before leaning in and licking the cream off. The action made him seize up like a deer in the headlights. “There ya’ go.”

“Uh… Thanks.” John said lamely. Lawrah merely giggled, she was really close to him. Much closer than John felt comfortable. She nuzzled his nose with her own. But it was okay, this was what guys did with their girlfriends. Except she wasn’t his girlfriend, not really, not yet. Everything was making his heart go a million miles a minute, but it wasn’t in a good way. It was in a way that set his nerves on fire.

She leaned in a little more, and John leaned away.

“What are you doing?” His voice had a hint of annoyance. Lawrah pulled back giving him an odd look as she played with the button of his dress shirt.

“I’m trying to kiss my matesprit?” She said like it was obvious. “C’mon, we’ve been on a couple dates and we still haven’t _kiss_ kissed… I’ve heard of playing hard to get, but c’mon John. How much longer are you gonna keep me waiting.” Her voice was sultry, but John wasn’t too interested. She moved to lean in again, but John leaned away.

“Okay, well first of all you’re not my matesprit, and second… I’m not really in the mood.” He regretted his tone as he watched her face drop into a mixture of sadness and confusion.

“If… You’re not my matesprit then what are we?”

“I…”  John didn’t know how to answer that question. His eyes darted around like he’d find clues written on the walls or something. But of course, he didn’t. “Look… I really like spending time with you, and I think you’re great but… I’ve never really done this before, I was hoping we could start off slow and see where things go from there?” Lawrah didn’t seem very happy with that answer, so John gave her a kiss on the temple as though that would make things better.

She pouted.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll slow it down… Just for you.” She gave him a kiss back on the cheek. John smiled draping his arms around her in a big hug.

“Aw, I knew you’d understand! Thanks Lawrah.” Lawrah hugged him back with less enthusiasm.

Their date ended pretty well. John went home for the night, even though Lawrah had invited him to stay the night. It felt a little inappropriate sleeping alone with a girl, even though they were dating. John was trying to be a gentleman. Having to juggle spending time with Lawrah and spending time with Dirk and Jake was a bit of an ordeal. Throwing in his classes, therapy and gym – well, beating up battle robots, but still – John was a little overwhelmed with how much of a big deal he was becoming. But he had gradually found a balance.

Sometimes when he was on his phone texting Dirk would ask him who he was chatting with. John still had yet to contact his old friends, which he didn’t even know if he could at this point without coming up with some elaborate excuse as to why he had been ignoring them. Which he didn’t have yet, so he settled for not bothering to deal with that shit right now. And he certainly wasn’t about to introduce him to Lawrah… Not just yet. So he did what he did best and lied through his crooked teeth.

Everything was okay, at least John believed they were. Except Lawrah was becoming more and more impatient with him. She wanted a level of intimacy John wasn’t comfortable giving her. But it was odd. He was fine having Dirk or even one of the little consorts snuggle up to him or hold his hand. But when Lawrah did it, it felt different. He was hyper aware of her touches. It was like when a stranger touched you as they were trying to get past. Odd and unfamiliar.

But John just figured he just had to get used to it.

You’d think two-ish weeks was enough time, but it wasn’t.

…

It was early September by now.

John had been with Lawrah for about three weeks. Which was fine. Nothing too important. Of course, they still hadn’t gone farther than cheek kisses and hugs, but Lawrah said she was fine with things being that way. So of course things were going great.

…

Except they weren’t.

Lawrah was becoming increasingly needy. Which was understandable, she wanted John to be more physical in their relationship. John didn’t. He didn’t peg himself as someone with an aversion to touching since he did it so liberally with Dirk. But he still felt weird about touching Lawrah. He felt like he shouldn’t or wasn’t supposed to do those things with her.

It was times like these he was happy he had a therapist.

“Jazz, I’m not doing too great.” Jazz snorted.

“Tell me your sorrows, honey.”

“So… I started seeing this girl right?”

“Ooo lala~”

“Jazz, please.” Dr. Jones held up her hands as though gesturing for him to go on. “We’ve been together for a few weeks, but we still haven’t kissed or touched or anything. And I kinda don’t think I want to do those kinds of things with her.” Jazz hummed nodding her head.

“Well, I’m going to need a little more information on your part. Is it the thought of touching that’s the problem or the thought of touching her?” John shrugged.

“I don’t know. I kinda want to kiss and have sex and stuff but anytime I think of doing it with her, I just get… I don’t know. A weird feeling. Like thinking about her like that is wrong. Which is weird since she’s my kinda girlfriend.” Jazz quirked a brow.

“Your ‘kinda-girlfriend’? Are you two not going steady?”

“’Going steady’? God your old.” Jazz threw a cushion at John, which he let hit him. “Okay, well… No we’re not. We agreed to take things slow, but I think she wants to start doing more. Which I understand, I just can’t for some reason.”

“What made you start going out with her in the first place?” John made a groan in the back of his throat. “If you don’t tell me we won’t be able to get to the root of the issue. You know this, Johnathan.” John hated it when she used her mom voice on him, it always worked.

“It all started when I had a dream I kissed… A friend. And I don’t like them, I don’t think I do anyway. So, I started dating cause I thought I was just lonely or something, and Lawrah is cool and stuff but I just can’t… Y’know. And no, I haven’t had those dreams since so that’s not the issue.” Jazz pursed her lips and gave a sagely nod.

“Why do you think you were having dreams about this friend of yours?” John rolled his eyes; how did he know she was going to ask that.

“I don’t know! I mean sure we’re close but… I thought cause we started talking about relationships that, that might have triggered something but… I don’t know. I know I’m not a homosexual, so obviously I can’t have feelings for him.” His voice came off more defensive than he had intended.

“How do you know?”

“What?”                          

“That you’re not a homosexual. How do you know? Have you ever tried to sexual a homo?” John scoffed.

“Dr. Jones, please. I just know.”

“Okay, we’ll put a pin in your sexuality for the moment. Look, you and Dirk…”

“WHOA! DIRK? Who said anything about Dirk?!” She gave him a look that said ‘really?’.

“John. You interact with like three people, and one of them is me.” She was right, but she didn’t have to say it. “From what you both have told me, you and Dirk are intimate in everyway but sexual. It’s not uncommon for people to develop romantic feelings for people they’re vulnerable with. You wouldn’t believe the amount of clients who claim they love me just cause I know their insecurities.”

“But… I don’t think I like Dirk like that.”

“And you might not. But feelings don’t always have to be separated John. The lines between platonic and romantic attraction are blurry, that’s why pale-flushed vacillation is such a big issue with quadrants. You clearly want to explore more romantic avenues in your life, and Dirk - being you closest, and most trusted friend – is the avatar your mind has chosen for those explorations. Who wouldn’t want their first kiss to be with someone they trust?”

“I guess that makes sense…” He paused a moment.

“Don’t get too hung up on it. I understand it feels weird, but its not weird nor uncommon.” He felt a little better about his dreams. Why didn’t he go to her to start with? “The girl you’re dating. Do you really like her?” The question made John snap out of it. Sure he did like her. Lawrah was pretty, nice and funny. Though he didn’t know whether he had an actual _crush_ on her. He settle on giving Jazz a shrug for an answer. “You started dating her to make the dreams stop, and now they’re gone do you still want to date her?” John chewed the inside of his cheek.

“I dunno. I guess?” Jazz leaned in her seat. She looked at him through squinted eyes.

“I think that’s why you feel weird about kissing her. Cause she’s already served the purpose you needed her for, and now she wants more than what you’re willing to give out. Maybe that’s why it feels wrong.” That… Made John feel a little scummy. Lawrah was more than just a device for him to get rid of his weird dreams… But thinking back on it, that did make sense.

“You think deep down I feel uncomfortable doing that kind of stuff with her cause I’d be… I dunno, taking advantage of her feelings?” Jazz shrugged.

“Think about it. She likes you enough to go slow with you and hold off being intimate cause it makes you uncomfortable. Would you really like to kiss someone you knew liked you when you didn’t feel the same?”

“I guess not…”

“Maybe you don’t like her as much as you want to. And I don’t think that’s fair to either of you.” John went quiet. He knew he at least found Lawrah attractive, but did that mean he liked her?

…

“How did you know you had a crush on Jake?” Dirk did a triple take at John’s question.

The two were sat on John’s bed listening to country music, Dirk’s choice of course.

“Whoa, where the fuck did that come from?”

“I’ve just been thinking about stuff, and I don’t know. I was just curious? Is it really all butterflies in your stomach like in the movies?” Dirk made a face.

“I mean…” Dirk slumped. “It’s weird. It a whole lot of feelings, you heart aches, you get all blushy at the thought of them… But it’s good. Even though things didn’t work with Jake, in the moment, I liked feeling that way for him.” He gave a sad smile as if reminiscing. “It’s just like in the movies.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“So, you think you have a crush? You finally fallen madly in love with me? I wouldn’t be surprised, it was only a matter of time.” John snorted, shoving his bare foot in Dirk’s face.

“Your Strider charm hasn’t won me over just yet. I’m still a heterosexual.” Dirk shook his head solemnly.

“Sounds fake but whatever bro.”

…

He had another ‘date’ with Lawrah, which he wasn’t looking forward to. The relationship had gone stale, and honestly John kept thinking about what Jazz had said. He really didn’t think he had a crush on her, but maybe he could learn to. She had enough charm to stir something in him. Maybe. At least he thought she could. She had a surprise for their date, but he didn’t know what it was. He bought her flowers just in case, he had to at least pretend he cared.

Wow. That sounded a lot worse than it did in his head.

He had been going to the same flower shop to pick up her bouquets. They were always fresh smelling and vibrant, not to mention reasonably priced. He may be a kagillionaire, but he was a financially responsible kagillionaire.

He stepped out of the little shop, he almost collided with the person coming towards him like a major clutz. He stuttered out an apology before realising who he was talking to.

“Kanaya?” Whoa. He hadn’t seen her since the night of his big melt down. Just the thought was enough to make his stomach churn. “Long time no see.” He said lamely. She looked as though she was trying to place him. “Oh please, I don’t look _that_ different.” John said rolling his eyes.

“John?”

“Yes?” He parroted her tone.

 “My goodness. I could barely recognise you, especially since our last meeting.” John groaned, for whatever reason he was hoping she wouldn’t bring that up. “You are looking much better. Less sickly and more… Blue.” She motioned to his hair, which John ruffled out of instinct.

“Well I feel less sickly. But thank you for the compliment?”

“You are welcome.” She looked him up and down, her eyes lingering on the bouquet for a moment. “Dirk mentioned you were doing better since your cold, though if I had known being sick would cure you sense of fashion I would have infected you earlier myself.” Ah, a joke. At least John thought it was a joke, but her delivery was so flat he couldn’t tell whether she was being serious or not.

“Hardy har. Maybe next time I’m sick I’ll sneeze on you and fix you comedic delivery.”

“My delivery is fine.”

“No it’s not.”

“I know. But a girl can try.” John chuckled. Talking with Kanaya wasn’t nearly as awful as he had expected it to be. It was almost like how things were before.

“So… How’s Rose?”

“She is as she always is.” How very cryptic. “How is Dirk?”

“He is as he always is.” John mimicked playfully, granting a smile from Kanaya that held no snark or snootiness behind it. He plucked a flower from the bouquet he was holding and offered it to the troll. “Here. A rose for Rose, tell her I said hi.” Kanaya took the flower and held it to her nose to smell it.

“I shall. Thank you, John.” If only every interaction with his friends could end up like this. Maybe it was that easy. Maybe if he just reached out to them, it would be that easy.

“JOHN HI!” Both him and Kanaya jumped at the sudden shriek. He turned to the source just in time to see himself be tackle hugged. “Hi sweetie!”

“Augh! I… Lawrah?” He had to move his head, so her horn didn’t puncture his face.

“Who else would it be, hon?” She was being much more cutesy than usual. More clingy too. “Who is your friend?”

“Uh… Lawrah, this is Kanaya, Kanaya this is Lawrah, my…”

“Matesprit.” Lawrah cut in. “Oh those are such pretty flowers, are they for me, hon?”

“Uh… Yeah they are, I was gonna give them to you tonight.” He managed, he tried to ignore the fact that she referred to him as her matesprit. John also tried to ignore the look on Kanaya’s face. “Well… Me and Lawrah should get going, I’ll see you when I see you Kanaya.”

“Likewise. It was pleasant seeing you again John.” She turned her attention to Lawrah who was still latched onto John’s arm. “And you as well, Lawrah.” And with that, John and his _matesprit_ parted ways with Kanaya goin in the opposite direction.

“Your _friend_ seems nice.” Lawrah said, there was something bitter about her tone.

“She isn’t but you get used to it. Also, what’s with calling yourself my matesprit all a sudden? I thought we agreed…”

“I know, I know. I just wanted to make sure she understood you were taken. Specially since you gave her that flower.” John unhooked himself from her grip.

“Is that what this is about?” Lawrah shrugged her shoulders, crossing her arms over her chest. “Kanaya is an old friend. She’s married to my other childhood friend, who are both gay as hell. You don’t have to be jealous, Lawrah.”

“Well…” She let out a huff. “I’m sorry, I didn’t have the whole story. Are we still on for tonight?” She looked at him, her eyes big and puppy like.

“…Sure.”

He really didn’t know if he liked Lawrah as much as he thought he would.

…

She had told him where to meet her, some club in the Troll Kingdom. He saw the lines of people queuing to get inside. Fuck that. He zapped himself inside, the music was loud and thumping, the floor seemed to pulse underneath his feet.

“John! Over here!” Lawrah called. He could barely hear her over the music, John turned looking for her. When his eyes met her’s he was surprised at what she was wearing. She looked – for lack of a better word – hot as fuck. She comes up to him, pushing past the other party goers. “I hope you weren’t waiting in line for too long, I would have come and got you!” She hugged him, which he returned half-heartedly.

She lead him to the bar, chatting away, but he wasn’t really listening.

“I never thanked you for the flowers earlier.” John snapped out of his daze.

“You’re welcome, though I’m glad I got to give them to you already. I don’t think they’d do too well in this place.” He mused, looking at the laser light show.  

“So what have you been up to? I’ve barely heard from you this week.”

“Oh, uh. I’ve just been hanging out with Dirk for the most part.” Lawrah’s eye twitched as he continued. “I tried showing him how to make pie crust but this guy, you’d think we didn’t speak the same language with how badly he fucked up. And then Rad Steve tried to help, and he wasn’t any good either.” John snorted. “I’m surrounded by such nerds. Dirk said he was gonna try cooking on his own but… I’m dreading the mess I’m gonna find when I go over to see them tomorrow.” He didn’t notice the way the troll girl was drumming her fingernails on the bar top. She moved her hand to his face, placing a finger on his lips to shut him up.

“Forget about _Dirk_. Focus on me now” The way she said Dirk’s name had a bitterness to it. “Hey! How about we dance!” John didn’t even have a second to respond until Lawrah grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the dance floor. She dragged him straight to the centre of the masses of people. She started dancing and twirling, and John followed her lead. Sure it was kinda fun, but he couldn’t help but think of how he had more fun dancing in Dirk’s kitchen to Brittney Spears. He hadn’t even noticed he stopped dancing until Lawrah hooked her arms around his neck, looking up at him. The action made John blush.

“W-what’s up?” He stuttered out.

“I was gonna ask you the same thing. You look like you’re drifting off there, blue.” She gave him a cheeky smirk as she went on. “How ‘bout I bring you back down to Earth?” John’s eyes widened as she leaned up closer to him, her eyes closing. Oh God. She’s going to kiss him.

His heart started thumping, why did his stomach drop as though he was going into a panic attack. He was going to have his first kiss… With Lawrah. But it felt wrong. Weren’t first kisses supposed to be like, special? Like in the movies. That’s where sparks fly or when fireworks go off. They’re meant to matter. He was supposed to want this. But he doesn’t.

He didn’t want to kiss Lawrah.

“I don’t want to kiss you.” He blurted out. Lawrah stopped, her lips still slightly pursed before pulling back. “You’re really great. And I think we get along really well. But… I don’t think I can give you the kind of relationship you’re after. I thought if I pretended long enough that I would start to feel something for you… But I don’t. I’m so sorry for leading you on.”

John couldn’t tell whether she was mad or not. Not until her face went dark that is. A cool fury washed over her like a wave, her expression made John’s spine shiver. She slide her arms from around his neck, her eyes darting around as though she was looking for something.

“Lawrah?” Finally, she moved. Ripping a drink from the hands of some other party goer and splashing it into John’s face. Fair enough.

“FINE! I can’t believe I wasted my time with some loser that can’t see when they got something good in front of them!” She spat, throwing the plastic cup onto the floor. “Also, I lied. That Egbert god is way more hotter than you’ll ever be!” With that, she stomped off. What a weird burn.

John took off his glasses, wiping his face clean on his shirt. He shook his glasses before wiping those down too. He slunk his way over to the bar, taking a seat at an empty chair. Maybe he had been too hasty in throwing whatever he and Lawrah had or could have had. But he really didn’t want to force something that he wasn’t even sure he wanted. God, dating was rough. He let out a groan, he just wanted to go to bed at this point.

“Rough night?” A voice chuckled. John knew that voice, and he really didn’t feel like hearing it right now.

“Are you stalking me?” He didn’t bother look to his side, but he even with the loud music he could hear Mallek slurping at whatever he was drinking.

“Nah. Though I do wonder, if I did stalk you, how many other chicks I’d see hanging off your arm. And here I thought Strider got around.” John looked at the troll, his eyes narrowed.

“Watch it. I can and will send you six feet under if you keep talking about him like that.” Mallek held his hands up in defeat.

“Sorry, sorry, I was just kidding. No need to do me like you did Taizon.” Mallek let out a chuckle. “Y’know, he hasn’t shown up at the shop since you popped him a new one, so I guess I should be thanking you for that.” John slunk in his seat, he’d lean back if the bar stool had a back to it. “You know… I was pretty surprised when I saw you with that first girl. I was sure as shit that there was something going on between you and Di-Stri, specially with how territorial you were with him. Plus the way he talks about you, high-key thought there was something red going on there. Pale at least.”

“First of all, I don’t do quadrants. Second there’s nothing romantic between me and Dirk, period. We’re just bros.” The cerulean pursed his lips, looking very unconvinced and he gave a slow nod of the head.

“Alright… So if you’re not with him, than means I can get with him.” John’s eyes widened.

“No way!”

“What do you mean? It’s not like you’re getting with him. If I played my cards right, him and I could be quadrant mates by the end of the swipe.” John couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“May not know what a swipe is but I would be cold in my grave before I let you take advantage of Dirk like that. Especially after all he’s been through, that’s the last thing he needs.” Mallek scoffed.

“Who said I want to take advantage of him? Maybe my intentions are as innocent as yours would be if you were interested in him.” Mallek crossed his arms over his chest. “Plus you can’t tell me whether or not I can ask him out.”

“Yes I can.”

“Why?”

“Cause he’s mine!” John didn’t mean to yell that as loud as he did. Mallek gave him a sly look as though John had fallen into his trap. “Friend. He’s my… Friend. And I’m just trying to look out for him” He recovered lamely. There was a pause between them before Mallek let out a low whistle that was barely audible above the thumping music.

“You got it bad.” He chuckled, but John didn’t find it all too funny. “Don’t worry. I’m not really trying to get with Strider. If I was, I would have done something perigees ago.” John gave him a pout. “I get it though… I also had a… Friend like that. Best friend I ever had, thought we’d be friends forever but then one month later they’re gushing about how fucking in love they are with this indigo and I’m just… There. Listening to them.” The cerulean took on a dejected expression. John – not knowing quite what to do – offered him a pat on the back.

“I’m sorry.” The troll merely waved him off.

‘It’s cool. I’ve made peace with it. But you get what I’m saying right?” John rolled his eyes.

“Okay, but Dirk and me are different. We’re really just friends! I think I would know if I had feelings for him.” Mallek held up his hands in defeat.

“If you say so. But, maybe just let him know that before someone else decides they want to be _friends_ with him too.”

John felt conflicted. He knew he didn’t like Lawrah, and he knew he didn’t like Dirk that. Those dreams were nothing but his stupid fucking psyche. They didn’t mean anything important, even Jazz had said it didn’t matter. He could feel whatever his head wanted him to feel. They didn’t have to matter.

Mallek waved over the bar maid and ordered another round of drinks. The bar maid brought over two large pints of some colourful liquid that looked like an oil spill in a puddle. Mallek gave one drink to John, who muttered a quite thanks.

“Cheers. To friendship.” Mallek said raising his glass. John chuckled, picking up the large glass.

“To friendship. The worst human emotion ever created.”

…

John was hardly a lightweight, but troll liquor hit _different_. It had taken a couple drinks to get him on the dance floor, and another two to have him on the ground. If Jake was there, he would probably say something silly, like they were ‘dancing with the pixies’ or some other colloquialism. At some point he Mallek had taken him back to his hive, John couldn’t exactly remember what they had been doing. But his ear hurt. He was lounging about on a love seat in Mallek’s dirty living room. The troll had all sorts of tech gadgets sprinkled about here and there. It was a total mess.

“Mallek~” John droned.

“Sup bro.” Mallek called from across the room, he was munching on what seemed to be flaming hot Cheetos.

“I wanna kiss Dirk’s face.” John complained. “But I’m not gay though… I don’t have gay feelings for him I don’t think. He’s just… A bro. Y’know?” The troll hummed nodding his head.

“Dude… Just do it.” John wiggled himself into a seating position to look at the troll who looked like he was being engulfed by the bean bag he was sat on.

“But how?!” He slurred.

“Step One, go to his hive. Step Two, kiss his face. Step Three, profit!” Mallek shouted, counting off the steps on his fingers. John had to roll onto the floor to get onto his feet.

“You’re so fucking wise.” John applauded. “I’m gonna kiss him, and then I’ll know if I’m gay for Dirk or if my dreams are just gay.” John concluded as though that was the best plan in the world. There was a pause between them.

“What?”

“Imma go now! Bye, bye Mallek!” He waved, putting his whole arm into it before zapping off. He had his mind trained on Jake and Dirk’s home. He landed in their kitchen. Somehow he had managed to zap himself above their kitchen countertop and - unprepared for the landing – he ended up falling onto the counter taking down a bunch of plates with and other dining equipment with him. The result was a loud clatter.

John shushed at the plates, as though that would make them shut up. He creeped around the plates on the floor, shushing the ones that dared to clink. Man he could go for a juice right about now, he thought before raiding their fridge. Jake and Dirk always kept little capri suns and push-top bottles for the consorts. The lights flickered on and a low click sounded in the kitchen.

“Freeze!” John froze mid reach for the drink. “I… John? Goodness, I thought you were some miscreant trying to burglarise us! I nearly popped you a new noggin.”

“Hi Jake!” Jake lowered the pistoles he had trained on him as John made his way to give him a big hug.  “ Lol, dude you’re so silly. I love the way you talk, bro. You’re such a bro.” Jake hugged him back, before letting out a cough.

“Cheese ‘n’ crackers, John. Have you had a scrounge about in the wine cellar? You look like you were singing with the pixies.” John let out an obnoxiously loud cackle that rivalled Terezi’s.

“That’s what I said I thought you’d say!” He giggled. Jake shushed him in an attempt to quiet him down.

“Well your foresight was correct on that matter. Now let’s get you rested.” John leaned into Jake, his legs going limp like wet spaghetti.

“Noooooooo.” John complained. “I have to… I have to talk to Dirk. I need him. To tell him somethin’ really important! It’s important, and he needs to hear it with his ears.” He tugged at his own ear which hurt like hell.

“Okay, okay. Let’s go up to Dirk’s room and you can tell him all your secrets, okay?” Jake seemed to be struggling to keep John up, who seemed determined not to use his legs. “Let’s just fly on up there, okay?”

“Okay~” John hummed letting himself float. Jake pulled John along like a linoleum balloon, it seemed John’s mission was to bump into everything in his sight. When they made it to Dirk’s room, Jake gave the door a tentative knock.

“Dirk, are you awake? You have a little visitor.” Jake opened the door just a crack.

“IT’S ME DIRK! I’M THE VISITOR!” John shouted a little too close to Jakes ear making him wince.

Though it was probably past three in the morning Dirk was still awake, typing something on his laptop. The blonde lugged himself out of bed and made towards the door, opening it completely. John greeted him an excited wave.

“Ahh, drunk John. We meet again.”

“Dirk, I had troll alcohol! That shit is GOOD!” Dirk nodded his head and held out his hand for John to take, which he did.

“I’ll take it from here, Jake. Go to bed.” Jake let out a yawn as he happily let Dirk take over.

“You’ll get no complaints from me. Hope you two catch up soon. Nighty night, John.”

“NIGHTY NIGHT!” John laughed. Only moments after Dirk closed the door on Jake was John leaning close against him, draping his arms around Dirk’s neck. Dirk paused looking at John before shaking his head.

“C’mon, let’s get your dopey ass to bed.”

“Nooo, I gotta do something first. Dirk, my ear hurts!.” He said tugging at it.

“Then stop touching it, dunkass. What do you gotta do?”

“I gotta kiss you.” Dirk looked at John in a way such that it gave him a double chin.

“Um… No.”

“Yes Dirk I gotta. It’s psychological. I couldn’t kiss Lawrah, but I can kiss you I think. Cause I trust you.” Dirk squinted at John behind his shades.

“Whoa… Whose Lawrah?”

“My… The girl I was dating.”

“Whoa, you were dating a girl and you didn’t tell me.” John put his fingers against Dirk’s lips, smearing them shut.

“Shush!” He hissed. “I was dating her, but then I didn’t want to anymore, and she got mad and threw a drink in my face cause I couldn’t kiss her! So we broke up today.”

“Oh, I’m sorry man.” John shook his head.

“Nooo, I broke up with her cause I can’t kiss her, so I wanted to kiss you just so I can know if I’m gay or if I just wanna fuck my mom.”

“Jane?”

“NOOOO! My metaphorical mom, like a Freudian mom.”

“Okay, that makes sense, and completely clarifies everything.” Dirk said sarcastically. “Okay, first of all I’m not gonna kiss you.” John whined out a complaint as Dirk continued. “Look, you said you trust me right? Well if I were to kiss you while you were this drunk then I would be betraying that trust John. Do you understand that?”

“But… Its okay. I trust you.”

“I know dude.” Dirk let out a sigh. “Look, how about, if you still want to kiss me in the morning, then I’ll kiss you. Okay?” John perked up and nodded his head so hard his glasses went crooked.

“Okay, I’ll kiss you tomorrow.” John slurred snuggling into him. “Buuuut… Maybe I can have a little, small, baby kiss right now? Just a small little one? This big?” He held his fingers up but they were touching. Dirk rolled his eyes and laid a small peck to John’s temple. John let out a happy whine before letting himself relax. “I can’t wait to kiss you tomorrow.” He managed to mumble out before slipping into a sleep.

Dirk sat there petting John’s hair, hearing him snore ever so slightly. He couldn’t help the tightness in his chest. This was just what he needed.

…

To call it a hangover would be too light a term for whatever John was experiencing. This shit hurt. He cracked his eyes open just a tad and couldn’t, it was too damn bright. John groaned pulling the blankets over his head, what even happened last night.

“Hey handsome. Is someone a little hung over?” He heard Dirk’s voice from under the covers. He let out a tired groan. Dirk chuckled before moving over to the bed. John could feel the mattress depress under his weight. Dirk tried to tug the sheets down, but John gripped them tight.

“Nooo.” He whined but Dirk wasn’t having it.

“C’mon, dude. You need something to eat and drink or else that wine headache won’t go away.” John gave up letting the blankets be pulled down, but he kept his eyes shut tight.  

“I don’t wanna eat.”

“Okay, how about a drink chock full of electrolytes?” John let out another guttural noise.

“Fine.” He could hear Dirk chuckle as he placed a plate on his bedside table. It smelt good, but John didn’t have any appetite.

“Did you have fun last night?”

“I don’t even know what happened.” John managed to pull himself up just barely before slumping into Dirk’s side.

“Well, from what drunk John told me, you broke up with you girlfriend and got a drink thrown in your face and started dipping into troll sauce.” John pinched the bridge of his nose, that explains why he felt so sticky. Oh lord, Lawrah, he really screwed the pooch on that one.

“God, I forgot about Lawrah… She really wasn’t happy about that.” He replayed the look of rage in her eyes.

“I’d imagine… I know you’re still hungover but, is that why you were acting so weird with me before? Cause you started dating someone?”

“Mmm… Kinda. I was gonna tell you if she became my girlfriend… But she didn’t… ‘m sorry.” Dirk played with John’s hair lightly, holding up a bottle of Gatorade for John to take. Which he did, guzzling down the drink greedily.

“You don’t have to be sorry, I get it.” There was another beat of silence before Dirk spoke up again. “You… You don’t remember anything you said or did last night?” John squinted at him.

“Uh… I remember getting drunk… And Mallek was there too… then… I … I dunno. Why? Did I do something weird?” Dirk was half tempted to tell John about what he had said, but he thought better.

“I mean, you did take off your clothes and started dancing to the Numa Numa song but… Other than that, no not at all. BTW, you have an impressive dong.” John coughed out a laugh.

“Shut up, no I didn’t.” Dirk gave him a silent look which made John sober up. “Please tell me I didn’t actually do any of those things… Dirk, say sike.” Dirk burst into a fit of quiet giggles, which John responded by punching him in the side out of retaliation. “You’re so mean!”

“I’m sorry bro. I just couldn’t resist.” Dirk said picking fluff out John’s hair. “If it makes you feel better you didn’t vomit even once.” John let out another unhappy groan. He rested his head on Dirk’s side but had to shift himself to get comfortable.

“God, why does my ear hurt?” He moved to touch it, but Dirk smacked his hand away.”

“Maybe cause your dopey ass kept touching it. Remind me to grab my antiseptic spray too.”

“What? Why?”

“Dude, your ear is pierced.” John’s eyes shot open. “You have a goddamn sleeper in your ear.” He had a piecing in his ear, his right ear.

 “I fucking hate Mallek.” John gulped more of the Gatorade before throwing the bottle. “I’m gonna beat him up.”

“Okay dude. I’ll let you beat him up this one time. Now get some rest.” Dirk paused, his hand in John’s hair. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah… Who needs a girlfriend when I have you.” John mumbled. Dirk’s heart throbbed, but he pushed those feelings deep down.

He was glad John didn’t remember what he had said last night. Things between them were going so well, the last thing he needed was to get _feelings_ involved. It was better this way, for the both of them. But a small part of him kind of wanted to kiss John. Instead he settled with laying a lingering kiss to his temple. The action caught John off guard, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. He looked up at Dirk, who gave him a small smile. John smiled back and rested himself against Dirk.

This was fine.

They were fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on Dragon Ball Z: Some more self reflection, and Halloween mentions

**Author's Note:**

> I know this chapter is everywhere, but I promise it'll get more organised eventually.


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